I Wish You Were Mine

[Irwin abrigo]

I Wish You Were Mine
©2010 Irwin Byron Abrigo

You walk so proud
When you're in a crowd
And out on the streets
You dress so neat
I admire you

You're a single girl
who needs a guy
Not to rule your world
But to hold on tight
To hold on tight for protection

(Chorus)
I wish you were mine
(I wish you were mine)
I wish you were my girl
I wish you were mine
(I wish you were mine)
I wish one day to be your guy

(2nd Verse)
I've often heard
The whispering voices
Of passers by
When they made their choices
Say you're so beautiful

And it would hurt me so bad
To know the life you had
There were guys who'd wanted
To treat you badly
So bad they wanted to make you cry

(Chorus)
I wish you were mine
(I wish you were mine)
I wish you were my girl
I wish you were mine
(I wish you were mine)
I wish one day to be your guy

If you came to me on a Monday
And you stayed through
until Saturday
We'll go to the club
and we'll have fun
And if on Sunday we're still
together
I'm sure you will
discover
that we can be
forever......

In love forever more
Its not possible
until you say
That you'll be mine

(Repeat Chorus)
_________________________
http://www.soundclic...m?bandID=495672

 

[grimtraveller]

Iz Wh'appen ?

 

[rayc]

The 2nd section would get a whole pile of semi, even, vaguely, feminist people off side.
It reads as "not to own the woman but to provide protection for her, something upon which she may cling, demonstrating her inability to survive without alpha male."
UNLESS it's the narrator who'll do the clinging...
Neat - is that as in tidy or as in 60s/70s cool? It makes a diference in the narrative.
Also are you offering Monday to Saturday without fun? Is that a course of attrition, an emotional/physical gauntlet to run for a working week??
You use proud in a phrase as an adverb but not in adverbial form which is probably OK.
You haven't demonstrates how you know she needs a guy. Have you stalked until you knew?
I've been watchin' you,
As you pass on by.
I see your outter strength
And I wonder why?
But you walk alone,
Stepped down from your thrown.
I watch the heads as they turn,
Feel my desire burn...
That gives added info about having watched & considered, of a haughty shell.
Still grossly sexist & patronising but that's the essence of the cave man meets cave girl as she walks passed the fire carrying her own salad greens in search of the bbq'd dead animal.
This section needs a little clarification - just a tweak or two:
And it would hurt me so badly
To know in the life you had
There were guys who wanted
To treat you badly
Who wanted to feel you cry
I'm just being a pedant & nit picking rat BUT you do need to consider a) the internal narrative, b) the sound of the words, c) the flow & d) how your audience will respond.
You've some good ideas - but maybe a couple or three too many for the story line.