let me know what u think

[jimi]

this is a song i wrote when i was feeling i dunno something i dunno if i can explain , anyway the words come out of my heart specially while singing it..please give me feedback ..and could this be lyrics to a song on the radio for example? or not?
thanks enjoy

let me inroduce myself
my name is mr green
id like to tell you that i never felt
the one i wanted to be
its new to me
that never happened before
ill tell ya what i see

i see everything in black and white
not the way i used to be..
i used to see in green red yellow and blue but now im blind to see
please pleaseee, ..help me...
get out of here..

imagine if i could see
the way that you see
then ill be the most special one
and get myself out of here
pleaseee.....please help me
get out of this dream .......

(solo whatever)

i need your love like a bird needs a tree
if i could fly id fly and take you away with me
to the land of the free...
tell me , where could it be .....

thats it for now , thanks

 

[tdukex]

>>this is a song i wrote when i was feeling i dunno something i dunno if i can explain<<

I can sense there's some emotion behind your song. But the song, itself, lacks focus. The theme is not apparent, and the lyrics wander. I don't think you know exactly what you want to say. You state you don't know what you were feeling. Find out. Then rewrite it.

Good luck.

 

[Axis]

I like most of it and i know where your coming from I woke up at 2:00 last night and I just started pouring out lyrics from my heart. I would have to agree somewhat with tdukex the one thing to me that seemed like it could be a problem is your ryhming words with e i think i counted like 13 words ending in a ryhming e with each other.

keep writing

Will
"...I know whats coming to me..."

 

[theron]

who is to say about the lyrical flow and melody with just the words to go by. However, I would stop with the use of "see" and "me". Get in your gut and find a new rhyme. It reads like a 5th grade confession. This is not to say that the lyrics have no potential. They do. Revisit the song and cut out the weak lines. Replace them with more concise and creative ones. Don't call this song done yet!

Theron.