Thanks everyone for the feedback so far, I really appreciate it.
rayc said:
1stly the false rhyme of ground & down get to me and then the imagery of down, down, down.
You manage your rhymes quite well & I know accurate rhymes aren't essential but ...
Then the meaning - lovers coming down doesn't really fit my images of the rest of your lyric.
If we are barely off the ground are you saying that former lovers are less so but tiring quickly?
I'm pathetic, I know. I either like things to be obviously obtuse or neatly packaged.
I appreciate the input. Concerning the rhyme scheme - while appreciate your opinion, that's one area I probably won't address too much - I find lyrics that stick to true rhymes for everything to often be a bit trite. I like exploring approximate rhyme, and I also enjoy the challenge of using internal rhymes while keeping coherency in the message or imagery - I didn't use it for this song, but I like to have verses where the first lines rhyme internally. Here's an example from a song I'm working on with this exercise in mind, the first two verses:
v1:
Down in the dark, we rolled away
the last of the winter line
And Carrie you, you spoke a word
And everything disappeared
I waited here for you
oh for your lovely face
I'd trade it all for you
all for your lovely face
v2:
Down in the park, we thrown away
the passed over one arrives
I carried you, through the world
when everyone disappeared (still looking for a replacement for "disappeared")
And so on.
Anyway, back to your comments.
I definitely take to heart your other comments. As writers we have an internal context that doesn't always (or even often) coincide with what the reader takes from our writing. That is, of course, one of the marks of a good song or poem - each reader can internalize what's been written, often in ways entirely different from the writer's intent. For me, this is a song about memory and dreams. I'm 41, and I've been happily married for 20 years. My wife and I married (as you can tell with some basic math) when we were hardly more than kids ourselves. A few months ago I had a dream about a girl I dated in high school (nothing kinky, she was just there in the dream), and it made me start thinking. It's strange, we go through life, we have these intense relationships with people, and we move on. It struck me, to look back on a relationship from over 20 years ago - this person, that I thought the world revolved around, I don't even know them anymore. I know almost nothing about them. Just sort of strange... at the time, we had so many dreams and plans, and yet now, so many years later, they're just another person we knew from long ago.
So this song came from, and rather harkens to, a dreamlike pondering, the fallibility of memory, the bit of sweet nostalgia for the distant past. The lyrics, to my internal context, reflect a dreamy imperfection and memories of intensity faded. The line in the first and last chorus, "Oh the tired way we fly / our feet are barely off the ground" was actually an image from a dream, where I could fly, which was cool, but only just barely, which was frustrating. And the "down down down" line, again in my internal context, was more about channeling memory and dreams - something coming down, not in expiration or ending, but in the sense of coming down into me.
But your critique is very valid precisely because, as the listener, you do not have the same internal context as me, and I can definitely see how the lines might seem inconsistent or contradictory. While I can't say for sure I will change the lyrics there (since I am, vainly, rather fond of them), I am going to think about it a lot and see if I can improve and further universalize the context being projected by the lyrics.
Armistice said:
I'm only listening through headphones at work, so perhaps I'm not hearing all that well, but I echo the "lack of bottom end" comment from rayc. Also hearing lots of rattles on the acoustic in the left ear which sort of bugs me - I know it's fashionable not to play acoustics accurately these days, and buzzes are "ironic" but I'd retrack that..
Agreed. This is still a song with mostly "scratch" versions of the tracks. Since I work in my home studio, I like to take the time to work through various versions of the song. While I don't want the guitar to be "perfect," as to me that gets to sounding sort of sterile, I do plan on re-recording the guitar lines. The rattles bother me, too.
Armistice said:
Unlike your fan on the soundcloud site page, I don't think the harmony against "down, down, down" is anything special - however I think you have the potential to kick the song into another gear with a rethunk of the harmonies here by making the harmony line do something more complex (even go up in pitch...) here... but just my $0.02. Possibly add a third line...
Thank you. This is definitely something I'm going to work on. I agree, the harmony line is probably a bit too pat, and could use some more invention.
Both you and
sharonclowe mention the lack of variety in the instrumentation. I agree, and to me this is the biggest area where the song needs work. Again, with the home studio and unlimited time, it's always a balancing act, isn't it? We have a million sounds to work with, and it can be easy to go over the top and end up with an overproduced behemoth. Dynamic, instrumental, and harmonic variety are important, and in an acoustic song achieving this requires a lot more subtlety and nuance than with a rock tune. This is one area I'm going to be working with a lot for these types of songs.
Wow, I apologize for how long-winded my reply is, but this is exactly what I'm looking for; I think (again, probably vainly) that this has the potential to be a really good song, and I definitely want to do it justice.
Have a good night, everyone.
-Dirk Lind
