lyrical contradiction. is my chorus ok?

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SANDWASH

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Hey guys,

I have this power ballad. The melody is killer (or at least I think so) and the lyrics are sincere. But I have a little problem. There’s this line that I use in the beginning of the first chorus that contradicts the last line of the chorus. When I sing it, the feeling is there, it shines. But when you read it as a passage, it sounds a bit awkward. Here’s how it goes:

Hold On
By M. Fillon

Verse I:
Hold on
Before you put down the phone
I want you to know
That it’s all okay
Yeah I’m getting through each day

Though you’re gone
And left me on my own
A calloused heart can still rise above
From the ashes of your love

Bridge:
I’d like to think I read the final chapter of a book
Although I yearn for more
It’s really over… over

Chorus:
I may never let you go
But now I can pretend
Look at you like you were nothing
More than just a friend
I know…

Walk away from everything
We’ve come to call our own
Took me all this time to realize
But in the end I know
It’s time to let you go

See what I mean? The letting you go bit is the main message but the way it’s written makes it seem like ‘I will not let you go, but I will let you go.’ It’s just a song, I know. But does it ruin the message?

Thanks,
Michael
 
Michael -

Yes . . . I think you should definitely work a little more on these lyrics, to get them to "make sense."

For your chorus, I would simply replace the last line with a repeat of the first line. Everything then makes sense, and you are strengthening the message by repeating it.

BTW, the title of your song really should be "Never Let You Go, especially if you take my advice about the chorus. You only use the phrase "Hold On" in the first line of the first verse -- not the usual place a listener looks for the title (unless it is repeated for every verse, or repeated within the verse or chorus). If you change the last line of the chorus, you now have a nice hook, and a great title.

Just my opinions.

DCM
 
I don’t think it’s necessarily contradictory. In context with the first verse & bridge, the first line of your chorus sounds like you are in some desperation over this. The word “may” sets it off like that for me. That line hits me like you want to let it go, but can’t see it happening soon. Then the last line says to me that even though it’s hard to do you know you must. In fact, consider changing the line to “I must let you go”? That gives it less of a time constraint in my mind, kind of leaving an unsaid “someday” at the end of that phrase. Hard to know if that would work though without hearing the song.

Incidentally, that’s kind of a strange place for a bridge. I can’t recollect any songs with a bridge between the first verse and a chorus. Maybe this is more like a lift rather than a bridge? Just curious.

Hope to hear a finished song out of this :)
 
This sounds pretty good but I agree with DCMaguire that it might be good to repeat that first line or at least rethink the last line. Maybe a slight change like I can't ever let you go. This pours the desperation on thick. Also, what did it take you all this time to realize? That you were just friends? You may want to think about how this line leads into the next.
 
DCMaguire said:

For your chorus, I would simply replace the last line with a repeat of the first line. Everything then makes sense, and you are strengthening the message by repeating it.
Click to expand...

I say change the first line to the last line

"its time to let you go"
 
hehehe...all kinds of different ideas. 31 flavors. Pick your favorite :D:D
 
hmmm...

wow, great suggestions, everyone!

the sentiment in the chorus is 'fine, we're just friends now, but deep inside, i still want you back - and i'm not telling anyone that.'

the song is based on (i'm SURE this has been experienced by every guy who broke up with the love of their life) when i kept calling my ex to ask her back. she'd want to put down the phone as soon as she knew it was me. then i wanted to make peace, so i wanted to tell her 'look, it's cool, i won't bug you anymore, i know it's time to let you go.' the end to it all kinda thing.

i'm gonna work on the chorus again and get your opinion on the revised version.

Jagular - i think by 'bridge' i meant 'refrain.' i'm not very good with music terms, i'm afraid. my band is currently recording our demo - i'll upload this track as soon as we finish it.

thanks guys!
 
You probably already have this song set but i just wanted to say that it painted kind of a cool picture for me.
When you said "i may never let you go" It sounds like you know what you need to do but, you know how you are, and theres still something there (some sort of confused emotion) holding you back from letting the girl go.

"in the end I know, it's time to let you go"
How many times have you known what you have to do but for some reason you don't do it.

I think that you shouldnt change it, If you do i think you would be painting a picture about a strong minded person that has finally gone through all the girl trouble crap and now he realizes what hes got to do. let her go. which is cool, but how many songs are about victory over the emotions from the ex.

Personally I identify with the person that can diagnoss the problem but sometimes my heart wins my brain, and I get in these sort of situations. I think the song is sweet the way it is.
good lyrics either way though.
 
This is my suggestion:

origional
It’s time to let you go

change
It's time that I must go

The last of the chorus kinda plays in my head an inner struggle of mixed emotions. And the last of the chorus is pretty much like saying alright I know that this the right thing to do and well f@#$ it.
 
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