May's Challenge?

[jdblessing1970]

Mine is a spoof song with the same title. Kinda like what Wierd Al might do...

Wouldn't It Be Nice
Wouldn’t it be nice if you were faithful
Instead of doing every guy you know
And wouldn’t it be if you were classy
Instead of some two-bit skanky ho.

But you know I’m only dreaming
I still wake up in cold sweats, screaming

Wouldn’t it be nice if you were pleasant
So I could be seen with you outside
And I could actually introduce you to my fam’ly
Instead of making you run off and hide.

It would give me such great pleasure
If you’d finally go away forever
Wouldn’t it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then I could finally be rid of you!
We could be divorced
And then I’d be happy

Wouldn’t it be nice

You know it seems the more I think about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn’t it be nice

 

[rayc]

Feedback

Al though there're only a few I'll offer commentary on the two I've not offered...
Geckozzed:
As mentioned - it has a similar story line to another Wilson track BUT then again so do SO many other songs.
I REALLY like the way this hangs together & your choice of words is almost uniformly spot on. The only fly in the ointment for me is the line:
"It looks to me your judgement was not sound"
Whilst it carries the story forward and fits the scan & rhyming schemes it reads a little forced. It does echo the previous line's message and follows in that the reinforcement the 2nd line in the stanza gives the 1st but it doesn't work for me.
I'm uncertain, but not as uncomfortable, with "...the swamp of life...". It's an interesting analogy but hmmm... I don't know.
Oh, I reckon you should start with an extra couple of syllables on your very 1st line - even, I hesitate to offer, Baby would do the line justice.
Very nicely constructed lyrics. Well done.
jdblessing1970,
I resisted the temptation to spoof - 'twas a hard one though. Particularly since the chocolate commercial downunder has set this song up so much of late.
You drew a laugh from me &, despite some slight conflict in the position the bloke hold, the story & construction are linear and good.
The reprise of almost original lyrics at the end was nifty.
It'd be fun to hear someone singing this sweetly.
Well done.

 

[gecko zzed]

May Challenge ~ feedback

Pickings are poor this month. I was looking forward to the range of interpretations that might have emerged. Oh well, we'll just work with what's here so far. Maybe a few more might sneak out of the kitchen drawer.

RayC:

This is a very clever and highly credible piece of writing. Two things make this stand out. The first is how well the syllables and phrasing matches the original melody. Second is how fluid the new lyrics are. While many of the lyrics are not highly original (e.g. "it seemed that nothing could go wrong" or "swallow my pride"), they really have been woven into the song well, and there is enough novelty there to make me lift my eyebrows in appreciation, such as "sharing air was something very new/ it wasn't long before that breath was stolen/suffocating with the deja vu". Excellent work!

jdblessing:

You've rendered a version of this song that Weird Al would be proud of. I can so easily imagine him doing a version of this. I agree with RayC that it bubbles with dark humour, and the whole thing fits together nicely. I also agree with RayC when he comments on "some slight conflict in the position the bloke hold". It seems that for the bulk of the song the bloke wants her, but wishes she could change, whereas towards the end it seems he would much rather be rid of her. However, I don't suppose it matters that much in satire. Well done!