Innocence - help please

[DonkeyZone]

Here are some lyrics I wrote a little while ago. I just want to know what you all think, and also if I should keep in, or take out the last verse.

I'm also having a problem putting music to this. I play G, D, Em, C throughout the whole thing, but it gets boring really quick without some changes.

Thanks!
___________________

Innocence

Walk around a small town
see a little girl skipping rope
pig tails in her sun bleached hair
the freckles scattered on her face
remind me of a gentler place
and a smile is all she knows

Oh, you'll find your innocence here
you'll find your innocence here
on this small town road

Two lovers sharing a sundae inside
the ice cream shoppe, fixated on
the perfection of their lives
sipping each other through twisty straws
and chocolate may flavor their malt
but the taste of love is all they know

Oh, you'll find your innocence here
you'll find your innocence here
on this small town road

Walk past the old men playing
backgammon on a bridge table
outside the local store
trading memories like baseball cards
and swapping stories like youthful bards
but the dice are all they rolled

Oh, you'll find your innocence here
you'll find your innocence here
on this small town road
______________________
Possible last verse:

But I'm just a tourist
my dark experience won't allow me to share
walk in my shoes for a while
never had the playful child inside
or a sweetheart to gaze in my eyes
and won't feel the joy of growing old

Oh, you'll lose your innocence here
you'll lose your innocence here

Yeah, you'll lose your innocence here
you'll lose your innocence here
on this small town road

(c) Jeff Mayer 2002

 

[yiordanaki]

Very vivid pictures are forming in my head - very descriptive - i like your style!

I dont care much for that chord progression - so many songs use it or close to it.

But if you must use that, then maybe a change somewhere in the order of..................

Asus2.........................Cmaj7.........D7

(4 beats)....................(2 each here)..



just an idea - theres billions of possibilties.

good luck

y

 

[DonkeyZone]

thanks yiordanaki. I'm trying to find something else right now, but it seems that I have the vocal melody down and I can't find the right chord substitutions yet.

any thoughts on whether to keep the last verse or toss it?

 

[LanaCrowley]

I would make the last verse more a bridge than a verse .. you are closing in on the song being too long ... you can shorten the lines and make it stand out better to close your story ....


But I'm just a tourist
walked in my shoes for a while
never felt playful child inside
or a sweethearts gaze into my eyes (pause)

and won't feel the joy of growing old

something like this ......