new song, do you think these lyrics are too bland?

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a27thletter

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verse: i close the window that leads inside,
you'll still find a way through,
you burned your halo just in time,
to turn to a ghost in my mind,

verse: i close my ears and hide my eyes,
until it all feels the same,
i'll trade my life for a dream tonight,
to fall in love with the rain,

bridge: i hold myself up to the light, sometimes i wish i was the light,

chorus: i'm invisible, invisible, invisible to you,
i'm invisible, invisible , invisible to me,

verse: i take a different road to sadness tonight,
i almost miss missing myself,
we should all be free tonight,
from all the rules we give ourselves,

------barry turner, 11/2004
 
I like the verses, the chorus I am not sure about but with music it might be fine if you understand what I am saying.
 
I like the chorus - I can feel it more, it seems direct. The verses seem less real.
 
thanks for the comments, i'm putting the finishing touches on some music for it, and i'll post it up on acid planet if anyones interested in hearing it. my acid planet user name is barry turner, just check it later. should be finished around afternoon tomorrow.
 
First verse is very interesting, great promise. You got lazy after that, you blew it.

"I close the window that leads inside
You'll still find a way through"

is brilliant, really good.

"i'll trade my life for a dream tonight,
to fall in love with the rain"

is lazy crap. Just work harder, do it properly, you could write a good song.

Only IMHO of course :)
 
it all sounds a bit impersonal...why do you want to fall in love with the rain? Im not having a go at you, but its like something i would have written when i was 14, but then the words dont matter as much if you've got a good melody so all the best.
 
i agree with Gary, i was totally sold by the first part of the first verse

verse: i close the window that leads inside,
you'll still find a way through,

here again
verse: i'll trade my life for a dream tonight,
to fall in love with the rain,

i really liked the i'll trade my life part then i get lost again.
i would suggest redoing the 3rd verse because it seems to take a different direction than where the song appears to be going.... i cann't really judge the chorus until hear how it sounds same with the bridge. keep working on it i think it can turn out really good.
 
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