My First Lyric Attempt (please no foul language)

nickd123

nickd123

New member
:) Hi guys, here is my first attempt at a lyric. Please don't expect anything great! ;)



Our love is now, a pebble too far thrown
Relationship, like a sandy beach windblown
We’re hanging on, but we are slipping, already torn but still are ripping
I’ll wait until the dawn, but something tells me you’re already gone

(Chorus)

We’re living in a dream on the edge of collapsing
A dream that’s on the edge of a permanent lapsing
We need to turn around to a new understanding
Were loving in a dream on the edge

Our love is now, a fading dusky land
Uncertain lust, only written in the sand
I thought for sure our love was certain, forever sealed, an open curtain
I’ll wait until the dawn, but something tells me you’re already gone

(Bridge)

I can’t let go and fall off this edge that we’re holding
I can’t turn around to a love that’s not there
I cannot wake up from a dream that’s unfolding
I can’t be left clasping the cold empty air



Any input appreciated!
:D
 
nickd123 said:
:) Hi guys, here is my first attempt at a lyric. Please don't expect anything great! ;)



Our love is now, a pebble too far thrown
Relationship, like a sandy beach windblown
We’re hanging on, but we are slipping, already torn but still are ripping
I’ll wait until the dawn, but something tells me you’re already gone

(Chorus)

We’re living in a dream on the edge of collapsing
A dream that’s on the edge of a permanent lapsing
We need to turn around to a new understanding
Were loving in a dream on the edge

Our love is now, a fading dusky land
Uncertain lust, only written in the sand
I thought for sure our love was certain, forever sealed, an open curtain
I’ll wait until the dawn, but something tells me you’re already gone

(Bridge)

I can’t let go and fall off this edge that we’re holding
I can’t turn around to a love that’s not there
I cannot wake up from a dream that’s unfolding
I can’t be left clasping the cold empty air



Any input appreciated!
:D
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Nick, I saw your other post in the recording forum. Are you sure you're only 12? The lyrics are pretty mature, and not a bad job at all for your first attempt. I'd be interested to see what you come up with for music.
 
Definitely not bad. If you are writing this at 12... especially a first attempt...

I would only say that this may beneift from less repetition of the word "love".

Good job.
 
Nick, if you are only 12, you did an excellent job. I'm not crazy about the "a fading dusky land" line. It sounds a little forced. Great first attempt!
 
Very good work for 12 years old!Stylisticly its "poetic"...Just some ideas.
Try editing it ..Do you need the words ..LIKE,You might not need to state its a metophore..possilby BUT,A ..Economy,sometimes says more...Good luck nice job :)
 
Chrisjob said:
Is it good if he's not 12?
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Actually, yes. If you can write like this (as a first draft), it's a good thing. I personally struggle with lyrics, so when anyone 8 to 80 writes lyrics like this, I'm impressed.

And if you mean he himself is not 12, and just pulling my leg.... :mad:


THAT is another matter.......
 
No sir, I did not. I believe he wanted help on his song, not his song in consideration of his age.


But I too would like to know if you're only 12. Cause I sure hope no one knows heartache like that before he's a teenager.
 
Chrisjob said:
No sir, I did not. I believe he wanted help on his song, not his song in consideration of his age.


But I too would like to know if you're only 12. Cause I sure hope no one knows heartache like that before he's a teenager.
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Or any age for that matter. But if we didn't, what would we write about? I wasn't making a reference to his age determining if I was going to help him. I simply said it was pretty mature for someone that age to write like this. I was impressed, that's all. And I was just stating that it was good writing. And I hoped he wasn't misrepresenting himself, that's all.
 
BentRabbit said:
I'm impressed...

When I was 12, most of my verses had the word 'Nantucket' in 'em... :rolleyes:
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LOL! :D Mine were pretty pathetic at that age too. I sat down and wrote what I thought was some really good stuff. I showed it to my dad, who pulls out an AC/DC album and played "Whole Lotta Rosie" for me. I had plagurized the hell out of it without even knowing it!
 
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