I need lyric reviewers please.

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sethjewell

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This is a formal apology,
And I love you.
Written in cliche.
This is a farewell,
And good bye.
Written in a day.

You've wasted your time,
And so I'll keep wasting these lines.
Our love in your closet,
Your love on my floor.

We never drew the line,
And now we're crashing.
Like his car in your driveway,
Like his car in your driveway.
And now we're dashing,
From the starting line.
To the very end.(on your bedroom floor)

If I was a chance,
Then you we're a one night romance.
So turn me up,
And I'll turn you on.
We'll never feel the same,
With our clothes on.





I know it's not the best, But I would appreciate helpful suggestions.
 
Well, there's no real structure here, can't tell a verse from a chorus.

Rhyming schemes are not coherent. In the first group/verse/stanza you rhyme lines 3 and 6 then in the next, you rhyme lines 1 and 2. Plus in the first verse, you have 6 lines and the second you have only 4. Hmm, then the 3rd has 7 lines and the last is back to 6, but it doesn't match the same prosody as the first.

As for content, I guess your song is directed at soley one person and he/she understands the meaning. But to anyone else listening, there's not much of a story here. Nothing that explains what's going on. No start, no finish. Okay, well, there is a start; the first line says it's a formal apology, but then at the end of the song, there's a proposition.

You're asking for suggestions, so what to do? First, figure out what you want to say. Take the song from beginning to end. Make it a complete 3 minute story.

Then write to a melody. In most songs, the verses will have one melody and the chorus will have another. You may or may not have a bridge. You can throw variations in there to keep the listeners attention.

The first verse sets the tone of the song and introduces the story (your does that), the 2nd verse expands on it. The chorus echos the common sentiment of the song. A bridge can throw in a twist in the plot or a revelation. 3rd verse closes it out. Yours kind of doesn't do that.

Anyways, that's what I thought when i read your lyrics and you asked for suggestions. Keep writing everyday. Songwriting is like any other skill, you've got to practice a lot to be good at it.

peace,
 
Like Chili said, it's difficult to get a handle on the structure of this and therefore to see how it would fit within a musical framework. Nevertheless, it probably could be done.

I also agree about the rhyming ( or lack of it). While I don't suggest that rhyming is essential, it does help with flow, continuity, and giving a sense of integration about the piece. There are in fact rhymes in there, and given a sympathetic musical treatment, these could be sufficient.

I differ from Chili in that I don't necessarily see the lyrics as having to tell a story. I'm happy with ambiguity, suggestion and fleeting glimpses of images. I like lyrics that puzzle me and allow me to conjure up my own scenario.
 
Im gonna take a stab at the meaning, because I feel there is one in these lyrics, and that it is not just directed at one person.

From what I get, its about a short lived love, more about sex than anything. Obviously theres two people involved, one wanting it to be about more than a physical relationship (our love in your closet, where the clothes are, your love on my floor, where the 'love' took place... if i am close to understanding this, id say changing floor to bed may help make it clearer.)

Hell, I may be way off, but I can see how these lyrics could work towards that meaning with a little tweaking
 
Perhaps try again?

sethjewell said:
This is a formal apology,
And I love you.
Written in cliche.
This is a farewell,
And good bye.
Written in a day.
The first verse is OK. It sets us up for something. It creates an air of suspicion and mystery.

You've wasted your time,
And so I'll keep wasting these lines.
Our love in your closet,
Your love on my floor.
We never drew the line,
And now we're crashing.
Like his car in your driveway,
And this image is fantastic.

Like his car in your driveway.
And now we're dashing,
From the starting line.
To the very end.(on your bedroom floor)

If I was a chance,
Then you we're a one night romance.
So turn me up,
And I'll turn you on.
We'll never feel the same,
With our clothes on.
Click to expand...



The remainder of the song fails to live up to the expectation set up so nicely in the first verse. I think you have a couple of good blocks to build with here and would like to see a couple of rewrite options. That's just me though. Music is sometimes popular. At other times it is very personal and only needs to please a single person. $.02 given. Good luck, Dave.
 
As posters have said, song writing is a skill. Music and poetry have structure. I think if one wants to be a songwriter, it's useful to study the structure of both music and poetry. Read lots of classic and comtemporary poetry. I'm sure there are many books on the subject of song writing as well. It's common today for people to think, well, you just do it. You know, the art just "flows' out of you (if you are "talented.") However, behind sucessful art, no matter what form that art takes, there is usually a staggering amount of research, real knowledge, experience, and most of all, practice.
 
Thank you everyone. I'm new to songwriting. It's hard to learn how to channel my emotions, and put them in a form which people can enjoy. And yes, you are right as to the story. I was seeing a girl, that had a boyfriend. And our relationship consisted of sex, and only sex. I wanted something serious, and she just wanted sex(I know, How weird and amazing. A girl that only wants sex).
 
Okay, Heres some more lyrics. Nowhere near finished. I would just like to know if I'm getting the hang of this.

From your first glance I knew something wasn't right,
I see it in your eyes.(See it in your eyes)
I'm drowning in denial,
Nothings wrong, Nothings wrong.
And as you sing me more lies,
I'm still sitting here,
Waiting to die.

You said it would all be alright,
And then you left me for flies.
If emotion, is what you craved.
Then why did you cave?(In on me)
 
Now you have the story...

...and that's the most important part. Next start reworking each line until there are no wasted words whatsoever. Each word has to be there for a reason in a song. There isn't enough time to write an epic so every word has to chip in. Then try to work with your meter, though that is less important depending on your musical treatment. Many people like to try syllable counts and place the same numbers of syllables in corresponding lines. It's certainly not a hard and fast rule but it is a good place to start. Then if you can work in a rhyme or two.....Presto! It's a song. Hope this helps. I know that many people around here pimp this book. I have it and thought it was a useful tool, but it is only a tool. There are folks who think highly of a rhyming dictionary though I'm not one of them....again....it's just a tool. Best of luck, Dave.

WARNING This stuff gets addicting.:D
 
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