New Song: "Me and You"

D

DARKSHINE

New member
Hey all!

It's only what I got up to tonight... (its nearly 3am, so buggered) so it's not finished... but its enough to get some feedback on. I just want to know if its sounding alright... I still don't like my voice, but I believe it sounds a lot better than in the last song I recorded (that was in a key that wasn't comfortable for me) ...

So yeah.
Probably the most poppy song I've made, but hopefully it doesn't come across too much as pop.

www.soundclick.com/danielcartisano

"Me and You"

you say, you say, we are moving further apart, away from your heart.
every time I wake up, wake up, I'm feeling like a tragic story, emotions blowing every spark

everything you tell me, already I know
just having trouble forking out the feelings I owe
all I ever want to do
is pick up all the pieces that you leave behind
that join together, forming a picture
of me and you
its all I ever knew

one day, one day, I'll take you to a place that I call home
so you can see how broken, broken, my life has become with all these thoughts making me feel numb

everything you tell me, already I know
just having trouble forking out the feelings I owe
all I ever want to do
is pick up all the pieces that you leave behind
that join together, forming a picture
of me and you
its all I ever knew

(more lyrics, but I haven't finished recording yet)


Let me know what you guys think, and if I'm on the right track!
Thanks!!
Daniel
 
Some quick comments:

You mentioned that the song was "most poppy song" you've made. As I listened I could easily hear it being performed by one of those harmony 'boy bands'. I don't know whether you like that thought or not.

Structurally the song was okay. Lyrically I would have like to have heard something more unusual. The idea was fine, but the lyrics sounded too ordinary for me, and I'm sure you have the ability to come up with words and phrases that are more unusual. I like 'forking out feelings', which shows a nice dash of originality. There needs to be more of this, and a bit less of "we are moving apart", which is very common.

The guitar was played and recorded well, but I would like to hear more dynamic movement throughout the song. You did this really well on Blue Winter, but it's not quite as evident here, and the result is that I found my attention beginning to wander after a while.

Your voice is okay, but it could be better. It seems you are going for that breathy sensitive but intense feeling, which is an okay thing to do, but it's not quite working as well as it should be. Nevertheless, I agree with you in that it sounds better than on Blue Winter.

It is probably worth your while to experiment with a few different vocal styles. You've got this one. Try singing it in a variety of different ways. You may stumble across a delivery that sounds better than others.

One advantage you have is that you are young enough to change and adapt. Grizzled old has-beens like me are beyond repair. So I'm looking forward to further improvements from you.
 
gecko zzed said:
Some quick comments:

You mentioned that the song was "most poppy song" you've made. As I listened I could easily hear it being performed by one of those harmony 'boy bands'. I don't know whether you like that thought or not.

Structurally the song was okay. Lyrically I would have like to have heard something more unusual. The idea was fine, but the lyrics sounded too ordinary for me, and I'm sure you have the ability to come up with words and phrases that are more unusual. I like 'forking out feelings', which shows a nice dash of originality. There needs to be more of this, and a bit less of "we are moving apart", which is very common.

The guitar was played and recorded well, but I would like to hear more dynamic movement throughout the song. You did this really well on Blue Winter, but it's not quite as evident here, and the result is that I found my attention beginning to wander after a while.

Your voice is okay, but it could be better. It seems you are going for that breathy sensitive but intense feeling, which is an okay thing to do, but it's not quite working as well as it should be. Nevertheless, I agree with you in that it sounds better than on Blue Winter.

It is probably worth your while to experiment with a few different vocal styles. You've got this one. Try singing it in a variety of different ways. You may stumble across a delivery that sounds better than others.

One advantage you have is that you are young enough to change and adapt. Grizzled old has-beens like me are beyond repair. So I'm looking forward to further improvements from you.
Click to expand...

Eh, fuck.. boy band? god dammit. Is this because of the harmonies or what?? and in no way was i going for that sound, i hate it.

hmmm
lyrically this song is straight forward really, and I wanted it like that. These lyrics were written in around 20 minutes, and it was something that was affecting me at that instance, and those were the words that came out... So I figured I'd be more in touch with the song if it were my pure words that were spilled on that night...

Dynamic movement with the guitar was my intention. This guitar work was basically a "see how it goes" track ...

As for my vocals... I wasn't all that happy with it, but I wasn't sure. This was more of my natural vocal style coming out, more towards how I usually sing, and have always sung. For different styles, well, what else could I try??

If your wondering, I'm going for a style similar to these artists...

www.myspace.com/joshuaradin
www.myspace.com/williamfitzsimmons

more the top guy.
by saying that, I don't mean I'm trying to go for that exact sound, just that type of music, that indie/acoustic/folk sound with my own unique touch to it...

thanks for the comments again,
you always have great feedback.
:)
 
Hey Dark, whenever you ask for opinions you've got to expect good & bad, objective & subjective. There is no right or wrong way in music so finish the song as you intended for it to sound rather than attempt to morph into someone/something you're not. As for the criticism; again there is no right or wrong way so all of the objective comments are valid and should be taken under advisement. There are alot of talented, seasoned folks here which is I why I believe you asked them to critique your work. Personally I think you did a nice job both in the composition and the performance. The harmonies sound good to my ears as does your voice. (Phil Collins is one that comes to mind that hates the sound of their voice so you're in good company). Please post the finished product.
 
Lambo said:
Hey Dark, whenever you ask for opinions you've got to expect good & bad, objective & subjective. There is no right or wrong way in music so finish the song as you intended for it to sound rather than attempt to morph into someone/something you're not. As for the criticism; again there is no right or wrong way so all of the objective comments are valid and should be taken under advisement. There are alot of talented, seasoned folks here which is I why I believe you asked them to critique your work. Personally I think you did a nice job both in the composition and the performance. The harmonies sound good to my ears as does your voice. (Phil Collins is one that comes to mind that hates the sound of their voice so you're in good company). Please post the finished product.
Click to expand...

You know what.
Big thank you to you.
I think this is the right thing to do, and it makes sense what your saying.
Seriously, thank you.
I'll let you know when I finish the song!

Cheers!
 
DARKSHINE said:
Eh, fuck.. boy band? god dammit. Is this because of the harmonies or what?? and in no way was i going for that sound, i hate it.
Click to expand...

It's not because of the harmonies, and nor necessarily the sound. It's because of the lyrics and the general feel of the sound. I said that I could 'easily hear it' being played by a boy band. It doesn't have to be that way.

DARKSHINE said:
lyrically this song is straight forward really, and I wanted it like that. These lyrics were written in around 20 minutes, and it was something that was affecting me at that instance, and those were the words that came out... So I figured I'd be more in touch with the song if it were my pure words that were spilled on that night...
Click to expand...

Yes. That is a really good way of trapping an idea and a feeling before it fades . . . you seize the opportunity and make the most of it that you can at the time. After all, Leiber and Stoller wrote 'Hound Dog' in less than fifteen minutes! But it doesn't always work, and I have to say that the lyrics read as if they were written in 20 minutes. Now, I do the same thing myself. I write stuff down . . . anything . . . when it hits, because I don't want to lose the germ of the idea. But I'm neither Leiber nor Stoller . . . so I find I have to go back over the lyrics, and work carefully to put my words in, rather than repeat what someone else has said before. That means examining each line and figuring out what my thought was, then trying out many combinations of words to make it as original as I can.

The danger, of course, is that you might lose touch with that initial feeling that triggered the song in the first place . . . there is a danger of refining your idea out of existence. But . . . if you understand what it is you were trying to say, and you've put your own words in, that provides a more effective anchor for your feelings than a set of quickly strung-together generic words.

DARKSHINE said:
Dynamic movement with the guitar was my intention. This guitar work was basically a "see how it goes" track ...
Click to expand...

Again yes. The guitar is a highly versatile instrument, and you can create lots of dynamic interest with just the one instrument. My overall impression, though (and maybe mistakenly) was that I thought there could be more movement (however, I nearly always say that).

DARKSHINE said:
As for my vocals... I wasn't all that happy with it, but I wasn't sure. This was more of my natural vocal style coming out, more towards how I usually sing, and have always sung. For different styles, well, what else could I try??
Click to expand...

Your voice, like the guitar, is a very versatile instrument, and you can do lots of things with it. I'm interested in hearing what you can do to make the most of the very fine character that it has, and to get greater control of it.
 
hmmm...

I listened to this. I liked it. Even though the style isnt my first listening choice, I still enjoyed it... which means that its good. (Hey, I like to post classical things I make on a primarily hip hop site, LMAO... that way, if anyone likes it, I figure I did something, lol)

The recording and mixing are good. I dont hear a lot of noise, nor a lot of over-use of effects. I'm no expert on the subject, but the mixing doesn't have any major issues that jump out at me. So, good recording and fairly solid mixing. You have the necessary technical skills to make a good demo song happen.

someone up there said "whiny". That wouldnt have been my first choice of words, but I think they meant (perhaps) the use of the higher pitched vocal, not necessarily the emotional "whiny" use of the word. Thats a taste issue. One guy says the soup is too bland, another says it has too much pepper, but its the same soup. *shrugs*

Geck said he wanted more "dynamic" movement in the guitar. Said his impression was "boy band-ish". YOU said you were going more for the intimate, close up, sound. I had two "impressions". ONE part of me says "slight emo influence", mor than likely coming from the prominent, slightly higher pitched, crisp vocals. A change in mic, a slight mix change on the vocals might take out that "touch of emo" I detect in the vocal delivery.

More than "slight emo", I hear a touch of "name" in this... which is that close, intimate acoustic sound you said you wanted. (I hear it in the guitar line,and in the feel (not the sound) of the vocals)

with the slightly higher pitched crisp vocals mix, and the constant range of the guitar line... I find myself wanting to hear a bass line come in, after the song gets underway. Maybe in the middle or just before. A tasteful acoustic bass, or even a plucked or bowed "orch bass".

it would offset the vocals, and maybe provide the "dynamics" that geck is asking for.

if youre shooting for that close intimate acoustic style... I think a lower pitched vocal line (an octave lower?) wluld NAIL that "name" sound...


But... this is all "impressions" and "opinions". You have vocal ability, and you have the technical skills to record, play, sing, and mix. You have all the ingredients on the table to make the type of hit song you want... just play around with the recipe of what you already have on the table... its in there, and you have all the necessary technical skills that are so hard to get.

Am I jealous?... Yah, I'm green with envy.

PS - a tasteful orch bass line coming in to give the song something new after its already going, as a surprise, would be fairly easy to do in todays computer world. I cant decide if it shoiuld be bows or plucks... I'd try slow, low bow notes first...
 
You've really nothing to worry about.

Nothing wrong with boy bands btw. They often are talented.
 
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I really enjoy your material and your voice. I'm not getting the boy band thing - actually at the start it reminded me of 'Mad World' the Gary Jules version.

I think any genre issues you have can be easily iron out with the arrangement and the mix. For me your voice is a little up front, the guitar a little boxy and the synth line too far back - but as it was 3 am and a rough it sounds great.

The trick with your voice is to stop judging it and get on with the business of writing good music that suits your voice, which I think the last 2 songs show you can do. The breathiness that some listeners dislike could be about the EQing on your vocals - there are some frequencies around the 'brethiness' levels that just irritate some listeners more than others - it biological not taste.

As your mixing skills develop and you play around with EQing more to make your mixes settle you will finds some vocal processing settings better then others. But that is production, you want to get on with writing.

I like the lyrics and the fact that they are more 'commercial' or obvious as Gecko thinks for me is not a problem - it demonstrates your developing craft as a writer. I look forward to hearing a full version and a stronger mix.

If you want to email sound files to me I would be happy to produce a mix for you? Not that I am claiming superiority, just offering soem collaboration and another perspective on your work.
 
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