Never Felt So...

[sstone]

Hey everybody. Here's some lyrics to a song I'm working on, very tentatively titled "Never Felt So...". I'm interested to see what your thoughts, comments and suggestions will be. They read pretty emo but don't sound like it in the song due to its fairly heavy indie/punk feel. Cheers!



You were an aching heart
I was a brand new start
But when you were finished with me I was old as could be, you could hardly be excused
After I let you win
You tried to sneak back in
but I’ve learned long ago to sense your approach by the scent of your perfume

I’ve seen you turn and stare
I’ve seen your chopped down hair
I’ve seen the look on your face when you feel out of place but you don’t want to let it show
I’ve seen your longing look
I’ve seen you write the book
Everyday, Everyday, everyday of the week I feel weak, I feel tired, I feel ready to go

(Chorus)
And there’s no point in staying cause I’ve never felt so...
But there’s no use in leaving cause where are we supposed to go

I miss your goodbye song
I miss “you’re right, I’m wrong”
I miss that time when I needed some help, you told me to do it myself
I miss your waiting arms
I miss your third time charm
I miss the way that you could make me wish I could wish for something else

 

[sharonclowe]

It's difficult for me to have an opinion without hearing the words set to music. (I'm sure I'm not the first to say that...so I apologize if I'm bringing up a subject that's been rehashed a million times on this board ) but anyway...here are my thoughts on just the words:

You were an aching heart
I was a brand new start (I liked these two lines)
But when you were finished with me I was old as could be (this rhyme me/be sounds trite...maybe some similar such as "when you were finished with me I was old, I was down on my knees"), you could hardly be excused

After I let you win
You tried to sneak back in (again the rhyme is annoying/trite...particularly b/c it doesn't really make sense. If you want to stick with the "let you win" idea...what about something like "you know I let you win...don't change the rules again"....or conversely if you prefer the "sneak back in" idea..."had you locked out and then...you tried to sneak back in"....I tried to keep the syllable count the same as you had)
but I’ve learned long ago to sense your approach by the scent of your perfume (not sure if I'm crazy about the use of sense and scent in the same line...again would need to hear it set to music....I like the sounds of "ago" and "approach". Are the words "excused" and "perfume" supposed to be utilizing the long "u" sound or was that just a coincidence?)

I’ve seen you turn and stare
I’ve seen your chopped down hair (interesting way to say that, rather that the expected "chopped off" hair...not lovin' the stare/hair rhyme though)
I’ve seen the look on your face when you feel out of place but you don’t want to let it show
I’ve seen your longing look
I’ve seen you write the book (look/book rhyme feels very forced and trite...hate it, hate it, hate it...write what book? this is a stupid line...sorry )
Everyday, Everyday, everyday of the week I feel weak, I feel tired, I feel ready to go

(Chorus)
And there’s no point in staying cause I’ve never felt so...(felt so "what"?...I imagine you intentionally want this line to hang out there like this....but will there be some sort of sound, like an "ahhhh" or a guitar riff?)
But there’s no use in leaving cause where are we supposed to go (where are "we" supposed to go? or where am "I" supposed to go? The majority of the song seems to be from an individual focus, so using "we" seems odd)

I miss your goodbye song
I miss “you’re right, I’m wrong”
I miss that time when I needed some help, you told me to do it myself (what an asshole....why would anyone miss that?! maybe you are being sarcastic?)
I miss your waiting arms
I miss your third time charm (that's kind of a cute line there!...and hooray, a rhyme that didn't make me cringe! )
I miss the way that you could make me wish I could wish for something else (huh?...I'm confused)


I'm not sure if you were trying to convey a sense of overall ambivalence (especially considering the title of the song is so vague!)? I think it's difficult, but certainly not impossible, to make ambivalence have impact. You just have to choose your words thoughtfully, not just rhyme for the heck of it. I think I saw someone's else post on here that had some very sound advice....to make the rhyme fit your idea, instead of letting the rhyme itself dictate the message. So anyway, don't know if this is helpful or not...just some of my random thoughts!

 

[sstone]

wow sharon, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond so thoroughly!

here's a demo I made of this song
http://soundcloud.com/stonejacobs/goodbye-song-2/s-KN6U5
it's a terrible recording that I just threw together as a demo for bandmates, so please don't judge the recording quality which I know is lacking

I changed up a few lines, "turn and stare" is now "start to care", "you could hardly be excused" is now "you were done, I was used"

the line about the book...I'm bummed you hate it so much, but I really can't delete it It's a tribute to the Elvis Costello song Everyday I Write the Book, the chorus of which goes "I'm giving you a longing look and everyday I write the book". The girl I wrote this song about used to sing that song to me. I really love having it in there.

about the last line...I don't even know man. I guess it's about regretting not feeling like I could do better. I like the way the words flow.

this is still a very very early version, I wrote it less than 24 hours ago

does anyone have any comments on the music part of it?

thanks again for the comments sharon!

 

[sharonclowe]

OK....I'll retract my comment about hating the longing look/writing book line! I liked the change in the line about "you were done, I was used" (make sure to enunciate the word "used" though b/c it sounds like you're saying "you were done, I was YOU". I liked the demo (even with the epileptic sounding piano parts )...it has a very authentic sincerity to it. The distortion (??) on the vocals works well too, in my opinion. The tempo changes are fun too. It will be really cool to follow this one as you get it perfected. I hope your band mates like it too.

 

[n3wt]

I dig this.

Just reading the lyrics I thought some of it might be a little awkward/weak, but the way the vocals just run over the lyrics really blurs it all together and it sounds more like a stream of consciousness, which is cool.

I'm going to disagree with the previous reply in that I really like the line "I miss the way that you could make me wish I could wish for something else." I almost wish it hung in the air more at the end of the song. Maybe as an a capella.

 

[Armistice]

Hi...

If I were you I wouldn't be worried about how your lyrics read....

Seriously, just reading them without listening to the music, I'd say they were fairly amateurish, but when you listen to the song you're not really analysing the lyrics, because it's not that sort of song...

With me? Tinker with them a bit if you like, I don't think it will matter that much as you're not writing "Hurricane" or attempting to, you're writing really good stompy new-wavish punky pop music...

So, to summarise... I don't think the lyrics are that good, but I love the song, and in that context, I don't think the lyrics matter.

Keep it up!

 

[up-fiddler]

I actually like the way this reads....

....and, to me, without good lyrics you don't have a song. They need to either be meaningful or catchy/hooky but they should walk hand in hand with the instrumental part of the song.

I enjoyed your inline rhymes scent/sense, weak/weak, and could wish/could wish but I was put off by the second verse. Weak and week seem to slap me in the face by their proximity. If it were mine I might try:
Everyday,everyday I feel weak. Everyday of the week I feel tired, I feel ready to go.

Of course, that's just me and the song is yours. All in all it is a nice effort but I would continue to tweak it. A few words can radically change how the listener reacts or responds to the music. Good luck, Dave.
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