I scrawled this out last night - almost Stream of Consciousness

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rayc

rayc

retroreprobate
As it says - this dribbled out of my fingertips last night. Stream of Consciousness - but a slightly sick subconsciousness if that's the case.
Upon rereading I've noted there's a bit of a "Life During Wartime" feel to the verses in this one.
The story develops & becomes pretty much in your face apparent by the third verse but does the 4th drive the narrative too far into obvious?
Any other thoughts/ideas/criticisms/morality tales are welcome.

Watch

I have a job 4
I have a motor car 5
I have a passport 5
But don’t go too far 5
I have field glasses 5
An accurate map 5
All within reach 4
There’s no handicap 5

I keep a close watch on the words you say 10
I keep a close watch on the interplay 10
I keep a close watch on the things you do 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

I have a life 4
And acquaintances 5
I have a good home 5
Secure finances 5
I‘ve obligations 5
And a sense of place 5
Two obsessions 4
And a travel case. 5

I keep a close watch as the pattern grow 10
I keep a close watch on the tracks in snow 10
I keep a close watch on anything new 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

Some recordings 4
And a 3 month log 5
I have night goggles 5
I see through the fog 5
I have a timeline 5
And an outcome planned 5
Some documents 4
And I’ll get those scanned. 5

I keep a close watch on your DNA 10
I keep a close watch on the games you play 10
I keep a close watch but don’t misconstrue 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

I have neighbours 4
And a plain blue van 5
I have collections 5
And a tested plan 5
I have field glasses 5
And a special place 5
All within reach 4
And a “just in case” 5

I keep a close watch on you night & day 10
I keep a close watch on your resume 10
I keep a close watch and the points accrue 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

I keep a close watch on the words you say 10
I keep a close watch on the interplay 10
I keep a close watch on the things you do 10
I keep a close watch on you 7
 
Good stuff, Ray! As I was reading through the chorus sections, "I keep a close watch...", I could imagine hearing Tom Petty singing the lines in a mid-tempo driver, reminiscent of his early work. Do you have music for the song in the works?

Cheers,
Joseph
 
I'm torn about the repeated part in the chorus. I worry that the repetition may fatigue the listener. Also Johnny Cash had a big smash with I Keep a Close Watch on This Heart of Mine so I have preconceived melody in my head... On the positive side, the choice of words, rhymes, story is easy to read but not juvenile. The meter lends itself is tight - an almost built in melody.
 
I like it alot. I skipped the intro text and jumped right into the lyrics (the reason I say this will be apparent :-). There's an great ominous vibe underneath the matter of factness. I started thinking of David Byrne and his approach to song-writing. Then I read your intro text :-)
 
Hi

I enjoyed a fair amount of the content you have written into this piece and I'm certainly interested in hearing how this is going to come across in a melodic sense. I like the idea in respect of the format you've worked with, structure wise, but until it's actually sounding in my ears it's difficult to give an informed opinion, as I've looked a pile of words on a number of occasions and then been totally knocked sideways by the delivery.

I don't think personally I'd have enough confidence at this early stage of my recording to attempt a piece which is structured in this way. I have a reasonable amount of musical knowledge, but the leap to recording is very new to me, so I'll be keeping the lyrical side of things a little easier until I get a little more confident at twisting the dials ;-)

I enjoyed reading

Regards

Tim
 
Hello Folks,
Ido - it's a John Cale song actually - I LOVE it & understand what you mean about preconcieved melody making it tough. The nagging I Keep A Close Watch is worth my reconsidering so will do ta.
Joseph - Thnaks mate. I may have the music. It's a case of two pieces of music and 1/2 a doz sets of lyrics & JoeyM has to select the lyrics he can work with. I'll throw you a link to the music I THINK will be used.
Chuckduffy - thanks mate - After I'd read the 1st verse I knew it was a bit like Mr Psychchicken m'self. thanks mate.
Phrasemaker - you're very kind. I'm inclined to be wordy - it's my conversational language as well as my written so naturally flavours my song writing. Can't do melody though. As you enjoyed SOME would you mind alerting me to the things that could be worked on? Ido made a good suggestion for a rethink & if I'm going to cogitate a little I'd like to have more to chew on.
 
Last edited:
"I'm going to cogitate a little I'd like to have more to chew on." Cogitate, now that's a damn fine word........... It was the the "I keep a close watch repetition" that was the content I was less keen on, but having said that, once again it's one thing to see it all stacked up on paper but another to hear it sung.
I can also be very wordy, but tend to be a little more reserved until I get to know folks a bit better.

I'm definitely looking forward to see see where you go with this.

All the best

Tim
 
icystorm said:
I could imagine hearing Tom Petty singing the lines in a mid-tempo driver, reminiscent of his early work.
Click to expand...

I was seriously kinda picturing Marilyn Manson personally! Like hard rock :D
 
Having chewed the cudd and cogitated the upon the commentary I've some ideas for Alternate choruses!!!
Let me know if this goes far enough. I'll probably let the vocalist/melodicist decide on which version to work with as their part is sooo much harder than bushwhacking words, corralling contex & smithing syntax.
Oh, I used eye twice - does it clang?

Watch

I have a job 4
I have a motor car 5
I have a passport 5
But don’t go too far 5
I have field glasses 5
An accurate map 5
All within reach 4
There’s no handicap 5

I keep a close ear on the words you say 10
I keep in close touch with the interplay 10
I keep a close eye on the things you do 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

I have a life 4
And acquaintances 5
I have a good home 5
Secure finances 5
I‘ve obligations 5
And a sense of place 5
Two obsessions 4
And a travel case. 5

I keep a close eye as the patterns grow 10
I keep a close check on the tracks in snow 10
I keep a close note of anything new 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

Some recordings 4
And a 3 month log 5
I have night goggles 5
I see through the fog 5
I have a timeline 5
And an outcome planned 5
Some documents 4
And I’ll get those scanned. 5

I keep a close mark on your DNA 10
I keep close heed upon the games you play 10
I keep a close scan but don’t misconstrue 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

I have neighbours 4
And a plain blue van 5
I have collections 5
And a tested plan 5
I have field glasses 5
And a special place 5
All within reach 4
And a “just in case” 5

I keep a close view of you night & day 10
I keep oversight of your resume 10
I keep a close stock and the points accrue 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

I keep a close ear on the words you say 10
I keep in close touch with the interplay 10
I keep a close eye on the things you do 10
I keep a close watch on you 7
 
I've mulled over the suggestion and changes.
I have to own up that I still prefer the original chorus. I know it's repetitive, that it echoes a great song by John Cale & that it nags BUT I thin it works with the narrative, reinforces the obsessive undercurrent etc.
I will leave the final call to the singer though - he may not even select this set of words!
thanks for the input folks.
 
Interesting lyrics. The vibe I got was more Big Brother Is Watching You than wartime.
Nice to see I'm not alone in meticulously counting syllables, and getting them all lined up across verses. Although, it is possible to drop a syllable or add a syllable, and then vary where that line starts in relation to the first beat of that bar. Leading/Lagging to build or dissipate tension. But I'm pretty sure you already know all this.
I'm also a fan of the evolving chorus. You could combine both chorus versions you have. Start off with the more varied, then evolve to the more repetitious at the end.

Amanda
 
Commanda Amanda,
NOW, that's an excellent compromise: build towards the paranoia - I'll give it a whirl.
Life During Wartime is a similar feel/structure I think. Clipped terse phrases "THis ain't no party. This ain't no disco. This ain't no fooling around..." etc. Talking Heads did that nervous/paranoid thing really well before Stop Making Sense.
My lyric is more hobbyist sociopath.
I have to plan the syllabification etc as I has no melodic sense & need to block things to make rhthmic sense of it all.
A Sydneysider I note - where abouts? I'm just south of Greater Sydney in the Northern part of the Illawarra.
 
I prefer the first chorus too...the second is okay in it's own right...but personal preference and it nails the ideas better...
 
Sounds pretty catchy, and it has a good feel too it.

Some of it reminded me of the Government. :D
 
Following Commanda's suggestion I tweaked things. Now, this is a compromise and they often fall flat BUT then again a committee came up with the camel & that's a marvellous thing in the right environment. Perhaps this will be as well.
Final thoughts????

Watch

I have a job 4
I have a motor car 5
I have a passport 5
But don’t go too far 5
I have field glasses 5
An accurate map 5
All within reach 4
There’s no handicap 5

I keep a close ear on the words you say 10
I keep in close touch with the interplay 10
I keep a close eye on the things you do 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

I have a life 4
And acquaintances 5
I have a good home 5
Secure finances 5
I‘ve obligations 5
And a sense of place 5
Two obsessions 4
And a travel case. 5

I keep a close look as the patterns grow 10
I keep a close check on the tracks in snow 10
I keep a close note of anything new 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

Some recordings 4
And a 3 month log 5
I have night goggles 5
I see through the fog 5
I have a timeline 5
And an outcome planned 5
Some documents 4
And I’ll get those scanned. 5

I keep a close mark on your DNA 10
I keep close heed upon the games you play 10
I keep a close scan but don’t misconstrue 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

I have neighbours 4
And a plain blue van 5
I have collections 5
And a tested plan 5
I have field glasses 5
And a special place 5
All within reach 4
And a “just in case” 5

I keep a close watch on you night & day 10
I keep a close watch on your resume 10
I keep a close watch as the points accrue 10
I keep a close watch on you 7

I keep a close watch on the words you say 10
I keep a close watch on the interplay 10
I keep a close watch on the things you do 10
I keep a close watch on you 7
 
Hi RayC, I've been keeping an eye on this thread in the anticipation of hearing the song to get a better grasp of how the lyrics work in the context of an actual take. Is there an actual performance if one follows the various links? I've tried looking a couple of times and have listened to various tracks which incidentally I personally found a pleasant jaunt, as well as enjoying the videos. I've already commented in respect of the earlier posting of the lyrics, and I've read the latest draft a few times and find I'm wanting to hear at least a verse and chorus sung to get a feel of how it jogs along. I appreciate this all takes time, I had planned to follow my first track with another in good time, but find I'm learning as I go and what seemed a good idea at the time can often become less so after a brief spell of reflection :-). Thanks again for your input when I posted my first attempt, I have another set of lyrics in hand which I'll post in due course and would appreciate your insight. I'll keep checking this thread and look forward to hearing a performance of your song.

regards

Tim
 
Tim, the backing is almost done. Drums and vocals are on the soon list. It's a collaboration so I can't put the squeeze on the other folk as I know they'll get 'round to it when they can & that when they do their parts will, as always, be great.
Here's a link to the backing todate - it'll give you some idea:

There're some simple percussion markers to step into each change for the collab folks as well as a silly sounding guitar playing to mark the chorus.
BUT it's almost there.
 
Sorry I've been away; moving house.

Really like the evolving chorus, and looking forward to hearing it recorded.

I have to plan the syllabification etc as I has no melodic sense & need to block things to make rhythmic sense of it all.
Click to expand...

Ditto.

Amanda
 
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