Mind's Embrace - New original for comment

L

Live42

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This is my latest original song. I just wanted to get some feedback on it as Im just starting to perform it at open mics to get the kinks out. Its a rough recording, just looking for comments on the songwriting/ arrangement. If you have any ideas for instrumentation/ production please share those too, as I am hoping to record the keeper version soon.



--------------------

VERSE:
I simply can't explain,
how theres something I've refrained,
from giving up till now
First words become a page,
that fills the chapter with your name.
Its ink is barely dry

PRECHORUS
I cannot say this quite enough,
but I simply can't give this up.
Its not enough, but its all to much for now....

CHORUS:
You struck a chord with me somehow,
and Im now quite sure what that means right now,
so I'll sit right here and get this down cause you see...
I'm not quite sure when this will all come back to me

VERSE:
Notes hang in time and space
Each one its rightful place
Describe more than we could say.
Plucked from his mind's embrace
as if in a grand escape
from the edge of reality

PRECHORUS:
Im sure I can't have made this up
cause Im not quite sure where you came from
Its not enough but its all too much for now

CHORUS

Instrumental Bridge

CHORUS

Im not quite sure when this will all come back
Yes Im not quite sure when this will all come back
Im not quite sure if this will all come back.....
To me.

------------


Thanks for your feedback!
 
There's plenty of good imagery in your writing. But, I'm afraid that's all there is. You didn't give me quite enough to bring me in with you.

Just my 2 cents
 
I'm with the resident curmudgeon on this one L42 - it's missing something... I don't know what, some sort of lyrical hook perhaps...

I get the point, but it's not cutting through... MOR-ish lurve ballads ain't exactly my thing though, so take anything I say with a grain of salt if you like...
 
something missing dude

i heard already your song dude........according to me
1. something missing with your tempo
2. your song is good but its too flat for me.......you need some peak point for your song.........
3. your voice need some more embellishment..............


thanks
 
dude, add in bass guitar, punching on the backbeat, and then tap in some xylaphone (sp?) with a quiet, simple melody. Finally, biddy bap some light bongos.

Those things will make a huge difference.

I hope this doesn't come across as an insult, but you've got a jack johnson thing going with this song. Add in some of his sounds (like I mentioned) and it will pick up.

Maybe even up the tempo a bit.
 
I agree with you guys that this needs something more. I would love to have the song be able to stand on its own with just a solo acoustic and voice, as that is format that I perform. I think I like the ideas of the song, but perhaps need to elaborate on them in the second verse and chorus to create some build up in the song. When I record the final version, I very well may add some further instrumentation, but really do feel that this song calls for a minimalist approach. Thanks for the feedback. I think you guys really just confirmed my suspicions. That said, this song is very young, and Im getting better at it every time I perform it.
 
It's a really nice gentle song, but I think it could really benefit by adding a few extra more beautiful/sad chords rather than, or in addition to, the slightly "bluesy" chords you use to accompany the vocal. Hope this is useful.
 
<unsolicited opinion>

You should aim to be better than Jack Johnson because he's goddamn awful and a pox on all our lives...

</unsolicited opinion>

Seriously, the bones are there, but I think a bit of word tweaking, and a bit more in the vocal melody and you've got a fine song...

I like the chord changes/progressions... I noted the tempo things too in the chorus but as it's a roughie I assume you're aware of this and will fix with time. If you're not aware, try playing against a metronome when you practice it..

Good luck..
 
Live 42 you have a really strong commercial sound – I think comparisons to Jack Johnson are fair but somewhat limited. Plenty of singer songwriters with a thumb and pluck style before Jack.

The bones are definitely in this track, the imagery of ‘the girl is the song’ is strong but not clearly defined in the Ch.

Musically I think you need greater difference between the Ch & Vs section. The pre-Ch starts to build a lovely momentum, but it isn’t realised in the melody of the Ch. I’d play with the pre-Ch progression and see where else it might lead to or stick with the same progression and try and start the Ch melody later or earlier on the chord.

I am missing the lyrical hook in the Ch. What are you actually saying? Here’s potential readings I get -

1. You can’t define the relationship, but you are going to stick with it
2. You can’t define your feelings for the girl, but you’ll perceiver
3. You cant write a song about what your feeling, so you’ll just note it down and let it distil

The 3rd is possibly the least productive course

There’s a great play on words with your first line with the ‘struck a chord’, but beyond that I really don’t care (as a listener) that you are leaving it there? You’re using a lot of descriptive language that does not usually occur in a Ch. You need some thing concise and direct that clearly expresses what the song is about.

What about something along the lines of ‘she’s the song you can not write but are desperate to sing’ or ‘want to write but she is a mystery’.

You’ve got to try to inject some dramatic tension and something that will help the listener identify with the singer. Once you clarify this then the Vs will jus need a bit of tweaking in line with whatever direction you want to take.

Great start I look forward to hearing how this song progresses.

HTH

Burt
 
First of all, I think the writing is pretty clever...that being said there is a fine line between clever and too clever, this song dances between the two. You can write ironically and cleverly as long as you don't venture into cheesy territory, unless that is your aim.

Secondly, I understand like someone above mentioned that you're writing about a girl and you're struck by her. But I think you missed the mark by NOT telling us anything about her. She's obviously had an impact on you but you're just telling us that you're thinking about her and that you're writing about her, not anything about her per se. Make sense?
 
Just got back from a 2 week vacation/ period of severe guitar withdrawal. Im still trying to get caught up with everything but I did have a little time to work on the song. Changes are:

1. Verse is jazzed up. Same chords, new little melody line, more interesting.
2. Bridge is completely redone. Its now this cool little fingerpicking line that has a chromatically descending bass line. I really can't figure out why it works, but it does.
3. The final chorus is extended and I think it really lets the song arrive at its high point.
4. Ive played it about a bajillion times so the execution is better.

I know the lyrics need work too, they are the next thing under the gun.

I'll post a new recording probably tomorrow because Im taking the lady in question to the Mets game tonight :D

Thanks again for your critiques. The more you guys yell at me, the more I fix stuff.
 
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