Thanks to everyone for taking the time to listen and comment:
modified dog - glad you like the tune. You're not alone in disliking my guitar tone!

I've tamed it
a lot since my first mix, but I can't bring my self to change it any more.
I agree about the vocal sound, but I'm not good enough to be sure what the problem is. I certainly have compressed the vocals, so it might just be that I've overdone it. They also sound "boxy" to me. I'd be grateful for any ideas on how to "open them up". I've already added a little air EQ, which helped, but they need something more.
mixmkr - thank you for your comments. Interesting point about the lead guitar changing from double-tracked hard-panned to mono. It was deliberate, and I felt it worked because it meant the guitar sound was taking up less space once the rest of the instruments came in. But you think maybe I should keep it double-tracked? I'll experiment with that idea...
Again, the noisy guitar on the left was meant so sound like that, but maybe it's a bit
too noisy, with not enough definition? Or maybe it's just a bit cheesy
The mumbling (maybe I should turn it up a bit?) is three separate interviews with Lynn Redgrave, John Gielgud and William Burroughs, mixed low and panned across the stereo field. No particular meaning, I just thought the track needed "something extra" and this was odd but interesting. I like the fact that you can just about make out a few words here and there, but not enough to really make sense of any of it.
crawdad - having heard your stuff, I know your comments won't be redundant!
The opening guitar riff/sound really seems to polarise opinion. Glad you like it.
The weird time signature was one of those mistakes that worked - I put the "jangly" guitar bit half a bar too close to the noisy guitar riff by mistake, but by the time I noticed what I'd done, I'd got used to it and thought it sounded cool. I love music when that kind of thing happens.
A couple of folk thought the intro was too long, but I'm loathe to cut it short. Maybe I could have a wee announcement at the beginning saying "don't worry, the vocals will be here soon"
I've brought the vocals up in level qutie a lot since my first mix. I'm not very confident about my sinnging, and I'm certainly no crawdad

so it's hard for me to expose the vocals as much as I already have, never mind turn them up even more!
I really appreciate that you liked the changes throughout the track - I wanted something new happening all the time, but not being too obtrusive or "busy sounding".
I really like Eric's drumming, and I think the fact that we can collaborate half way around the world is pretty amazing...
I've been playing in bands (intermittently) for years, and I've been writing for all that time too. I've done a few 4-track and 8-track tape demos at home, but this is the first time I've used SONAR in anger, and the first time I've had enough education (much of it from Homerecording.com) to actually "mix" and "produce" rather than just chuck everything down as a sonic scribble.
boydrj - I think the cymbals in particular are a bit quiet - you reckon the whole kit could come up a bit? I'll try it. Thanks for all your positive comments.
kramer - glad you like the like the guitar now. When I looked at the original mix with a decent averaging spectrum analyser, it was like "yuck - massive midrange/presence bump from about 1.5k to 4k". My ears must be very tolerant of midrange, or something.
I really like Eric's drums - much more natural than my original drums.
Thanks for being the first to respond, and for keeping with it - I really appreciate your help along the way.
Cheers
Alastair