How does this sound?

  • Thread starter Thread starter TheMusic
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TheMusic

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Hey all,

I just wrote this tonight, in about half an hour, out of frustration of my present situation. It's not polished or anything, and I have no real experience writing songs, but tell me what you think:

Mine Again

I’m so tired this day
Tired beyond my means
I try to get you
And it almost works, it seems

I knew in my heart
The agonies I would face from the very start
But now feeling them for the millionth time
I can’t hold on, it’s just too steep a climb

The pain has resided
The melancholy blue
Presiding in my dark thoughts
Drowning in you

Prisoner of a doubt
It seems I will never be without
I will linger here forever
Slave of this eternal tether

Never knowing, never showing
My feelings for you, your feelings for me
And you cannot hear my desperate plea
Echoing as you are going

Far away from where I lay
Broken and helpless, to where I dare not stray
I wonder if you are aware
That what you do to me
Is a burden I can no longer bear

All I ask is to know your heart
The question I should have asked from the very start
All I need to know
The answer to end this sorrow

Break my heart if you must
Shatter my dreams if you need be
For when I gave you my heart to entrust
I never expected you to turn around and flee

Bearing with you my love
My soul, like the wandering dove
Leaving this empty hole



The wounds will heal in time
And though I cannot imagine it now
I will be made whole again, someday, somehow
So it is for you that I write this rhyme

And it is for you that I cry these tears
You were never really there to allay these fears
And as I wonder what could have been
I see my heart within

Broken as it may be
I thank you for giving it back to me
It is mine again
Free to heal and mourn

And though we will never see
What could have been…you and me
I feel free to wave goodbye
On our divergent destinies…

Tell me what you all think!
 
Excellent. If you compare it to Christ has nothing to do with Christmas, then you win hands down.
I've noticed recently that rhyming is big in lyrics at the moment, there was a time, or was it a genre, where it wasn't all that neccessary, have you ever written anything in that way?
 
Re:

Nope...that was pretty much the first thing I ever wrote :) It just seems natural to rhyme...I don't know what i would do without it.
 
If that was the first thing you ever wrote then I definately think you should write more, and soon. Keep in practice. For a first try, it's excellent.
 
TheMusic said:
It just seems natural to rhyme...I don't know what i would do without it.
Click to expand...

Damn, thats a quote and a half! All you die hard ageing poets out there, i see better to let go then to dare, and to lose your winning role, foiled by one man only (or a lady, we cannot tell) "It is time!" they shout "let us give up our stand. Make way for TheMusic. Let him make us proud"
 
I agree, if thats the first youve done then youre definitely on to a winner....best thing to do is just make sure youre always writing things and thoughts down - keep a pen and a pad with you. Some of the tunes Im writing now were spawned from ideas i had years ago that were really really terrible so even bad stuff has a use too! But I like that one. the key i guess is the music you write around it...think we can all think of a song where the lyrics are great but the music's crap and vice versa so would be interesting to see what you do with it.
 
Song

Thanks all, the song is pretty personal (If you didn't get that from the lyrics), I think that's where the best writing comes from.
 
not too shabby. Lose the dove line, tho. It's unfortunate that, in English, there aren't a lot of words that rhyme with Love, but I can't stand dove references. they all seem so cliche and forced.
 
This is not bad at all. Maybe it could be shorter. Unless you're a rapper you'll end up with a very long and boring song. You sould try saying it with less words.
 
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