I cant decide

The song structure and instrumentation are excellent.
I like your vocal melody line especially during the prechorus\chorus section.

real nice solo break (slide\lap steel?)

Not crazy about the lyrics but hey..I am no Elvis Costello so...take it for what it's worth..

The first transition from Chorus back to Verse - I think if you would have hung maybe another bar or two..before coming back into the verse it would have worked a bit better...at that point in the song it seems rushed.

Though I have to say as a whole - the song moves along nicely and builds with some good layered parts.

I like it and think it's plenty worthy of a re-record with some REAL DRUMS ;) !

peace
 
I think I would try to do a better job of singing it ( I know it was recorded quickly), and rethink the line "you're greedy", not the words, just the way you sang it... it was pitchy and made the hair on the back of my neck stand up! If that was what you were going for, good job! It's got potential... I am not to crazy about the lyrics either, and I couldn't get a good feel for the overall mix because the the 48k stream, but it's not bad at all...
 
Thanks for that, I need some real unbiased opinions to get my ass in to gear.
I am not crazy about the lyrics either, they were kind of thrown together so that I could get some kind of vocal track to work with. Im too lazy to write lyrics and avoid it as much as possible which is a shame because what good is a song without lyrics.I need to really start concentrating on writing lyrics more often. The electric guitar parts and the bass were done by a friend of mine over the net. The drums are arranged on "reason" and were mixed louder on purpose but of course I would prefer real drums if I could find a "real" drummer.
Im gonna rework the lyrics and play around with your suggestions and see if I can come up with an improved version which I will be happier with.

Rokket - Im not sure what I was going for when I made the hairs on your neck stand up.
Maybe just something that sticks out to make people remember the song. Who knows? :)
 
Wez - there are some nice bits to it, I think there's the basis for a song, basically the melody. It's got a very US teenager feel to it, kind of late 70's somehow, could be the theme song for a comedy series. Good feel.

The opening guitar chords are not too exciting, there are pitch and intonation issues in quite a few places but as you are going to redo it that doesn't matter.

Keep it up :)

Garry
 
Wez said:
Rokket - Im not sure what I was going for when I made the hairs on your neck stand up.
Maybe just something that sticks out to make people remember the song. Who knows? :)
Click to expand...

It wasn't a bad idea, just bad execution, I think. I'd leave that note in there, just be careful to sing it in key!

It wasn't a bad thing that it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I just wasn't expecting that note, so really, it was a good thing, you just need to be careful when you redo it!
 
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