If you thought my other lyrics were vague...

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Chris Shaeffer

Chris Shaeffer

Peavey ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, just "finished" the words for a new song- actually the first song I've written:
a) in 3/4 time in about 8 years
b) on a classical guitar in about 5 years

I'm having fun with it. The lyrics, however, are even more vague, potentially, than anything I have yet posted. :rolleyes:

So once again, what the heck am I saying here? What feeling gets across? (Music is fairly laid back, by the way, with some intensity added to the chorus. I'll post a scratch version in the next day or so.)

Thanks! :)
Chris

______________

“Standing Ground“

Eyes are wide open
Thoughts are unspoken
My teacher has nothing to say
The sun and the water,
The moon and her daughter
Have carried my driftwood away

Now I have found
That I’m on solid ground
And I’ll build my house on this rock
But sometimes I feel
There’s so much to heal
That I’m trying to be something I’m not.
But…

(Chorus)
Standing your ground is like dancing with thunder storms
Spider web lightning turns night into day
Singing as song that looks backwards in time
Makes standing your ground feel like running away
It just feels like running away.

Looking around me
At the love that has found me
And I'm not the only one here
There's light in the shadows deep
Under the gallows
That I couldn't see through my fear

And now I have found
That I'm standing my ground
And nothing is harder to do
You'd think it'd be easy
But still it can tease me
To feel like I'm just passing through
But...

(Chorus)
 
Chris,

I'll take my first shot at critiquing a song here on this board. I also am a songwriter, and have a creative writing degree, which doesn't mean anything, except that I have spent many long hours critiquing other people's material in writing workshops, so hopefully I can say something useful.

Clarity of lyrics -- I firmly do not believe that lyrics need to be literal, or have any literal meaning to anyone, even to the author (with a caveat that this is generally not the case if you are writing a song to sell to a pop musician, or writing an anthem, a hymn, or in other formal genres). Music is about emotion, perhaps one of the most direct and nuanced ways that we have to express emotion as human beings. It is a mistake to believe that the "pureness" of this emotional expression as communicated through instrumentation shouldn't also carry over to lyrics. Lyrics should be part of a complete musical package that expresses a consistent artistic vision or moment. Look at many of the lyrics of Michael Stipe, and even Bono (for mainstream examples) as an example.

Metaphor and clichés – Metaphor is a powerful tool in any form of songwriting. However, metaphors that are used by many people, many times, to mean the same thing become something else – clichés. I also think that cliché’s can be a valuable tool, if they are used in a way that fits the genre (i.e., blues is full of lyrical clichés that make the blues the blues), or used creatively or ironically. However, absent these types of uses, clichés deaden lyrics and actually make it more difficult for you clearly express yourself.

Images: Images in songwriting are very important, and are really another type of metaphor. The lyrics I like best are those that take me somewhere, either on a narrative journey, or to a new mental or emotional space. The only way this can happen, lyrically, is if the images used are fresh and solid. This is the foundation of the strength of most of Tom Waits lyrics, for example.

Some of the elements in your lyrics that I would reconsider:

“The sun and the water,
The moon and her daughter
Have carried my driftwood away”

Although this is somewhat clever, it doesn’t take me anywhere. I have heard these kinds of pairings of “sun, water, moon, driftwood” many times. That doesn’t mean they are unusable, it just means if you decide to invoke such universal images, you need to embody them with fresh meaning if they are to be expressive.

“And I’ll build my house on this rock”

This phrase evokes many familiar phrases and lyrics. In this context, it doesn’t say anything new or interesting to me.

“Standing your ground is like dancing with thunder storms
Spider web lightning turns night into day”

I hiccupped on “dancing with thunderstorms” in particular. It has a “peppermint and incense” 60s feel to it that doesn’t seem to jive with the tone of the rest of the song.

I think the song has some strong elements. It is difficult to comment on lyrics in isolation from the music, because they you are simply critiquing lyrics, and not a song. In any case, I hope some of this was useful.

BB
 
I thought it was all pretty cool except the second verse was a little trite. That was one of the few songs posted here I didnt feel embarrassed to read.
 
Hi Chris,
It all depends on what you do with your music....
I mean if you write, play, record for the fun and/or love of it....who cares? Commercial writing is a different story as stated above...
You are a good writer...
Personally, I do think that your song is vague but, I can also associate my own thoughts/experiences with your lyric...
so....there is meaning to your words....and more than likely....others will read their own life experiences/thoughts into it as well....
I will be keeping an eye out for the MP3...
Take it easy man,
Joe
 
The chorus rhyming day, away, away scheme needs some work although the imaging is nice. I got it first time, good. The rhyming is weak in the verses too except daughter and water is new to me; very nice rhyme. Internal rhymes are very effective, but only throw one or two in there per song. Try to avoid the standard rhymes, you, do, etc. Try to end the verses with strong perfect ryhmes if you can to drive the point home before the chorus. This way you have a good memorable "marker" for the start of the chorus. This can increase the power of the chorus. (sometimes)
 
Argh!!

Its 9:45pm where I live and I'm still at work waiting for some virus scans to finish. We got nailed by some "official" virus from China... Fun.

Anywho, I have a little time on my hands to (finally) get back to this thread. The mp3 is done, but I'll have to upload it tomorrow AM when I'm back on my DSL at home.

Wow, barclay! Those are some excellent and insightful comments! Thanks so much for reading and for taking the time to respond.

Tex: Thanks- not embarrassed by it, eh? :) By second verse do you mean the one that starts "Now I have found that I'm on solid ground" or the one that starts "Looking around me at the love that has found me." ?

Joro: You're right- I don't really care about commercial viability, but I am very curious how my metaphors translate. I do have things that I am saying (if only to myself) and I wonder if even a hint of them gets across. Thanks again for your encouragement, Joe. I appreciate it.

SBax: Good advice and thoughts. That's a good perspective to take when reviewing a song and helps me look at it more structurally. Thanks for the read and feedback.

Take care,
Chris

PS- is your antivirus software up to date? (Groan....)
 
Chris...I like the song very much. Your concept has kind of a Celtic feel to it. Almost can hear the Irish flute playing a descant
The imagery is very fine and evocative.
Excellent song
writeon...chazba
 
Thanks, chazba. I was actually thinking about whipping out the midi stuff and seeing what kind of sounds would go well under this tune. I'm not great at performing or programming midi, so I was thinking that it would be a lost cause- not expressive enough.

Maybe I'll dig out the old recorder and see what it has to offer. :D

Take care,
Chris
 
Chris, I agree with those saying that good song lyrics can be impressionistic, but my reaction here is that you engaged in some interesting free association and so far that's all. At this point, it's really too scattered to be evocative. If you're interested in developing this song, I would go back and look at what was underlying your associations, you know, kind of ask the song what it really wants to say, and try to develop more of a theme.


-Larry
 
Hi Larry,

That's the root of my wondering how this song comes across- according to a fairly well developed symbology, this song isn't really free association. Almost all of the images and metaphors are directly related to a belief system that most folks aren't familiar with. Its all native american, for the most part, with a biblical reference thrown in for good measure. :)

(Not that I'm native, by the way- I just like playing with natural imagery and I know a group of native folks who I've learned a lot from.)

My concern is how the images translate to those who aren't familiar with native or natural metaphors. For example:

"The sun and the water"- the process of evaporation that drives the weather system and gives birth to the Thunderbeings- a prominant cleansing force in some native mythology and metaphor, but also very, very tricky and troublesome to work with. They can be very rough, direct, and working from their own agenda. A masculine force.

"The moon and her daughter"- the tides. A gentler, cyclical cleansing force. A feminine force. Also has its own agenda, but typically more inclusive of human needs and more reliable in the long run.

"Carried my driftwood away"- the storms of the thunderbeings and the gentle cleansing of the tides have washed away the crud. Its almost a native version of being reborn, metaphorically.

"Now I have found that I'm on solid ground and I'll build my house on this rock"- so the sand and driftwood are washed away and I've found a rock to build my foundation on. This is the biblical reference- don't rely on shakey, ephemeral things for your well-being.

To me, and the folks I play my songs for much of the time, this all makes sense and is fairly clear. It gives us something to chew on. I also try to chose the words so that other folks will find something in it to- I avoid words that would need to be explained (like Thunderbeings...) and try to use universal imagery.

Its kinda fun, really. Its like writing in layers- trying to make sure the same words can say several different things with equal clarity. Its like a puzzle. I'm actually pretty proud of this one for it Native metaphor content, but I don't think its going translate well at all.

Thanks for the feedback- this is exactly the kind of stuff that I was looking for.

Take care,
Chris
 
Hi Chris...

Musically, ya....a flute or recorder would sound decent with your guitar track....pretty cool melody...I like it.
Take it easy,
Joe
 
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