Just a verse Review. Please check it out.

S

SeekingTheTruth

New member
This is just the first verse of a slow-ish song I've been jamming on with my band.
Just a rough draft. Let me know what you think.

I've walked a thousand miles
In the shoes of a faded style

Give it up, and look at me
I'm not who I want to be

And today those clouds will part
And one day you'll have a broken heart

But right now your safe with me
For how long I can't garuntee

(Chorus)

Its basically about someone whos lived through life and is giving advice to someone who's just starting it. They're trying to make sure the younger guy doesn't give up on his dreams because if you do before you know it it'll be too late. And life's not worth living.

I have other verses but still working.

Also if anyone has any ideas to better hammer in the message of the song in the last stanza I would appreciate it.
 
Hey there,

I generally don't like to read lyrics without hearing them sung, because that's only half the story, but hopefully I can get the ball rolling here for you with some responses. Here's my take:

I'm a bit confused by some of the lines. I understand the message you're trying to convey, but some of the lines seem, to me, to be a bit contradictory.

The main one is "And today those clouds will part
And one day you'll have a broken heart."

I don't know ... something about that line seems backwards to be. Like, to me, it would make more sense switched, like ..

"And one day you'll have a broken heart,
But some day those clouds will part." ... or something to that effect.

And the last stanza, I don't understand. I thought he was talking to a young person, but the last stanza sounds to me like a (kind of) self-destructive/depressed person talking to their significant other.

Other than that, I think it has the makings of a nice song. It's certainly an emotion that I think most of us, at least over the age of 35 or so, can relate to. :)
 
Hey thanks for the feedback!

About that third stanza... This whole thing was off the top of my head while playing. So I haven't done any revisions to what is essentially pure improv. I just wanted to post it raw for fun.

I did notice that it was a bit contradictory but your way would also be a bit contradictory to the song. My best way of interpreting the line is that

Today those clouds will part (right now the skies are clear. Life is easy and there are so many choices)

But oneday you'll have a broken heart (if you give up on your dreams you'll end up with nothing and a broken heart.)

I think the first line should be something more like: right Now those clouds will part

Second line: but without that hope you'll have a broken heart

Or something like that.

As for the last stanza. Indeed it Purveys the wrong message. I'm going to have to rewrite that. If you'd stay with me when I post the chorus and new verse I'd greatly appreciate it. Any ideas for last stanza btw?

Thanks for the help!
 
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