i never thought i would do this, but...heres some lyrics to critique

WEBCYAN

WEBCYAN

New member
hehe... usually i think posting lyrics on a bbs is a little odd, but I guess Im crossing over. anyway, here they are. comments appreciated.


Verse 1
------------
You're rounding to your genesis,
Leaving past behind.
Cultivate your second coming.
Contrive at present latent eyes.

Pre Chorus
------------
This groundwork for your plan,
Is all that's lain,
All in vain,
All for anything new to gain.

Chorus
------------
This is,
The need for pointless evolution.
Put off,
Far too long.

Verse 2
------------
Metastasis as a screen,
To orthodox sobrieties.
Crux in coma, now a relic,
To kill off symbiotic themes.

==========================================

Verse 1
------------
Prince of the air let down,
Jacob's ladder here.
Reap one, reap them well.
Inject, Instill the fear.

Verse 2
------------
Open their vapid eyes,
To witness how severe,
This veil has been to them.
We need to interfere.

This will get severe.
If we don't interfere.
This will be severe.
Gotta interfere...

==========================================

Verse 1
------------
My left brain's atrophied,
But the right is thriving away.
Most accept majority.
A crutch, a guide, a slave.

Who cares what you think,
When what you think is what they want.
Cut off this cult bringing you up.
Time to test it alone.

==========================================

this isnt a song of mine. just somthing i wrote out of frusteration from living with my roommate.
Some background info on him. He's been in jail 10 of his 30 years. Twice for attempted murder, and twice for selling drugs. He has 4 kids, 1 on the way...all by a total of 3 different women(read prostitutes), he sleeps 20 hours a day(seriously), drinks, smokes pot, and lays in bed while awake. Sometimes he'll watch BET or play video games. The gov't pays for his kids(he doesnt pay child support), for him going to school(he has yet to go to even ONE class this semester), and he gets $900 a month just because. He's a member of the black panthers, also a member of some chicago gang. He whines all the time about social injustice but he is THE cause of everything fucked up in the world. He also listens to rap 24/7(litteraly(sp?). he has it on while he sleeps).
anyway...a poem:

--------------------------

So sick and drawn out tired,
of assault by pop and rap.
Programed beats and coated loops,
Topped off with scratching crap.

Atonal vox and accents on fourths,
And serve it to the teens.
Packaged up with ghettoness,
Playa, OG, bling bling.

Whine and bitch of social opression,
Rap's just regression,
Get it through your head.
In 10 years time...rap will be dead.
 
What kinda of music is this? Since the last song I heard this morning before getting to my desk is "down with the sickness" from Disturbed, Im partial to some really heavy guitars and some serious thump. Im pretty sure if I had an accordian I wouldn't have the same vibe. I could also hear some kinda Kid-Rock thing going on....no lack of negativity in the themes though.

Peace,
Dennis
 
kid rock?? my god, shoot me now.
the last thing is just a dumb little poem, NOT lyrics to any song.

The first one is about a friend of mine. She's been raised in a traditional christian family and she's recently just been trying to break out of that mold by just reinventing herself basically.

The 2nd is full of metaphors. The meaning isn't really evident on the surface. Lets just say the theme has to do with certain esoteric studies. You can guess about it... :)

The 3rd is a bit hazy. Its kind of about the fact that lately I have felt really disconnected from the world and the traditions of society. Im really just sick of the way people wait for others to tell them how to think.


All of these aren't IN any songs yet. Once I find the right song(of which I am still writing many) to fit it I will have to change some things around for clearer phrasing and meter. These are just outlines.
 
Metastasis as a screen,
To orthodox sobrieties.
Crux in coma, now a relic,
To kill off symbiotic themes
Click to expand...

That's all good and well, but where are the "yeah-yeah-yeaaahh", "C'mon, c'mon" and "Put your hands in the air"?? You can't write a song without those...







:D :D :D
 
ill make up for it in the video.
its gonna be off the hook.

im gonna be riding in a low rider through the "hood" with bitches in the back throwing money out. And Im gonna be smoking pot and drinking too. And my teeth are gonna be all cool and metallic. And then theres gonna be this scene where Im in a big mirrored room with strobe lights and a fish-eye lens on the camera.
its gonna be bumpin. watch for it yo.
 
WEBCYAN said:
kid rock?? my god, shoot me now.
Click to expand...

If you insist :0) Bang!

Im not a kid rock fan myself, I hope you weren't offended by my trying to be helpful. My inflences will always affect how I percieve lyrics and how I imagine them being phrased. The first one definitely gives me a heavy vibe. The second one gives me that Dream Theater (theatre for you eruo's) vibe. And lastly the third one give me an Executioners vibe. If you mentioned cars, pick-ups and a dog, I would have said Garth Brooks. If you would have mentioned beaches, make-up or boys, I would have asked for that Brittany thang...
Otherwise, the lyrics are fine. They provoke thoughts and emotions..just like music is supposed to...

Peace,
Dennis
 
thats what sucks about posting lyrics. you can't add inflection, meter, tempo, rhythm, phrasing, tone, pitch, melodic progression, pauses, etc, etc, etc..... :) really makes the whole thing pointless.


btw, anyone else watch that show "The Osbournes"? THE funniest show ever made. You know how most families are way too normal compared to "sitcom families". well, they exceed that. I wics i had that life, that house, etc....
 
WEBCYAN said:
thats what sucks about posting lyrics. you can't add inflection, meter, tempo, rhythm, phrasing, tone, pitch, melodic progression, pauses, etc, etc, etc..... :) really makes the whole thing pointless.
Click to expand...

Im gonna disagree. My new opinion is that it allows each individual to read and experience the lyrics free from other peoples genre preconceptions. Words are much wider than music in the sense of audiences.

Peace,
Dennis
 
when I read lyrics without the accompanying music they usually come off as pretty cheesy...for lack of a better term. Lyrics are only one part of the puzzle and when combined with music they actually start to make some sort of sense. I usually try not to read lyrics when I'm on this board because more often than not they tend to embarrass me. Those who tend to take their lyrics so seriously usually become an embarrassing parody of their latest "favorite" band.
 
Scriabin said:
when I read lyrics without the accompanying music they usually come off as pretty cheesy...for lack of a better term. Lyrics are only one part of the puzzle and when combined with music they actually start to make some sort of sense. I usually try not to read lyrics when I'm on this board because more often than not they tend to embarrass me. Those who tend to take their lyrics so seriously usually become an embarrassing parody of their latest "favorite" band.
Click to expand...

i totally agree. thats why i've never posted lyrics before. im starting to think noone should till they are actually in a song. even the best songwriter in the world's lyrics will come off a little cheesy if you read them for the first time without hearing the actual song.
 
uuuhh did someone say cheesy! If you think they are cheesy its because of your imagination limitations. Im not trying to insult anyone, but if your writing lyrics and there is no specific tune, you need to invent it for yourself, have some vision for pete sake. Wierd Al rules the Universe!



Peace,
Dennis
 
I disagree. I don't see any imagination limitations. I think in the right artist's hand Lyrics alone can be great (ie. Bob Dylan, Roger Waters ect) but on the whole most lyrics can be pretty cheesy to read alone. Ever try "talking" lyrics instead of singing them? Nacho Cheesier indeed.
 
talking the lyrics...
that reminds me of an old clip of the steve allen show i saw a couple of weeks ago. he talked the lyrics of "i can't get no satisfaction" and "bee bop a lula". It was funny as hell
 
no sir, I didn't like them.

Specifically, I didn't like the first set-- it felt forced, as though you were looking through a thesaurus while writing. The end result is that they sound like they were written by a pretentious little fuck. Are you a pretentious little fuck?
The words get caught up in trying to sound deep, but end up sounding shallow. You are cutting your legs out from under yourself. What are you _really_ trying to say? Are you saying anything at all?
To kind of touch on what was said earlier-- I don't think great lyricists (Lou Reed, Steve Kilbey, and Andy Partridge) are great because of the size of the words. They're great because they can COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY, which is much harder than ensuring "metastasis" was included . Check out any of those three I mentioned above- all are HUGE lyricists.


Good luck


Nate
 
Originally posted by Nate
no sir, I didn't like them.

why did you try to dig this post up from the past then? Just to make a point??

Specifically, I didn't like the first set-- it felt forced, as though you were looking through a thesaurus while writing. The end result is that they sound like they were written by a pretentious little fuck. Are you a pretentious little fuck?

Yes, I am. The way you phrased the question makes it obvious you already know what my answer will be.

The words get caught up in trying to sound deep, but end up sounding shallow. You are cutting your legs out from under yourself. What are you _really_ trying to say? Are you saying anything at all?

Yes I am. Considering this was my first attempt at ever writing lyrics I wouldn't expect to be dead on perfect the first time. I guess you just have really fucking high standards for stuff like this.

To kind of touch on what was said earlier-- I don't think great lyricists (Lou Reed, Steve Kilbey, and Andy Partridge) are great because of the size of the words. They're great because they can COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY, which is much harder than ensuring "metastasis" was included . Check out any of those three I mentioned above- all are HUGE lyricists.

Communicate effectively to YOU. I did a search on some of their songs and looked up the lyrics and they did NOTHING for me. Beleive it or not, I'm not you. Nor is anyone else. Not everyone thinks that YOUR favorite lyricist is so damn cool.


Good luck

Fuck off.


Nate

Sean
 
...sigh...

Well, yes-- I do believe you are a pretentious fuck. In fact, I am sure of it.

You also missed my point. I am not surprised. Read it again and think about it, instead of having a hissy fit when someone gives criticism.

Did I dredge this up? Yes. Why? Because nearly every time I come to this page, I read about how you are going to take music further than anyone else has ever gone.
This apparently includes: posting sing alongs, explaining that your guitar sounds "just like" a bass or Les Paul, or your voice is EXACTLY like APC-guy. Ooooohhhh...are you anti-Christian? Is that a pentagram? Goddamn-- you are cutting edge...if this was 1968. Yet ironically, you complain that only new music is worthwhile.

Then you rant about how easy certain types of music are, and your proof consists of you fucking around with a drum machine and whining into a mic. Guess what, bitch? YOU MISSED THE FUCKING POINT. When you are asked to back up how great you are, you explain that you can't do it in 5 minutes (along with various disclaimers), but when you come back with your Huge Artistic Statement That Will Revolutionize Music you'll laugh at us all. Who cares? I have encountered only one other musician who has made the same moronic complaints as you-- and he couldn't play either. And stop it with your massive hard-on for Tool, APC and Orgy.

Can you post something useful? Can you post a piece of your Super Double Secret Statement? I doubt it, but please be sure to post when your album is available. I would love to hear it. Will it be available this Fall?

Fuck you very much.

Nate
 
This is the chorus?

"This is,
The need for pointless evolution.
Put off,
Far too long. "

This is not a chorus. Needs some re-writing. No rhyme at all? The music better be outstanding to prop this up. I read it twice and still don't get what you are saying in the whole song. Most times you don't even get a second chance.
 
yes it is the chorus. yes it does sound good.

let me ask you if THIS is a chorus:

yeaah eah eah yeah. yeah eah yeah yeah yeeeah yeeeeeah! yeaah eah eah yeah. yeah eah yeaaahhh yeeeah yeeeeeeeah yeeeeeeeeeeah! yeah!

is it? that's the "chorus" to Nirvana's "Lithium", a very good song. Your notion that a chorus must rhyme is pretty ridiculous.
 
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