My song: Untitled

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Greykitkat36

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This song I wrote. Im only a teen so it may not be the best, but comments would be very much appreciated. Its right now untitled.


Friday Night,
Nowhere to go
Everyone's out
Your hanging at home


So you pass out your door
Looking for some fun
You state its too late
But the night's just begun


Chorus
Wanna get by, Wanna fly
I'd like to live before I die
Wanna run, wanna hide
I'd like to live before I die

Everyday's the same
Nothing to do
So you wait at home
Living your life askew

You joke at all the people
But your just the same
Nothing to live for
And everyone else to blame


You've troubles to be dealt
You keep them astray
You let them hang on yourself
You'll throw your life away

Chorus

You figured out
Your gonna be alright
You know without a doubt
Your life's a nonstop flight

You've finally done
Something with your life
Oh, and in the long run
Oh, you wont wanna run

Chorus
 
It sounds pretty good.

I think it would help if you made each line a little longer, as it seems a bit choppy right now.
 
You joke at all the people
But your just the same
Nothing to live for
And everyone else to blame

Thats like the best line in the whole song. I agree with the music. Sentences could be a little longer. But you definitely have an uncanny ability to write catchy lyics. Your songs just need a little more substance.
 
OK, I'll bite.

"You joke at all the people
But your just the same
Nothing to live for
And everyone else to blame"

Those lines are excellent - really like those. That's a whole song in there. So you have some talent but I'm going to give you a little bit of a hard time on some of the other lines (but you can always ignore me)

"Wanna get by, Wanna fly
I'd like to live before I die
Wanna run, wanna hide
I'd like to live before I die"

You either wanto to fly or you just want to get by. Which is it? Makes no sense, just lazy. And the second line - come on, do you want to live in clicheville?

"You state its too late" - you wouldn't use that in conversation so don't use it in a song.

Finally, how come everything's miraculously alright in the last verse? You went from A to Z and missed out all the letters in between. What happened to get us there?

Anyway, there's some things to think about if you like. Don't want to sound harsh; I think you have talent but are a little lazy. This stuff is not as easy as the pro's make it seem. Keep going and good luck.

Garry
 
thanks for the comments. I reworked it a little, made some of the lines longer, took out the old chorus and made a new one .
 
Here it is. Comments are greatly appreciated.


Friday Night, and your down
Nowhere to go, noone's around
Everyone's out
Your hanging at home

So you pass out your door
Looking for some fun
You say its too late
But the night's just begun

Chorus:
Take your thoughts out the door
We dont want them hear no more
Take your thoughts out the door
We can't take them anymore



Everyday's the same
Nothing to do
So you wait at home
Living your life askew

You joke at all the people
But your just the same
Nothing to live for
And everyone else to blame

Chorus

You've troubles to be dealt
You keep them astray
Let them hang on yourself
You'll throw your life away

You think what you'll do
Havent a clue
Perhaps for life a different view

Chorus
 
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