Lyrics for review. "Cloud Descent"

avedic

avedic

New member
Usually I'm not big on posting lyrics until there's actually music first, but I just finished writing this a few minutes ago. Figured I'd see what you think. It might not totally rhyme, but in the context of the music it all fits.

"Cloud Descent"

(verse1)
Resort to what we don't know
and lie
Relieve neurotic tension
that abounds the situation
to fly.

(pre -chorus)
Everything's building
to a time of cascading uncertainty.

(chorus)
And when the clouds descend
will you look up?
will you be taken?
Or will you wallow on the shore?

(verse 2)
Meaning ascribed to one thing means another.
But does it matter...
You're all at play in your own reality.
Such a dogmatic eternity.

(pre -chorus)
Everything's building
to a time of cascading uncertainty.

(chorus)
And when the clouds descend
will you look up?
will you be taken?
Or will you wallow on the shore?
And wither.
Or Pray.
Or plead as though your conviction will get you through...

(bridge)
So forge on...
Through pestilence,
pursuing this hunger pain inside your body
Have you honestly learned nothing?
It's time to teach you.
To preach in-to you.
 
This is obviously a 'slower' peice, not my genre of music either, but I used to write songs (not ballards) as this appears to be. But I'm still a devout lyricist. I write at least two compositions a day on average. Some days I won't write a sentence and other days, six or seven complete works depending on inspiration. I write Hip Hop, poetry and spoken word. (you are thinking "oh no") hahaha listen, I study iambic pentameter and rhythmic multiples to the point of my peers telling me, "dude be quiet you are being just anal about stucture!" LOL. From what I see, your multis are way off, that's just an observation (from reading), I obviously can't hear your music, but on paper you rhyme scheme bears no 'rhyme or reason' (excuse the pun) In the first stanza, you have a melodious run of maybe say 4/4 and then without a matching follow up you go into two shorter 3/4s of couplets in the form of a multi layout (if they were it would be nicer) that bear no relation to each other. It strikes me as lacking candence (although I could be wrong) but the format looks very shakey. Your final line has two syllabals too many for the metric length that you set yourself. This is what I get from reading. Poetry always works better oritorically if it is perfectly structured on paper, you can (drag syllabals out and hold notes ect.) but as far as rythymic meter goes you need to have a stronger, more continuous structure. I get that from what I hear in my head just from looking at your lines. In terms of vocab, nice. The content was fine, but the structure needs to follow the pattern that you set for it, and the way you 'switched up' your meter after the first line troubled me. Lyricsm is usually 'even' in numbers rather than odd.

You could miss/ with a line like this/
but still make it tight/
if your rhyming's right/

You see? That's the structure you have. But your iambics falter on the second stanza (which should be the third with your chosen rhyming, IMHO)

Anyways, keep writing it's the only way to elevate and if it sounds right, do it. Remember, I can't hear you perform it. I just have a 'third eye' for lyrical structure after so long with just a notepad and a pen. Keep writing, (IF IT SOUNDS RIGHT, IT IS).

Pz to you and yours.
 
thanks. I understand how it might 'look' off on here, but set to music it all actually does fit. The song is actually a bit "fast" and heavy and actually in 5/4 time.
 
What the hell kinda lyrics are those??

This may be a sign of my complete uncultured existance, but i cant identify with that kinda stuff.

I'm sure its clever and deep, but just thought i'd throw in my two cents there.
 
Ok, I'll dumb it down a bit:

Verse:
Oh baby, I love you so...
You are the greatest
I hope you know

Chorus:
Baby I love you! Oh yeah!
Oh baby oh yeah! Love!

Repeat that over a 4/4 beat with a chord progression of: G C D C
 
avedic said:
Ok, I'll dumb it down a bit:

Verse:
Oh baby, I love you so...
You are the greatest
I hope you know

Chorus:
Baby I love you! Oh yeah!
Oh baby oh yeah! Love!

Repeat that over a 4/4 beat with a chord progression of: G C D C
Click to expand...

YOU THEIF!...I wrote that!:mad: ;) :D :D


Don
 
When it comes to lyrics I can't stand strait forward lyrics that dumb everything down to the lowest common denomonater. So, given that, I find bands like Tool to be rather inspiring. Below is an example of 2 songs by Tool. The vocal cadence in the first verse actually follows the fibonacci sequence for a bit before descending back down. Listen to it to hear what I'm talking about.

Fibonacci Sequence: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, etc...


Lateralus:

Black (1)
then (1)
white are (2)
all I see (3)
in my infancy. (5)
red and yellow then came to be (8)
reaching out to me. (5)
lets me see. (3)

As below, so above and beyond, I imagine (13)
drawn beyond the lines of reason. (8)
Push the envelope. (5)
Watch it bend. (3)

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see there is so much more
and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going, going...





Reflection:

I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
Defeated, I concede and
Move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
How pitiful

It's calling me...

And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
The moon tells me a secret - my confidant
As full and bright as I am
This light is not my own and
A million light reflections pass over me

Its source is bright and endless
She resuscitates the hopeless
Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting

And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt
Don't wanna be down here feeding my narcissism.
I must crucify the ego before it's far too late
I pray the light lifts me out
Before I pine away.

So crucify the ego, before it's far too late
To leave behind this place so negative and blind and cynical,
And you will come to find that we are all one mind
Capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable.
Just let the light touch you
And let the words spill through
And let them pass right through
Bringing out our hope and reason ...
before we pine away.
 
avedic said:
Ok, I'll dumb it down a bit:

Verse:
Oh baby, I love you so...
You are the greatest
I hope you know

Chorus:
Baby I love you! Oh yeah!
Oh baby oh yeah! Love!

Repeat that over a 4/4 beat with a chord progression of: G C D C
Click to expand...

Now theres a line that doesnt need to be crossed into the "cheese" area. But i can identify with those lyrics alot more. I can staple them to an emotion without sitting down and summing up what i clever guy i am for bein able to get into deep lyrics. People who look down on simple direct lyrics are just snobs. They couldnt write a hit song if they tried either.
 
avedic said:
When it comes to lyrics I can't stand strait forward lyrics that dumb everything down to the lowest common denomonater. So, given that, I find bands like Tool to be rather inspiring. Below is an example of 2 songs by Tool. The vocal cadence in the first verse actually follows the fibonacci sequence for a bit before descending back down.
Click to expand...

Wow. I never even *heard* of tool - before I came to this place (not this bboard, but a certain learning institution...

I can't say that I ... for example, I just always thought Rush had no reason to exist ... Tool, I can see the appeal, and somehow respect it .... but...


a song based on the fibonacci sequence.


I think I'll just make like a rabbit and ....
 
Well, to be fair, it's not based on on the fibonacci sequence alone.

The song is about the undercurrent of consciousness that flows beneath the physical world. Jung's "archetypes" and other clues about reality's true nature.

Alot of "popular" bands write music that appeals to the lowest common denomonater. They try to make music the "everyperson" can relate to. They do this because focus groups have data showing that this kind of music has a higher chance of selling.

As far as bands like Rush go...I agree with you. Writing a 45 minute drone epic based on some obscure calculus formula is ridiculous. However, a band like Tool wraps the occult(hidden) aspects of this universe together with a more physical view of reality and the end result is far more powerful than anything ever put to tape.

But that's just my view...
 
avedic said:
Well, to be fair, it's not based on on the fibonacci sequence alone.

The song is about the undercurrent of consciousness that flows beneath the physical world. Jung's "archetypes" and other clues about reality's true nature.

Alot of "popular" bands write music that appeals to the lowest common denomonater. They try to make music the "everyperson" can relate to. They do this because focus groups have data showing that this kind of music has a higher chance of selling.
Click to expand...

I'm afraid I'm going have to take up the debate here. Myself, I work really hard to write everyman lyrics in the language of day to day use. I could make a rhyme by using a literary word, but I shun this - you'll virtually never see something like that in what I write. I don't do this because of focus groups - I do this because this is what resonates with me, and this is how I want to reach out to the world. As I said, I was only recently exposed to tool, and I *appreciate* what they do, but I don't care (myself, personally) for this kind of approach to art. Of course, internally, my feelings about this are loaded with value judgements. but that's for me. Tool belong, I think to the same school of artistic thought as ezra pound. I don't know too much about him, but my impression is that he ... wanted to push boundaries in poetry and his means of doing this was by brining in mathematical and abstract ideas. He was a very learned man, and he brang this into his poetry. I'm an instinctual, feeling type, so ... the main thing is that it is hard for me to consider this Art. but between tool, and Ezra pound, --- well, at least tool ROCK !
 
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