Lyrics - is this english?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Monomaniac
  • Start date Start date
M

Monomaniac

New member
Hi,

as you can see in my profile, english is not my native language, but I keep writing songs in english, because it is easyer to sing than german (german's better for hip-hop). Very few people write really good songs in german.
I just wanted to know, what an american or english person says to my lyrics.
Here is one that's about a prisoner, what he dreams and feels.
It's very sad, but I like sad songs :-)

Here we go:

Prison

You can see strange lightning
On a foreign place there‘s an open book
Titled „Memories run deep“
Look at the first page what you now see is yourself
How you took that stone and smashed it down
That’s when you wake up from your sleep

Well you find yourself in your prison cell again
You walk around, feels like a thousand times
In your small world you will stay
Your world it is just fifteen feet long and ten feet wide
You feel like six feet under
Buried `till the break of day

By yourself sitting down late at night
Never could believe never could know
That you would give up the fight
You start to scream `till they come and beat you down
And your blood, the blood of a killer
Drops slowly to the ground

Chorus:
You beg for this to end
You cry a thousand tears
Inprisoned by your own dumbness
Memories hit your brain
You get weaker

Falling – in a sinners grave
Living in a body
That’s no use at all
Night gets darker though it’s early morning
You feel cold so cold it’s much to cold
You can’t stop to fall

Chorus...

Thanks for reading and I wait for your critics. Don't be friendly, be honest :-).

Greetings

Monomaniac
 
Hmmm, kinda reminds me that there aren't many German stand up comedians.

I wouldn't change much. except possibly the wording in part of the chorus:
You beg for this to end
You cry a thousand tears
Inprisoned by your own dumbness (maybe - imprisoned by stupidity)
Memories hit your brain (maybe - as memories hit your brain)
You get weaker
 
Hi mono........
You write very well in your second language.
Since you asked for criticism , I will oblige.
There must be hundreds of songs about doing time. Probably thousands of them. ALL the good ones were written by guys who actually spent time in prison. The rule that applies here is rule#1 "write what you know". If you don't feel like commiting a crime and doing the whole "capture,trial,conviction routine then I suggest that you take some time and listen to a bunch of prison songs.
When you feel that you have a handle on the subject , then it will be time to apply rule#2, which is my personal favorite............
RE-WRITE...RE-WRITE...RE-WRITE
Oh yeah, I just made up rule #3, Take out all the adjectives and adverbs. This will leave mostly nouns and verbs. Of whats left use only those which are necessary for color, mood and action
Also, you might try using the first person ( I...Me...Mine)
Good luck mono
writeon...chazba
 
What Chazba said...I Me Mine...Hummm..Beatles! LOL

Don
 
Thanks for your help so far

philboyd studge - I will use the part "AS memories hit your brain" or "mind" as joro said (wrote). Also I will change the "Imprisioned by your own dumbness..."-part. Sounded strange even for me.
By the way, you were wrong about the standup comedians! We've got thousands of them... ...one or two are funny. :-)

chazba - no, I never spent time in prison. In fact I never was an angel or a seer or a shizophrenic (I know I wrote it wrong...) but I wrote songs about them. I try to think like "How would I feel if...". And some years ago I was on visit in a prison and I thought I would go insane if I had to spend the rest of my life in a cell.
In Germany there are not many prison songs. So it would be good if you could tell me a good prison song. The only one I know is "Riot in cell block numer nine" and I think this is NOT a real prison song. By the way, the part with "they come and beat you down" may be inspired by movies. :-)

Thanks

Mono(maniac)
 
A prison song that comes to mind:

"Jail Break" by AC/DC

:D Haven't thought about that one for a long time. Probably not the best example.

I'm showing my old roots here, but also "The Prisoner" by Iron Maiden. (Don't tell anyone that I used to be metalhead. :))

Monomaniac, you do write very well in English. I certainly can't write that well in German.

"Dumb" and "Dumbness" aren't really words that are used in english song very often. I might also suggest "Imprisoned by your own actions" or "your own choices." I would also suggest the word "mind" instead of "Brain." Generally, a brain is the physical thing inside one's head while the mind is what we experience memories in- our thoughts and feelings.

I have to third what Chaz said as well: look at how many times the word "You" is used in the song. That would grate on my nerves after the second or third time through the song. There is almost always a way to take some of those words out.

Take care,
Chris
 
Ditto the dumbness.
Ditto the I, me, mine.

I hear a lot of 'you, your'. Possibly another word or restructure a line or two. Just to put a gap in the 'you'.

Just a few minor changes would focus more on the content than some of the words.
It is an interesting song, I'd like to hear the music sometime.
You do well with your english, Mono.
 
Here are the new lyrics.
I took your tips and tried to realize them.
Also I tried to take as many you's out as possible. The you's in the chorus are necessary for the melody (don't ask why) and the feeling, so I let some of them stand.
I didn't want to write the song with I, me, mine because I've wrote so many songs in this person and (you're right chazba) it's not my own experience. It's just about someone in a prison somewhere in some world.

Again thanks to everyone here. If I really get the song together and it finds the way on a CD, then you can find everybody in here in the credits!

And for my english: We all get english lessons in school here in Germany and it's astonishing how music helps. Most of my english is from songs I tried to understand. But don't ask me how often I use my "Langenscheidt"-book to look for words like "astonishing"
:-)

Here we go:

Prison

Well you can see strange lightning
On a foreign place there‘s an open book
Titled „Memories run deep“
Look at the first page what is to see is yourself
The man who took that stone and smashed it down
That’s when you wake up from your sleep

Well find yourself in this prison cell again
Start to walk around, feels like a thousand times
In this small world you will stay
This world is just fifteen feet long and ten feet wide
You feel like six feet under
Buried `till the break of day

By yourself sitting down late at night
Never could believe never could know
That there’s an end of the fight
Start to scream `till they come and beat you down
And the blood, the blood of a killer
Drops slowly to the ground

Chorus:
You beg for this to end
You cry a thousand tears
Imprisoned by fatal choices
As memories hit the mind
You get weaker

Falling – in a sinners grave
Living in a body
That’s no use at all
Night gets darker though it’s early morning
Feeling cold so cold it’s much to cold
You can’t stop to fall

Thanks and greetings
Monomaniac
 
The chours is cool.
The lyrics seems so much, Ummm,,, cleaner now.
A great song in the works.
 
Hi mono...It already scans better. See rule#2
Don...the I-me-mine thing came from an interview with Chuck Berry. They were talking about his lyrics and he said something like " I always liked simple words like I,me and mine" Very revealing do you think??
writeon...chazba
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top