Hip Hop Chorus Lines

Re-Lapse

Re-Lapse

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Alright, so I was listening to a few songs lately, and I've been focusing on the Chorus lines. Why? Because I'm not entirely sure how to write a chorus line, how to make it "hot" or what it really requires.

I'm going to post a song that I wrote a while ago, parts of it, and show you what I mean.

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love

Verse 1

I want to find someone who will treat me right
I want to find somebody who wants someone nice
I wish I could go along and find the right one
It’s probably right in front of me, beneath my thumb
If I took the time, and the passion that it takes
I could probably find her without any mistakes
Go on with my life and be as happy as can be
But I choose to sit back and let it come right to me

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love

Verse 2

I’m not the type of person that goes for one night stands
I’m the type of person that would rather hold your hands
Rather then have sex right on the first date
I would rather marry you before we decide to mate
I may be old fashioned but this is the way I am
This is the way I was raised, and that’s how I’m gunna stand
You may not like it and that’s okay ya see
Because I will find someone that will like me for me

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love

Verse 3

No matter the cost, or how long it may take
I wanna live my life without any huge mistakes
I don’t want a kid before I am married
But I wanna have a kid before my parents are buried
This may seem like a lot to ask of one person
But this is the way I am and I can still have fun
I have a better time without the use of alcohol
I would rather have a chick that did no drugs at all

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love

Verse 4

If you think that you’re the one that’ll work for me
You don’t have to pass a test or anything you see
You just have to treat me right like I would treat you
Having loyalty and trust with every single thing you do
Do not cheat on me and do not tell me lies
Because if you do it is you that I’ll despise
All of these rules may be too much to ask
But it’s not like finding love is such an easy task

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love


_____________________________________________

Any suggestions? I really don't think it's even worthy of putting it on a song. Put this into mind, I don't have anyone else to "sing" it for me the way I italicized it up there was the part that someone was going to sing, and then the standard part was going to be rapped by me.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but since I can't sing, do you have any ideas? Not only on the lyrics, but if they are ok, how to vocally edit them, how to make them sound track worthy. The only thing I know how to do is add an echo, and that isn't very good for _every_ single song. Any input is wanted/needed, whether you're for the hiphop Genre or not, I need some help, thanks in advance to all those who reply!

--Re-Lapse

P.S. - It seems like there is way too many chorus lines, but to the beat that the song was written it fits perfectly, but I can also re-arrange that if need be.
 
I haven't even read every word yet, but I think you already have the solution-- there are too many verses, and the verse/chorus thing back and forth gets boring. Why not shorten up your verses/raps to eliminate absolutely everything that is repetitive, crunch all your rhymes together, and make a tighter, more free-stylee song? You don't have any internal rhymes, ony rhymes at the end of lines. Check what I did with your first verse to shorten and increase the rhyme factor, and see the rest of my edits...

Also,

Don't tell anyone you're "nice" if you're a rapper... or overuse words like "probably"

Re-Lapse said:
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love <--- repeated, spoken, female vox? Effects? Whispers?

Verse 1

I want to find someone who will treat me right
{nice in the days, maybe plays naughty in the nights, one}
... the right one
...probably right in front of me, beneath my thumb
{With} the time, and the passion that it takes..no mistakes
I could ... find her.
{we} be as happy as can be, {but i'mma la-z, wait ing for that special she to come to me}
...

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love

Verse 2

I’m not the type of person that goes for one night stands
{a real man} would rather hold your hands
Rather then have sex right on the first date
I would rather marry you before we decide to mate
I may be old fashioned but this is the way I am
This is the way I was raised, and that’s how I’m gunna stand
You may not like it and that’s okay ya see
Because I will find someone that will like me for me

{umm... I can't really help you on this verse... if you're going to be all "no sex before marriage" in a rap, you'd better get it more firmly in to some kind of christian rap genre-- "throw yer rosary beads in the air" and shout outs to God, etc. Also instead of talking about 'how you were raised,' say something about what your momma taught you.}

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love

the weakest thing in your chorus is the "outta sight." work on that. It's not 1972. (no offense)

Verse 3

No matter the cost, or how long it may take
I wanna live my life without any huge mistakes

you already mentioned mistakes. don't repeat yourself in verses. that's what choruses are for.

I don’t want a kid before I am married
But I wanna have a kid before my parents are buried

{skip the parents buried part.. talk about giving your momma a grandbaby or something. Burying your parents is not likely to get your intended's juices flowing...}

This may seem like a lot to ask of one person
But this is the way I am and I can still have fun
I have a better time without the use of alcohol
I would rather have a chick that did no drugs at all

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love

Verse 4

If you think that you’re the one that’ll work for me
You don’t have to pass a test or anything you see
You just have to treat me right like I would treat you
Having loyalty and trust with every single thing you do
Do not cheat on me and do not tell me lies
Because if you do it is you that I’ll despise
All of these rules may be too much to ask
But it’s not like finding love is such an easy task

{how are you going to talk about how its not a test,but then admit that it's a lot of rules???}

_____________________________________________

Any suggestions? I really don't think it's even worthy of putting it on a song. Put this into mind, I don't have anyone else to "sing" it for me the way I italicized it up there was the part that someone was going to sing, and then the standard part was going to be rapped by me.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but since I can't sing, do you have any ideas? Not only on the lyrics, but if they are ok, how to vocally edit them, how to make them sound track worthy. The only thing I know how to do is add an echo, and that isn't very good for _every_ single song. Any input is wanted/needed, whether you're for the hiphop Genre or not, I need some help, thanks in advance to all those who reply!

--Re-Lapse

P.S. - It seems like there is way too many chorus lines, but to the beat that the song was written it fits perfectly, but I can also re-arrange that if need be.
Click to expand...

Why not have the "I want to find love" repeated in sexy female vox thru the whole song, under your raps, and then for the chorus, you just join in to the loop, singing the "treat me right" and so on....

Hope my edits get you thinking about how to use more rhymes to get more rhythm into your delivery.

Peace,
OWz
 
OWZ hit it right on the head. you gotta take out the unnecessary wording! the key to making something "hot" is keep it simple. now something can be lyrically complex without being WORDY, and the beauty of poetry is expressing your point using not-too-many words IMO. getting too wordy just makes the lines drag on and it's boring and uncomfortable to listen to. and OWZ is also right about end rhymes, you have to mix it up or else it just sounds like a robot with a rhyming dictionary. mix up syllables, rhyme patterns, delivery patterns, all that stuff to keep it spicy and interesting.

use fewer words, but pick them wisely. the use of wordplay and metaphor is a key part of making good rap stuff. take advantage of words or phrases with multiple meanings to express multiple points without having to write out an entire paragraph.

i remember a hip hop song that i recorded for one of my friends had a really cool double-meaning line that i'll always remember:

"I have to race for first,
but it's gonna take me a second to see what it's worth..."

it's a song about how he's always trying to be the best at whatever he does, and to me that line jumps out since "it's gonna take me a second" is a phrase that describes time, and that it takes time to get to the top. also, it interacts with the previous line since "a second" could mean finishing in second, which gives one a better appreciation for the hard work it takes to finally be #1. but thats just an example of how you can look deeper into words and phrases to make a more meaningful use of them.
 
Obi-Wan zenabI said:
I haven't even read every word yet, but I think you already have the solution-- there are too many verses, and the verse/chorus thing back and forth gets boring. Why not shorten up your verses/raps to eliminate absolutely everything that is repetitive, crunch all your rhymes together, and make a tighter, more free-stylee song? You don't have any internal rhymes, ony rhymes at the end of lines. Check what I did with your first verse to shorten and increase the rhyme factor, and see the rest of my edits...

Also,

Don't tell anyone you're "nice" if you're a rapper... or overuse words like "probably"



Why not have the "I want to find love" repeated in sexy female vox thru the whole song, under your raps, and then for the chorus, you just join in to the loop, singing the "treat me right" and so on....

Hope my edits get you thinking about how to use more rhymes to get more rhythm into your delivery.

Peace,
OWz
Click to expand...

Wow. That was some bit of information I wasn't expecting, actually. See, for me, I'm not a Christian rapper, because well, technically I cuss in almost every song, but It doesn't sound like it "fits" if I cuss, like I hesitate to say it, or something like that and it messes the flow up, tremendously.

Your ideas were amazing, and I never even thought of any of them that way, the way you re-wrote the lyrics was a bit different for me, since I'm not really into that style, I know I have a lack of words and I repeat myself a lot, I'm working through that as we speak.

What I wanted to do, was have the female vocals say "I wanna find love" and then I rap the 2nd part, in the chorus. The chorus itself, is pathetic, I wish I could change it up, and add some things to it.

I'm the only one doing all the stuff, the beats, the lyrics, the vocals, the editing, the mastering, all of it. Sure, I know there's a lot of artists out there that do it all on their own as well, but when I don't know half of what to do when it comes to the vocals, that's where my songs actually go down.

Since you did read the vocals, and you did leave a comment, I'm going to post to you how the song actually turned out when I did it (a while ago) actually.



Nothing worthy of any playback to anyone but myself, until I get some more ideas and figure out how to do all of this.

The problem with the female vocal idea, is I don't have any female vocalists that can actually do that for me, well, until June, when my girlfriend moves up here with me.

Do you have any ideas of what I can do, to make it better, _until_ then?

I will probably go through the lyrics and re-write them and I'll update you on it.

Tell me what you think of the recorded draft.

--Re-Lapse
 
zed32 said:
OWZ hit it right on the head. you gotta take out the unnecessary wording! the key to making something "hot" is keep it simple. now something can be lyrically complex without being WORDY, and the beauty of poetry is expressing your point using not-too-many words IMO. getting too wordy just makes the lines drag on and it's boring and uncomfortable to listen to. and OWZ is also right about end rhymes, you have to mix it up or else it just sounds like a robot with a rhyming dictionary. mix up syllables, rhyme patterns, delivery patterns, all that stuff to keep it spicy and interesting.

use fewer words, but pick them wisely. the use of wordplay and metaphor is a key part of making good rap stuff. take advantage of words or phrases with multiple meanings to express multiple points without having to write out an entire paragraph.

i remember a hip hop song that i recorded for one of my friends had a really cool double-meaning line that i'll always remember:

"I have to race for first,
but it's gonna take me a second to see what it's worth..."

it's a song about how he's always trying to be the best at whatever he does, and to me that line jumps out since "it's gonna take me a second" is a phrase that describes time, and that it takes time to get to the top. also, it interacts with the previous line since "a second" could mean finishing in second, which gives one a better appreciation for the hard work it takes to finally be #1. but thats just an example of how you can look deeper into words and phrases to make a more meaningful use of them.
Click to expand...

Also very good advice, I'll look into this and take all your guys's opinions to heart, I promise I'll come up with something worthy.

--Re-Lapse
 
yes, what Zed said. Rap carries that element of pride and ego through it-- it should-- that's part of where the genre came from. Good rap, IMO has an element of humility like that cool first/second line he mentioned.

You've got the decency, good home learnin' and humility comin' thru, but don't be afraid to show off a little. Why do you deserve this perfect girl? Tell the world about it, young blood!
 
Obi-Wan zenabI said:
yes, what Zed said. Rap carries that element of pride and ego through it-- it should-- that's part of where the genre came from. Good rap, IMO has an element of humility like that cool first/second line he mentioned.

You've got the decency, good home learnin' and humility comin' thru, but don't be afraid to show off a little. Why do you deserve this perfect girl? Tell the world about it, young blood!
Click to expand...

I'll try my best, that's for sure. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks again for the help.

--Re-Lapse
 
the chorus seems OK really, but another thing you can do is instead of repeating the exact same chorus, maybe mix up the wording for each different chorus, then at the end of the song you can do like a finale combo-chorus type deal, where you wrap everything up to close the song. you really don't need to ADD anything, i'd say it's more a matter of trimming off the extra wording, and tweaking what you already have in place.

you don't want every line to really sound exactly like the one before it in terms of delivery. what i liked about OWz's re-write on the first verse was not so much the content, but the way that the lines were altered so that it's not so cut-and-dry feeling. of course it takes practice to get your delivery nice when using different patterns and stuff, but it's something i really think is worth working on.
 
"Nothing worthy of any playback to anyone but myself, until I get some more ideas and figure out how to do all of this.

The problem with the female vocal idea, is I don't have any female vocalists that can actually do that for me, well, until June, when my girlfriend moves up here with me.

Do you have any ideas of what I can do, to make it better, _until_ then?

I will probably go through the lyrics and re-write them and I'll update you on it."

Thanks for posting it. Your intro is cool. I dig the phasey accoustic piano. It's unique. I'd re-do the synth that comes in with a more high pitched whistly synth to leave sonic space for that piano, and also to get more of that Dre sound going on. Your delivery is right on the bass and snare the whole time, and with the rhymes happening exactly on the beat, too, it keeps it all from flowing.

chop out a heck of a lot of words, and maybe pick a rapper who you dig, and try recording yourself singing in his voice, with his rhythm. It's not biting, it's practicing. Then record yourself trying to sound like another rapper. Busta and Nas are my favoirites-- Nas for lyrics, and Busta for sick syncopation. Listen to more funky music-- listen to jazz, too-- dig up your dad's old LP's... and get some more soul into that recording. Anyway, after wrking on copping other's style, you'll start to get your own and you'll sound funkier, but still like *you.*

keep it up, young blood.
 
BTW, I'm a Christian, and my God is too awesome to be hurt by a four letter word. People can be hurt by words, though, so just use them at the right times. Rappers tend to talk about guns and cuss. I don't like guns, (can I get a hell yeah?) but I don't mind cussing too much.

I don't swear all that much, but in the interest of humor or venting, or sometimes fitting in (you should hear my co-workers!) it's all good. But when I drop a glass in the sink in front of my kids.... I say...

Sugar!
 
Thanks zed, thanks obi, all of that is very helpful.

I get what you mean., I love god to death, trust me, but cursing just doesn't come naturally to me in songs. I'll work on some shit though.

Thanks again, I can't wait to get this worked out, I am going to use a different beat to re-write it, or just make a new song alltogether with all your advice. :)

--Re-Lapse
 
yeah dude i just listened to the track, it's very robotic man, you gotta change up your timing, mix things up. and back off the microphone, it sounds distorted. you got some real skill at beat making man. this is another good one here. just practice on your writing. gotta get past the elementary end rhyming, robotic right-on-the-beat delivery, and the very "literal" wording. a lot of this song pretty much sounds like you are just reading off a grocery list with background music. try and give it some more soul, use words and phrases with a lot of impact and mix up the length of your lines!
 
Obi-Wan zenabI said:
nah, keep the beat. It's pretty good. Keep making more.
Click to expand...

Well, actually, I'm going to use this beat.



I'm going to rewrite the whole song, and it's going to be for my girlfriend, because that song is old, like I said. Now, I've found that girl. :)

zed32 said:
yeah dude i just listened to the track, it's very robotic man, you gotta change up your timing, mix things up. and back off the microphone, it sounds distorted. you got some real skill at beat making man. this is another good one here. just practice on your writing. gotta get past the elementary end rhyming, robotic right-on-the-beat delivery, and the very "literal" wording. a lot of this song pretty much sounds like you are just reading off a grocery list with background music. try and give it some more soul, use words and phrases with a lot of impact and mix up the length of your lines!
Click to expand...

yeah, it was terrible, I'll re-record some new stuff and show you my progression with step by step.

Thanks for the advice, look up and check out the beat I'm going to use for my new song, it's not laid out the way I'm going to do the song, but I'll change that up. :)

--Re-Lapse
 
The guys above have given really sound advice and I’m sure you feel it is a lot to work on – so I hate to give you more – but I am not convinced by the chorus. I’m all for simplicity but I think you are letting the rhyming dictate the words – when you should start with the images and find the words that rhyme or maybe they don’t they just work rhythmically together.

If you really want love – eternal then you need something unique so it hooks in the mind of the listener – your current Ch doesn’t stand out from the vs. You can intensify the difference with music but the lyric need to hook.

Use other imagery like people who find things – explorers, private detectives, scientists. Or things eternal diamond, mountains, seas, even radiation

I want to find love; like Magnum PI
I want to find love; that’ll take me high
I want to find love; I can live by

I want to find love; like a white coat scientist
I want to find love; that’ll pass each lab test
I want to find love; better than the rest

I want to find love; that last as long as radiation
I want to find love; a Richter scale amaziation (made up word)
I want to find love; to blow away a nation

They are all fairly crap but I hope it gives you some idea – even as an example of what to not do.
 
Last edited:
Re-Lapse said:
Alright, so I was listening to a few songs lately, and I've been focusing on the Chorus lines. Why? Because I'm not entirely sure how to write a chorus line, how to make it "hot" or what it really requires.

I'm going to post a song that I wrote a while ago, parts of it, and show you what I mean.

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love

Verse 1

I want to find someone who will treat me right
I want to find somebody who wants someone nice
I wish I could go along and find the right one
It’s probably right in front of me, beneath my thumb
If I took the time, and the passion that it takes
I could probably find her without any mistakes
Go on with my life and be as happy as can be
But I choose to sit back and let it come right to me

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love

Verse 2

I’m not the type of person that goes for one night stands
I’m the type of person that would rather hold your hands
Rather then have sex right on the first date
I would rather marry you before we decide to mate
I may be old fashioned but this is the way I am
This is the way I was raised, and that’s how I’m gunna stand
You may not like it and that’s okay ya see
Because I will find someone that will like me for me

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love

Verse 3

No matter the cost, or how long it may take
I wanna live my life without any huge mistakes
I don’t want a kid before I am married
But I wanna have a kid before my parents are buried
This may seem like a lot to ask of one person
But this is the way I am and I can still have fun
I have a better time without the use of alcohol
I would rather have a chick that did no drugs at all

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love

Verse 4

If you think that you’re the one that’ll work for me
You don’t have to pass a test or anything you see
You just have to treat me right like I would treat you
Having loyalty and trust with every single thing you do
Do not cheat on me and do not tell me lies
Because if you do it is you that I’ll despise
All of these rules may be too much to ask
But it’s not like finding love is such an easy task

Chorus x2

I wanna find love, someone’ that’ll treat me right
I wanna find love, that isn’t outta sight
I wanna find love, to last longer than a night
I wanna find love yea I wanna find love


_____________________________________________

Any suggestions? I really don't think it's even worthy of putting it on a song. Put this into mind, I don't have anyone else to "sing" it for me the way I italicized it up there was the part that someone was going to sing, and then the standard part was going to be rapped by me.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but since I can't sing, do you have any ideas? Not only on the lyrics, but if they are ok, how to vocally edit them, how to make them sound track worthy. The only thing I know how to do is add an echo, and that isn't very good for _every_ single song. Any input is wanted/needed, whether you're for the hiphop Genre or not, I need some help, thanks in advance to all those who reply!

--Re-Lapse

P.S. - It seems like there is way too many chorus lines, but to the beat that the song was written it fits perfectly, but I can also re-arrange that if need be.
Click to expand...

ok i just joined this fourm and this is my first post. i listened to your mp3 and the beat is real hot. i've been doing studio work for a long long time, im no master or anything but here are my opinions...

-chorus effect your vocals. do a overdub. rap the whole song over and record it. play that wav along with the wav playing to get a fuller, warmer sound. come in every now and then and say something, like at the end of each bar say "yeah" or something.

-the mids sound tooooo crisp. drop down the mids and play with a 7/8band eq and play with those mids and highs. it sounds like you used a computer mic to record, which is cool if u did, hell i do.

-the lyrics have a great message, but you dont deliver it 100% in this. you dont sound so confident in yourself when you recorded your vocals. no one really wants to listen to someone who dosent sound confident in themself. get cocky and badass in your speech. i know cats that would LOVE to rap on that track. hell i'd love to guest on a verse.

all in all, with some work i think that song could be real hot.

-preston

www.myspace.com/almostthree
 
Whatmysay said:
The guys above have given really sound advice and I’m sure you feel it is a lot to work on – so I hate to give you more – but I am not convinced by the chorus. I’m all for simplicity but I think you are letting the rhyming dictate the words – when you should start with the images and find the words that rhyme or maybe they don’t they just work rhythmically together.

If you really want love – eternal then you need something unique so it hooks in the mind of the listener – your current Ch doesn’t stand out from the vs. You can intensify the difference with music but the lyric need to hook.

Use other imagery like people who find things – explorers, private detectives, scientists. Or things eternal diamond, mountains, seas, even radiation

I want to find love; like Magnum PI
I want to find love; that’ll take me high
I want to find love; I can live by

I want to find love; like a white coat scientist
I want to find love; that’ll pass each lab test
I want to find love; better than the rest

I want to find love; that last as long as radiation
I want to find love; a Richter scale amaziation (made up word)
I want to find love; to blow away a nation

They are all fairly crap but I hope it gives you some idea – even as an example of what to not do.
Click to expand...

That is a good idea, I never looked at it like that. Thanks man, that is great. I won't steal your ideas, but I will work off of them on my new song that I'm writing. I did try to do something like that, but i was more trying to do it that if someone listens they listen to it as a story, although I repeated myself because I can't seem to do more than 2 verses without repeating myself.

When I get everything set up, I'll probably come back here and see if anyone wants to spit somethin' on it, mix it up a bit. :)

Thanks again.

--Re-Lapse
 
preston2000 said:
ok i just joined this fourm and this is my first post. i listened to your mp3 and the beat is real hot. i've been doing studio work for a long long time, im no master or anything but here are my opinions...

-chorus effect your vocals. do a overdub. rap the whole song over and record it. play that wav along with the wav playing to get a fuller, warmer sound. come in every now and then and say something, like at the end of each bar say "yeah" or something.

-the mids sound tooooo crisp. drop down the mids and play with a 7/8band eq and play with those mids and highs. it sounds like you used a computer mic to record, which is cool if u did, hell i do.

-the lyrics have a great message, but you dont deliver it 100% in this. you dont sound so confident in yourself when you recorded your vocals. no one really wants to listen to someone who dosent sound confident in themself. get cocky and badass in your speech. i know cats that would LOVE to rap on that track. hell i'd love to guest on a verse.

all in all, with some work i think that song could be real hot.

-preston

www.myspace.com/almostthree
Click to expand...

For your first post, that is some great advice. I appreciate that a lot, I will do that when I re-record all of this. or on my next song, I'll get ahold of you and I'll letchu throw a verse down. :)

Re-Lapse
 
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