Moonburn - comments appreciated

[icystorm]

Hi all!

After taking a three month writing hiatus, I've written my first new song of 2008. It's called "Moonburn". This demo is the backing track only without the vocals yet, but I do plan to record and mix the vocals soon, as time permits.

If you've ever enjoyed spending lazy summer nights or crisp autumn nights outside with someone who makes you smile, you may like this song.

Box.net version (256 kbps)

http://www.box.net/shared/nr3yfjd440

Soundclick version (128 kbps)

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=787980&content=songinfo&songID=6401454

As always, feedback and comments are welcomed...

Cheers,
Joseph (icystorm)


- - - L y r i c s - - -

Moonburn

Words and music by: Joseph Spain
Created with Jamstudio.com, Acoustica Mixcraft 4, and Audacity 1.3

verse 1

Your smile and the light
in your eyes tell our story
When we come together
Your spirit shines deep inside me
Through every season
You are my days and life
We dream where we play
in the moonlight through every night, love

chorus

You and I race hand in hand
Across the field beyond the shadows
Our secret place in the full moon's light
The Heavens glow and shine in your eyes
The taste of you warms the midnight cold
Below the stars we embrace forever
Love begins where our kisses fall
I treasure all that remains and
never fades from our moonburn

verse 2

My heart in your hands
knows the true love that you show
When you lay beside me
outside in cut hay or white snow
You're every reason
You are my hope and light
We laugh where we play
under starlight through every night, love

chorus

You and I race hand in hand
Across the field beyond the shadows
Our secret place in the full moon's light
The Heavens glow and shine in your eyes
The taste of you warms the midnight cold
Below the stars we embrace forever
Love begins where our kisses fall
I treasure all that remains and
never fades from our moonburn

chorus

You and I race hand in hand
Across the field beyond the shadows
Our secret place in the full moon's light
The Heavens glow and shine in your eyes
The taste of you warms the midnight cold
Below the stars we embrace forever
Love begins where our kisses fall
I treasure all that remains and
never fades from our moonburn

(repeat chorus through fade)

 

[SteveE9C6]

Joseph,
Without the words it is difficult... I don't really hear a cohesive melody.
There is a very unsettling pulse/stutter between each bar in the entire song. It almost sounds like loops that are not crossfaded properly.

I would like to hear this when you add the vocals.
Steve

 

[icystorm]

Steve,

Good point about the crossfade annoyance between bars. I am working on that.

Thanks.

Joseph (icystorm)

 

[Supercreep]

Yeah, it's the HH getting cut off.

Nice piano work. And I really do like the swells behind the chords.

You may want to give certain instruments prevalence in certain passages, rather than just blend them all so nicely. There's lots of room in a simple song like this for rhythmic and melodic complexity.

Slap some vox on there, 'Storm.

 

[icystorm]

Thanks for the feedback, Supercreep! Excellent points to ponder.

Cheers,
Joseph (icystorm)

 

[rayc]

The bass seems to be a bit muddy with the bottom end of other things. maybe a little bottom roll off & a definition peak?

 

[icystorm]

Thanks for listening and the good advice, RayC. I agree with you.

Joseph (icystorm)

 

[Xeries]

Your arranger has a pretty sound to it with some nice swells. Unless you change chords dead nuts perfect, you'll get that bleed through that people are mistaking for a crossfaded loop at other than zero on the waveform.

I know it takes a lot longer, but If I were you I would play the piece on the piano (you obviously have the ability) until you get a good verse and then copy and paste it for the whole song and then add the bass and the drums. The arranger sounds artificial, and this song deserves a more purist approach. Sorry for the tough love.

 

[icystorm]

Hi Xeries,

Thanks for listening, commenting, and the good advice.

The instrumentation (playing) is not my own. I'm not good enough. I hope that does not diminish my credibility as a novice songwriter.

When I write my songs, I work out the chords in my head and on my acoustic guitar, and then I use jamstudio.com, acoustica mixcraft 4, and audacity 1.3 to bring them to life, using my chords, as demos.

Cheers,
Joseph (icystorm)

 

[DavidK]

The instrumentation (playing) is not my own. I'm not good enough. I hope that does not diminish my credibility as a novice songwriter.

Different things.

Sounds good. Realistically, the vocals will get the attention. With something over the misaligned loop problem, it may sound cool. Try adding a string line or something else in there, a long, slow bed. You need something smooth to act as a bridge between the gaps.

I look forward to hearing the finished product.

 

[icystorm]

With something over the misaligned loop problem, it may sound cool.

Thanks for the comments and encouragment, David. The loop problem -- which turned out to be a buffering/latency problem between Mixcraft and my sound card -- will be largely corrected on the next demo before I add the vocals.

Cheers,
Joseph (icystorm)

 

[icystorm]

Here is another demo of Moonburn. This one has vocals.

320kbs mix

http://www.box.net/shared/g66hxs7k8w

128kbps mix

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=787980&songID=6401454

I know I'm flat and off-key and such in a couple-a-three spots, and there are other imperfections, but it's a demo after all. That, and I'm a complete novice with cheapo gear! Heh. I'll fix what I can on my next demo.

Okay, I'm not 1/10th as good as most of what I hear here, but, hey, I try. ;-)

Cheers,
Joseph (icystorm)