I need some help with a new song

[cwr89]

.:verse 1:.
My sanity is gone at the end of the day,
Leave my life in disarray,
The voices in my head,
They’re all filled with dread,

.:Bridge:.
Cannot keep it up much longer,
But I have to be stronger,
Because…

.:Chorus:.
When it’s all done,
An the time is all gone,
I will have won,
Your feeling withdrawn

.:Verse 2:.

?????


that is what I have so far.
the background:
It is about a teacher that I just had, and how my class always made her mad until she would just go off on us.

feel free to ripp them apart.

~Casey

 

[joro]

ok..I suck at lyrics but here ya go...
grain of salt.......OK?


it needs a strong hook man...
it needs to use words that you would use in a normal every day conversation...disarray don't fit..
neither does dread unless you are talkin' about a Stallone movie
It also needs to tell the story better so that you communicate the story to the listener...ya know?


grain of salt...
V1
day by day
We go to pay our dues
in a classroom society
that's givin' me the blues

V2
she flips out on the crew
and we don't know what to do
when she's had enough of our...
anti- you know who...

Chorus
When it’s all said and done,
An our day has past on by
we will all have done our best
to make each other sweat

It's us against them..
you know it's always been
The classic old tale
of the young against the machine..

and it will always be...
a case of teenage lucidity
(I know..I know...lucidity...who the fuck says lucidity... )

anyways...there ya go man...
another shitty lyric critique from joro...

 

[cwr89]

hahah thanks