Lyrics for critique

[cloakedcrow]

This is a song that I've written almost all of the lyrics for (except for one problem spot; more on that later). I've always thought it's difficult to critique lyrics without the real song structure to back them up, but I don't have the equiptment to record it as of yet (working on that!), so I'd appreciate y'all's thoughts on just the lyrics themselves.

Just to give an idea of background and style, the thing is sung in kind of a Broadway stage/Frank Sinatra delivery, a big-stage tongue-in-cheek, I'm-goofy-and-I-know-it kind of way. Hmm. Hope that makes sense. It did in my head, at least; doesn't translate so well to the screen. Anyway, on to the words!

"Style" by J.L.Sherman

(slow intro)
I'd like to say to you
A romantic word or two
I'd like to quote Rodgers and Hammerstein
But that time's gone so I must try to find
Words that communicate
Feelings of love now cliche
I want a Broadway-style love with a modern-style girl
And I want it today
But the past is past
The dream is gone
And in love retro doesn't apply
But perhaps I can find the right words to get by

(then faster, more swinging, punkier)
I'm in my Saturday-night best
Camoflauge pants nicely pressed
I've come here discreetly so your Dad won't meet me and
Make me run for my vehicle fleetly
Beneath your window I stand
Paper bouqet in hand
Who needs to go on Carribbean cruises
When you've got two tickets to see The Bruises
Then you descend
You take my hand
And far from this place we shall fly
Before your Dad notices my truck and comes out to apprehend you

Girl anytime I'm with you
My whole dream's coming true
You really take the cake
You're pretty you're charming
Your temper alarming
What a wonderful package you make


Okay, I'll leave it at that for now, because it's getting pretty long. Tell me what y'all think, what you like, what you hate. If people like it, I'll put up the other stuff that I've got, including the final bridge that's giving me fits. But for now, just tell me what you think so far. Thanks for any and all criticism!

-ravienne

 

[FunkDaddy]

Almost all the rhymes seem very forced. Some Yoda-speak here and there. I just can't seem to hear this one in my head to be honest, seems very unstructured. If you're trying to parody Broadway-style music, in a way, it could work I guess.

 

[Cosmic]

Hi cloaked,

This is a tough one to review. I like your approach; it is not an easy one, but I feel there are several different 'tones' running through the lyrics, and it conflicts with/dilutes the overall impact.

1st Verse:

Good beginning, sets the right light ironic tone. You think he's an older man who is well aware of time passing, and who is dealing with it in a coy fashion. Nicely written, and, yes, Frank or a good other loungy singer could drive it home.

2nd Verse:

Everything changes. We're now wearing Cammo pants. So it is in fact a young man singing. But would he really say 'nicely pressed'? Let alone 'discreetly' or, especially 'fleetly'?

Now if this is part of the irony inherent, so be it, but please cut out the 'Caribbean Cruises'. The sheer, crushing, middle-class-ness of that just destroys the irony built up between verses 1 and 2 which arrived precisely on that 'air of the past/conflict with present' feel one gets.

It's one thing to contrast old-shool elegance with nu hipness, but please don't inject your basic Ohio tourist into the scene, because I feel, as I said in the opening, that the tones are conflicting, and it takes away from either of the two personas you are presenting so far. The last part of the second verse, however, drives home that perhaps the suitor is indeed a good ol' boy, truck and all, with daddy around the corner with his 'rafle'

I am frustrated in writing this because I feel you have started something that, with the right light touch, can be fun. But you are mixing both genres and metaphors. Personally, I don't think you need to go full extreme on the character; what you need is a younger man who, cammos or not, is very much in tune with the Past, as you say in your first verse. That makes his statements much more true-sounding and consistent.

I hope my frankness is ok with you,

Best,

CC

 

[cloakedcrow]

I hope my frankness is ok with you,

Best,

CC

Absolutely, this is exactly what I was looking for.

With your comments in mind, I looked over the remainder of the unposted song and realized it had become a cumbersome, story-based excersise in character development. I'm going to give it some heavy reworking, then I'll post what I come up with and see if it works any better. Thanks for your in-depth analysis!

-ravienne

 

[Benreturns]

This poem (until i can hear it with a tune, it IS a poem - then they become lyrics) isnt bad. I agreed with some of the rhymes sounding forced, but I do like some of the nice touches of blending retro in a modern context. Thats the thing - You seem to go from a classic writing style ("then you descend, you take my hand") to a ironic kind of modern ummm... slapstick (Cant think of the word, help!) style. For instance: ("pants nicely pressed, hope your dad wont meet me..."). Is this a teen angst chirpy pop song or a peice of ironic writing? You need to make some definitions in it, then the touches of the style it is NOT of the other will work better. At the moment its a 50/50 style, caught between two genre's and slightly confusing.
Having said that, i cant hear the finished product, it might be a masterpeice!