^^ Great post Harvey, Hilarious, and would fit in well with the litany of questionable advice in the article
I had some other issues with the article and some of my favorite WTF moments are:
1) He says:
take it to a mastering house where they will gladly warm up your tunes and relieve you of a load of cash
And then suggests using TC Powercore
CL1B on individual tracks and then either Ozone or T-Racks on the master.
These plugs cost about $700 combined (assuming you already have th powercore DSP card). For $700 yo could easily get 3 albums mastered professionally at a reputable Mastering House
WTF?
2) he says:
All i’m doing is what i should have done in the first place – applying some compression. The music i’m making is very dynamic so i don’t want to just squash everything so here’s how i approached it:
Solo the track, insert the plug-in.
Switch the meter to “input” so i could see the level coming in
Adjust the threshold knob down to the same level
Switch the meter to “compression”
Adjust the threshold until the meter was showing about 3dB – 5dB of compression
Adjust the ratio knob to alter the severity of compression – I left this quite low as i was looking for light compression
Un-solo the track & adjust the gain to compensate the drop in level.
This isn’t a mastering process – this is mixing properly!
Compressing a random track with a goal of simply reducing the output by 3-5dB is not mixing properly. It's checking a box for the sake of it without understanding what you are doing or why.
why pick that track? What made him feel it needed compressing? Why 3-5 dB? what about attack and release settings? why do it solo rather than in the context of the mix?
If he just wanted the track 3-5 dB quiter in some spots why pick a compressor at all? what about riding the faders or volume automation?
In fact why even talk about mixing in an article about mastering at all? Mastering tracks assumes the mixes are done and you are happy with them this is just confusing.
WTF?
3) he says:
I would recommend using a different piece of software to that which you created the music in – it’s not essential but it does give that feeling of progression
Huh?
So although my DAW has a perfectly good audio engine and can host all of my VSTs I need to buy more software to master?
WTF?
4) He says:
Most people go on about how it’s all to do with your ears – which it is of course – but i find it very helpful to be able “see” what’s going on. The spectrum meter gives an instant impression of where your music is harmonically heavy and where a bit of EQ would smooth everything out.
So if it sounds good but looks harmonically heavy you should EQ the F*ck out of it anyway, even though it sounds good? (you do know that those plugs suggested will also add euphonic harmonics by design right? to make the music sound more analog or "pro" or whatever,right? So he suggests slapping in processing to add harmonics and then use those same processors to EQ out the harmoncs, HA HA HA)
WTF?
there was lots more but these really made me laugh and say WTF?
I'm not saying you can't master your own stuff at all because you absolutely can. But buying $700 of "mastering" plugins plus a new DAW to master in (to save $2-300 bucks on getting an album professionally mastered) and then slapping a bunch of random effects on, regardless of how the music actually sounds seems to go against everything this forum usually stands for in terms of how we advise people go about mixing/mastering in a smart way