Lyrics are here if you'd like to check em out for me

  • Thread starter Thread starter kidkage
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kidkage

kidkage

Bored of Canada
I posted a song here a while back, I received some feedback on everything which I really appreciated. I've just now realized though, that I should've posted the lyrics then so they could've been seen as well... so i'll post them now, I'd love to hear all feedback.
-----------------
"The Cleansing"

Another hiding place found on my own.
The biggest fear I have is of the unknown.
My only enemy is right in here.
In the mirror I see a force-less leer.

Condescending I have found them all to be,
And I find it humorous that all they are is me.
All I need from you lies right beyond the door.
In the discomfort I've found what I adore.

Clear me out.
Wash away what I've been.

You guaranteed my healing, but I still feel sore.
Everything I've nurtured now lies on the floor.
I can't help this sickness, you've seen how it's grown.
Only I can fix it by myself - Alone.

Wash away
What I've been.
-----------------

//Thanks for viewing :)
 
Only I can fix it
By myself
Alone.
I know that probably makes no difference to how it's sung BUT it reads better set out that way.

Pretty cool lyric. My only real concern is "...forceless leer."
The words don't work together. A leer, being an aggressive, invasive look, has some force - enough to create a response anyway.
How about something like:
Another hiding place found on my own.
The biggest fear I have is my own unknown.
My only enemy is right in here.
In the mirror that my nemesis will appear???????????
Your words work but this tightens it up as a written piece.

"The Cleansing"

Another hiding place found on my own.
The biggest fear I have is my own unknown.
My only enemy is right in here.
In the mirror that my nemesis will appear

Condescending I have found them all to be,
I find it humorous that all they are is me.
All I need from you lies right beyond the door.
In the discomfort I've found what I adore.

Clear me out.
Wash away what I've been.

You guaranteed my healing, but I still feel sore.
Everything I've nurtured now lies on the floor.
I can't help this sickness, you've seen how it's grown.
Only I can fix it
By myself
Alone.

Wash away
What I've been
 
Great! Here's A Few Suggestions

Great lyric! Even the meter (syllable count) between lines that rhyme seem to be fairly tight. Great images and a great song title!

The only thing I might add is your chorus (hook). Can you get a repeat of two lines somehow in your chorus? It seems so short considering the length of the verses. Usually with a chorus, some repetition is necessary (at least once, as you can see with most hit songs you hear on the radio).

You could repeat the same two lines in your chorus, or slightly change a word or two the second time around.

The other idea is to have you song title repeat exactly as it is in your chorus: the exact words in one line, followed by something else (or similar) for your second line. Maybe the first line of your chorus as it stands now could be more the second line and put your exact title in the first line somehow instead. What you have is similar to your song title but the EXACT title isn't getting placed in your chorus. That seems to be a common thread in most well-known songs.

Otherwise, great!! Hey, is there a short bridge for your song somewhere in there? You know, the release from the same old verse, verse, chorus, verse, etc. Most songs have short lyrical and musical bridges in them to serve as a release (usually after the second chorus or after the verse following a chorus). That bridge either leads you into a final verse or the final chorus. A bridge is usually 2 verse lines long (sometimes 4). It serves to build a predictable verse back into the chorus or next verse just to change the pace or pattern of the song just slightly. Keeps listeners from predictable boredom.

Not all songs have bridges! But many do. Keep that in mind down the road.

Mike Freze
 
Hey guys, thanks for viewing and replying, I've enjoyed reading both of your stuff in other threads, so it's nice to have you guys check this out for me :drunk:

rayc said:
Only I can fix it
By myself
Alone.
I know that probably makes no difference to how it's sung BUT it reads better set out that way.

Pretty cool lyric. My only real concern is "...forceless leer."
The words don't work together. A leer, being an aggressive, invasive look, has some force - enough to create a response anyway.
Click to expand...

Thanks alot for your input :) and believe or not I actually spent a while trying to figure out how write it, so it would read well. So, thanks for helping me out with that. As far as the actual lyrics go, since I'm still working on the song and it is my first attempt at lyrics, they're definitely open to change. I'll keep all suggestions in mind.

Mike Freze said:
The only thing I might add is your chorus (hook). Can you get a repeat of two lines somehow in your chorus? It seems so short considering the length of the verses. Usually with a chorus, some repetition is necessary (at least once, as you can see with most hit songs you hear on the radio).

You could repeat the same two lines in your chorus, or slightly change a word or two the second time around.

Hey, is there a short bridge for your song somewhere in there? You know, the release from the same old verse, verse, chorus, verse, etc.

Mike Freze
Click to expand...

Hey Mike, I've loved your thread on song titles.
Thanks for the input, and I'll definitely add another line to the chorus, because I've listened back a few times and it does feel short and plain.

//Thanks.

EDIT: I forgot to say, but there is a music bridge between the first and second verse. If you guys are interested in hearing the rough mix I can get it up for you.

Again, thanks.
 
Hey, KidKage!

Thanks for appreciating my comments. Just suggestions, OK? You are a great lyric writer from what I've seen.

Hey, I'd love to see your bridge. However, don't put a bridge between a first and second verse. That's too soon. Either put it after your second chorus or after your verses AFter your first chorus before you go to your second chorus repeat.

A bridge is just a moment's release for a song to "break up the monotony." It's best to use it only once in a song and usually a bit later than after the first verse.

Mike Freze
 
Here's a rough/crappy mix of the demo. It's the first thing I've ever done- wrote/ produced/ engineered everything myself so mixing, timing, and vocals are a little off I know :o
but anyway

the bridge isnt really a "bridge" it's more of a vocal-less verse.
AHHH Im rambling again
Here:
 
KK,
Playing the track now...
Starts like 1st album The Cure - which - for me is COOL!
I'd like the bass up the middle.
I like the panned drum parts.
Not sure about the distortion tone on the change guitar.
The lyrics work well in the song! The force less leer is a bit iffy as it lacks power and gets eaten by the music.
Like I said, there's lot lot of good early Cure in this.
A great beginning.
 
rayc said:
KK,
Playing the track now...
Starts like 1st album The Cure - which - for me is COOL!
I'd like the bass up the middle.
I like the panned drum parts.
Not sure about the distortion tone on the change guitar.
The lyrics work well in the song! The force less leer is a bit iffy as it lacks power and gets eaten by the music.
Like I said, there's lot lot of good early Cure in this.
A great beginning.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the words rayc :)
I underestimated the importance of taking my time on the mixing. Panning, levels and vocals are off, so I'm definitely working on that stuff.
I also underestimated the importance of metronome :p
//Again, Thanks.
 
(I'm bumping this because I don't need to start a new thread)

I'm finally back to working after spending the last few months "building my studio"
On this song I feel the need for a longer chorus.
What do you suggest?
I'm trying to decide between either repeating the entire first chorus twice or repeating the second line...
I want to repeat something instead of adding more lyrics because I'm really liking the way the lyrics are now, but.... ahhh rambling...
any suggestions?
 
rayc said:
Are we working from the same link & version?
Click to expand...

Yeah.
I'm going to re-record it now that I've spent some time brushing up on technique and bought the new equipment to make it a better production... Finally make use of that metronome.
But yeah still the same song. Also, the ending of the first chorus into the second verse doesn't feel right, so any and all suggestions on all fronts are welcome.
 
Coz U try dosen't mean U get there.
the point is lost, almost at the begaining and U never find the direction of cause

Good-L
 
rayc said:
The link is dead - will you repost?
Click to expand...

Yeah, sorry for the late reply. AT&T isn't the most reliable internet service.
I should have a link up by tomorrow.

@ T A H 2
thanks for the comment
 
this is what im thinking now:
Another hiding place found on my own.
The biggest fear I have is of the unknown.
My only enemy is right in here.
In the mirror I see a force-less leer.

Condescending I have found them all to be,
And I find it humorous that all they are is me.
All I need from you lies right beyond the door.
In the discomfort I've found what I adore.

Clear me out.
Wash away what I've been.
Clear me out.
Wash away what I've been.

You guaranteed my healing, but I still feel sore.
Everything I've nurtured now lies on the floor.
I can't help this sickness, you've seen how it's grown.
Only I can fix it by myself - Alone.

Clear me out
Wash away
What I've been.
----------------------

Im also seriously considering changing the drum parts during the chorus. bass-snare-hi hat thing instead of thumping toms
 
this would be worthwhile posting in the clinic...there quite a bit wrong with the mix imho, if you let some of the guys pick it apart in there you should get quite a lot of useful advice/feedback...I think it'll get overlooked in here

just remember if you are going to have unorthodox panning do it for a reason, not because you can...and work get all the tracks at the appropriate volume level before moving them about...the most important part of mixing is doing things because you need to not just because you can
 
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