new lyrics; whaddaya think

LI_Slim

LI_Slim

voice in the wilderness
THE TOP PERCENT by Larry Kolker © 2007

It’s plain to see that you don’t love me
Those shining eyes just look away
And you are never thinking of me
No matter what I say

You say you’re looking for your soul mate
Or maybe just a different type
But it is clear that I just don’t rate
Very very high

A face like in a magazine
Abs made of cement
You want someone squarely
In the top percent, babe

You say you need a million dollars
Or else you’ll be so damn deprived
And you will need a bit more next year
Just to stay alive

And if the Joneses still have more so
You’ll have to lie and cheat and steal
But that’s okay ‘cause you’re entitled
That’s just how you feel

Everyone is slavin’ just to pay the rent
But you are still a failure
Unless you’re in the top percent, babe

You know we have a lovely nation
Technology and leisure time
And all the plays and parks and hedge funds
Cows and corn and wine

You know we have the strongest army
And brilliant scientific minds
And we don’t hesitate to use them
Every single time

Leaders of all nations, know you must consent
Or we’ll just beat you down
To keep us in the top percent, babe
 
How do you get one of those CopyRight Symbols out of one of these keyboards.
The C with the circle around it.
 
The story rings true in so many cases - all those girls who never gave me the time of day. I hope they are happy with their drunken loser ex-football playing car salesmen.....Oh your lyrics???? Sorry I got carried away for a moment grrrrrr......:mad:

The story seems to go off on two tangents - one romantic and one political.... Is it because women and politics are the same in this regard - both want to be on top of the heap? Clawing/Scheming/Murdering their way there?

:):D:)
 
69 SG said:
How do you get one of those CopyRight Symbols out of one of these keyboards.
The C with the circle around it.
Click to expand...

you have to compose it in a program that has html format; paren, c, end-paren.

Now go write a song.
 
I really liked many of the lines and The Top Percent is both a great title and a good hook.

I kinda got lost on the direction of the song (or perhaps the motivation of the writer). It starts out as what I thought was a very good comcept - a gold digging woman who wants more than her man can offer. But halfway through it seems to give up on that story line and takes off as some type of policital commentary.

In my humble opinion, if the story stayed with the guy/girl thing and reached some conclusion that even if she gets in the top percent of material things she may lose the guy (who is perhaps 100% a one woman man) - this could be a better, more focused song.

That being siad, I do think there are a lot of good lines.
 
LI_Slim said:
THE TOP PERCENT by Larry Kolker © 2007

You know we have a lovely nation
Technology and leisure time
And all the plays and parks and hedge funds
Cows and corn and wine

You know we have the strongest army
And brilliant scientific minds
And we don’t hesitate to use them
Every single time

Leaders of all nations, know you must consent
Or we’ll just beat you down
To keep us in the top percent, babe
Click to expand...

I like the contrast and the transition from the personal to the political. If I were to keep the song I would consider adding a bridge to make the transition a bit cleaner.

That being said, if it were me I would throw away the first 2/3 and start with this. It is both powerful and well written. It's not often we actually say something in music. I think this has genuine possibilities to do just that.

Nice stuff. ;)
 
Thanks Fiddler, Mike and Ido for your insightful comments.


It was indeed my intention to say, among other things, that in this case the personal and the political come from the same egocentric place. Or, to put it more snappily, the political is the personal. Especially when it comes to the current political leadership of the United States.

The first two reactions showed me that the transition from the first verse (and chorus) to the second is problematic. In the first verse the singer is talking to a woman, and in the second, to a friend or acquaintance (probably male); but the reader (or listener) has no way of knowing this. The third verse is not in the second person so the transition is clearer, but appears to be too abrupt. I conceived this as sort of a series of vignettes showing this human tendency in three different contexts. Perhaps a bridge could work to explain this.

I really don't want to make the song just a "you stupid bitch" song, although I suppose that would have appeal (not to women though). Fiddler's suggestion is obviously a good one, especially since if I do a good job recording it, it would have the potential to be really heard as a political song. (I seem to have the instinct to avoid anything remotely marketable. :rolleyes:)

Anyway, thanks again. I will get back when I decide what to do with it.
 
I'll take a stab. Couple of thing to keep in mind--First, it's YOUR song. If I make any suggestions, constructive criticism, whatever, you're free to tell me I'm full of shit and I won't mind a bit. :cool:
Second, without hearing the accompanying melody, I may not "hear it" as you intend.

LI_Slim said:
THE TOP PERCENT by Larry Kolker © 2007

It’s plain to see that you don’t love me
Those shining eyes just look away
And you are never thinking of me
No matter what I say

Lines 1, 2 & 4 are great--line 3 is a little weak. Something like "You are never listening to me" would go along better with line 4, IMHO.

You say you’re looking for your soul mate
Or maybe just a different type
But it is clear that I just don’t rate
Very very high

Line 1--a bit cliched. It makes line three seem to stretch too far for a rhyme.
Line 4 is weak, although that may not hurt the song, and you're stretching for rhythm/meter as well (hence the two "very"s.) "In your eyes very high"? Goes with the "looking for" in line 1.


A face like in a magazine
Abs made of cement
You want someone squarely
In the top percent, babe

Lines 1, 3, & 4-I love 'em!
Line 2 is...strange. But it rhymes!:)

You say you need a million dollars
Or else you’ll be so damn deprived
And you will need a bit more next year
Just to stay alive

This part doesn't follow from the first two verses. Your previous post says you wanted 3 vignettes, but you don't make that evident in the lyric. Perhaps a simple change from "You" to "She" or "He" (I get a definite Paris Hilton vibe in this section.)

And if the Joneses still have more so
You’ll have to lie and cheat and steal
But that’s okay ‘cause you’re entitled
That’s just how you feel

Everyone is slavin’ just to pay the rent
But you are still a failure
Unless you’re in the top percent, babe

This whole section, as its own entity, is really very good. Assuming you're trying for that Paris Hilton description, of course.

You know we have a lovely nation
Technology and leisure time
And all the plays and parks and hedge funds
Cows and corn and wine

I'd never have matched "lovely" with the items in line 4. Specifically, Cows and corn--certainly a part of the country, but rather low brow, not the high class, "top percent" concepts like, for example "Fast cars, art and wine."


You know we have the strongest army
And brilliant scientific minds
And we don’t hesitate to use them
Every single time

Leaders of all nations, know you must consent
Or we’ll just beat you down
To keep us in the top percent, babe
Click to expand...

You mentioned the possibility of a bridge to tie the three vignettes together. Gotta agree there. They just don't hang together as is. If you can figure a way to connect them, it could be fairly powerful.

The idea of mixing "You stupid bitch" emotions with politics has been done with success (American Woman by the Guess Who comes to mind immediately), but not that often. So while the concept isn't breaking new ground, it isn't stale and formulaic.

In my opinion it has potential, but still needs a little work. The political opinion it expresses won't attract the Ted Nugent fans, but I can see Springsteen singing it with a driving rock tune behind it.

Disclaimer repeated: It's your song, my friend. The advice above is free for your use, but then, you get what you pay for. :D

Good luck with it. I hope to hear it on the radio some day.
 
Next time try writing one in the same week.
Preferably in the same DAY.
Get it done before the Pot wears off and the Drinking starts.
Or what ever your doing.
The best time is write after you wake up,
while you are on a natural and your brain has been rested and Oxegenated.
 
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And It's one, Two,Three, Four
What are we fighting for
Don't ask me I don't give a Damn
The next stop is Viet Nam

This one was fun, most of them suck.

*********************
When Musicians and Actors get Political
It makes me want to Puke
I love it when they get political and ruin their hard earned Career.
Here's your sign
 
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