My 15 year old mind

[Rokket]

Was amazing... A couple years ago I posted a song that I wrote when I was 15 because I was amazed at how mature the writing was. Well, here is another one I dug up. Tell me what you think. I am thinking of recording it.

Temporary Breakdown

She had a knack for going her own way
And she kept to herself
I couldn't leave her alone if I wanted
She was controlling both heads

Another time in another place
I could have walked away
But this woman was torturing me
I think I want it this way

Temporary breakdown
Heading for a fall
Standing on the front lines
With my back against the wall
Temporary breakdown
I am in trouble again
Looking for a good time
I don't think I'll ever win

Another conquest,a fleebag hotel
Wallow in my own filth
I pass the benjamin as she departs
I realize that I'm lost

Looking back in flagrante delicto
I can't see my disdain
I sit in a total quagmire
With no desire to change

 

[Rokket]

13 views, no replies.

Is it bad writing? I plan to redo some of the lines...

 

[Chili]

I'm thinking, what the hell is a 15 yr old doing paying a hooker $100....??? That's what I'm thinking!!!

A couple of rhyming issues, V1 herself/heads; V3 filth/lost. Also a tense issue in V2: "was torturing" and "I want"

It will be nice to hear music with it.

Peace!!

 

[Toddskins]

Exactly

I'm thinking, what the hell is a 15 yr old doing paying a hooker $100....??? That's what I'm thinking!!!

A couple of rhyming issues, V1 herself/heads; V3 filth/lost. Also a tense issue in V2: "was torturing" and "I want"

It will be nice to hear music with it.

Peace!!

Me too, and not only that, but it is reeks of sin. There's so much ugliness we see, everywhere, that now we have teenagers thinking it is cool to partake in the sins of adults, it is a complete turnoff.

There's nothing cool about this.

You asked for opinions.

 

[Rokket]

I'm thinking, what the hell is a 15 yr old doing paying a hooker $100....??? That's what I'm thinking!!!

A couple of rhyming issues, V1 herself/heads; V3 filth/lost. Also a tense issue in V2: "was torturing" and "I want"

It will be nice to hear music with it.

Peace!!

Yeah, it's got issues, and I will be rewriting it.

 

[Rokket]

Me too, and not only that, but it is reeks of sin. There's so much ugliness we see, everywhere, that now we have teenagers thinking it is cool to partake in the sins of adults, it is a complete turnoff.

There's nothing cool about this.

You asked for opinions.

And we each have our own. Keep in mind this was written around 1982 (with the exception of the line about the 100 dollar bill), and as far back as recorded time allows, teens were out trying to get laid. It's a cold, hard, ugly fact of life. Me writing or not writing about it doesn't change that. Only as a collective conscience can we do anything about it.

There isn't supposed to be anything cool about it.

And I did ask for opinions.

 

[Rokket]

The rewrite

Hope this sounds better. It does to me:

Temporary Breakdown

She had a knack for going her own way
And she kept to herself
I couldn't leave her alone if I wanted to
She was controlling me well

Another time in another place
I could have walked away
But this woman is torturing me
I think I want it this way

Temporary breakdown
Heading for a fall
Standing on the front lines
With my back against the wall
Temporary breakdown
I am in trouble again
Looking for a good time
Don't think I'll ever win

Another day I gaze in the distance
As she is making her move
Why can't I tell her all that she's doing
Making me feel like a fool?

Looking back in flagrante delicto
I can't see my disdain
I sit in a total quagmire
With no desire to change

 

[gecko zzed]

awesome writing, let alone for a fifteen year old. It captures well the desolation and sordidness of this episode with great imagery.

I don't think it needs a re-write.

 

[Chili]

I agree with ZZed, whether 15 or 41, it works.

(Although, the "gaze from a distance" thing is a nice emotion filled image, but save that for another song.)

You had a few snags to clean up, but I think you should leave the original intact.

JMHO,
Cheers.

 

[Rokket]

I'm getting votes from both sides. I guess I have time (it'll be six months minimum before I can record it) to let this go through a few more looks.

Please comment on both versions and which one should be the one that gets recorded!

 

[Yonce N Mild]

I like the first version too. I'm not sure I like the word quagmire in there though. It makes me think of Family Guy.

 

[gecko zzed]

The first version is grittier, more pungent. Go for it!

 

[Rokket]

Yeah, that came from the creative writing class I was in at the time I was writing this. My teacher would do exercises where she would have us write a poem from straight inspiration, then go through it later in class and try to expand our vocabulary by replacing common, cliche'd images with more colorful words. A quagmire is an embarassing situation, so it fits the song, and the character on Family Guy.

 

[Rokket]

The first version is grittier, more pungent. Go for it!

Probably will with a rewrite to fix some of the bloopers in the rhyming parts, but I'd like a few fresh voices before I make a firm decision.

Thanks for the input, Zed...

 

[Rokket]

Probably will with a rewrite to fix some of the bloopers in the rhyming parts, but I'd like a few fresh voices before I make a firm decision.

Thanks for the input, Zed...

I don't know if anyone else is seeing this, but the second verse is all about replacing the girl I can't get with really bad second choices, and so it fits the story line.

With the rewrite, I am longing for her at a distance, and watching her flirting and what-not with other guys. Perhaps I should make the rewrite the second verse, and make the original second verse a third verse?

What do you think?

 

[Rokket]

Final draft, for now:

Temporary Breakdown

She had a knack for going her own way
And she kept to herself
I couldn't leave her alone if I wanted to
She was controlling me well
Another time in another place
I could have walked away
But this woman is torturing me
I think I want it this way

Temporary breakdown
Heading for a fall
Standing on the front lines
With my back against the wall
Temporary breakdown
I am in trouble again
Looking for a good time
Don't think I'll ever win

Another day I gaze in the distance
As she is making her move
Why can't I tell her all that she's doing
Making me feel like a fool
Looking back in flagrante delicto
I can't see my disdain
I sit in a total quagmire
With no desire to change

Temporary breakdown
Heading for a fall
Standing on the front lines
With my back against the wall
Temporary breakdown
I am in trouble again
Looking for a good time
Don't think I'll ever win

Another conquest, a flee bag hotel
Wallow in my own filth
I pass the benjamin as she departs
I am a slave with no will
Each time I see her pretty face
My mind plots a new game
Planning and scheming to own her again
But it all ends the same

 

[VomitHatSteve]

Another conquest, a fleebag hotel

Geeze! 15-year-old you sure couldn't spell!

Looks pretty good. It's pretty bleak, which can be a good or bad thing to include in your music. You don't seem to be encouraging kids to frequent prostitutes with these lyrics, so I'd say it's probably ok.

 

[Rokket]

Geeze! 15-year-old you sure couldn't spell!

Looks pretty good. It's pretty bleak, which can be a good or bad thing to include in your music. You don't seem to be encouraging kids to frequent prostitutes with these lyrics, so I'd say it's probably ok.

The whole song isn't supposed to be from the point of view of a 15 year old. Like I said, I was touted when I was younger because my writing was mature beyond my years. I am not encouraging anything, but telling the tale of a guy who wants a girl he can't have, and substitutes her with low life proxies.

What's the proper spelling of fleebag? Flee bag?

 

[SEDstar]

...

Huh... I like the lyrics.

in 1982 ?

Miami Vice made expensive call girls seem like caviar, a nice thing you bought when you had the spare cash.

H3lls B3lls, I think I was 15 or 16 in 1982. I need a frickin calculator to nail the year down, LMAO, I wasnt getting any either that year, LMAO


in most places, I can almost hear a singer doing a Phil Collins kinda thing on this. If you write music to it, keep at it till you get a "match" as its a good song idea, I think anyways. Play with it, see what you can come up with to see if you can get a song going around it.

 

[Rokket]

Huh... I like the lyrics.

in 1982 ?

Miami Vice made expensive call girls seem like caviar, a nice thing you bought when you had the spare cash.

H3lls B3lls, I think I was 15 or 16 in 1982. I need a frickin calculator to nail the year down, LMAO, I wasnt getting any either that year, LMAO


in most places, I can almost hear a singer doing a Phil Collins kinda thing on this. If you write music to it, keep at it till you get a "match" as its a good song idea, I think anyways. Play with it, see what you can come up with to see if you can get a song going around it.

I already have a melody for it, it's just a matter of getting home in March so I can track it...

Thanks for the comments. I don't think I can do Phil Collins any justice, but I may have someone who can.