Hey guys..

[andycerrone]

Hey, I never really post in here (I keep meaning to come in here, but I always get sucked into an arguement in the cave... ). Anyways, haha, I went through a really long time since I had written anything, and I happened to tonight, but I have no one around to really critique it, and I whenever I poke my proverbial head in here I always see good advice being given, so opinions would mean something to me. A lot of this plays on multiple definitions of words and homophones. I'm a lit major so I kind of go wild with it sometimes.

and also, some info before reading it:
*The word lager has two meanings. One being an alcoholic beverage that has been sitting for a minimum of 6 weeks before served, another being an encampment of wagons used for protection, often during the time of Manifest Destiny.
**A fennec is a desert fox, known for it's really big ears and high pitched yelp (think desert movie coyote/fox sounds). They mostly scavenge for food (hense the line it's in).

I'm reading your eyes
with a smudge on their pupils
and a tear to their side.
Well you know;
you can't always hide the half truths
in a lager,
in the desert,
where only the fennec will hear you laugh
through your skeleton jaw
(you knew those truths would fall through the cracks
and be the death of you).
It was no accident.
You march loud in your boots
but the convoy will only lead you to your bones.


Thanks so much guys!

 

[TelePaul]

Hey andy! I really like this. Only...will the use of uncommon nouns confuse those not in the know?

 

[andycerrone]

Hey andy! I really like this. Only...will the use of uncommon nouns confuse those not in the know?

Thanks. About that.. I do it mostly because I know a lot of people won't understand it, but when someone who does know the other definitions reads it, they'll catch those things and enjoy it even moreso. I know, it's a weird view of it. It's healthy for people to pick up a dictionary now and then, I don't think people do it enough.

 

[mjr]

Thanks. About that.. I do it mostly because I know a lot of people won't understand it, but when someone who does know the other definitions reads it, they'll catch those things and enjoy it even moreso. I know, it's a weird view of it. It's healthy for people to pick up a dictionary now and then, I don't think people do it enough.

It has kind of an "ominous" feel to it. Reminds me a little of "For Whom The Bell Tolls".

 

[ido1957]

Yes, ominous and dark, overtones of death....
"Lead you to your bones" - is this implying one is proceeding to their death?
What genre of music will you use for this?

 

[andycerrone]

Yes, ominous and dark, overtones of death....
"Lead you to your bones" - is this implying one is proceeding to their death?
What genre of music will you use for this?

It's pretty much about how a person digs their own grave by not telling the truth and using people, but being so caught up in getting whatever he's using the people for, he doesn't see them banding together against him behind his back.

It's going to probably be for an experimentally rock song, with lots of delays, sequencing, stuff like that.

 

[mjr]

It's pretty much about how a person digs their own grave by not telling the truth and using people, but being so caught up in getting whatever he's using the people for, he doesn't see them banding together against him behind his back.

It's going to probably be for an experimentally rock song, with lots of delays, sequencing, stuff like that.

So it's about politicians...

In all seriousness, it's a good theme. Is this going to be a "screaming" song, or one of those minor-filled, hard ballads?

 

[andycerrone]

So it's about politicians...

In all seriousness, it's a good theme. Is this going to be a "screaming" song, or one of those minor-filled, hard ballads?

Haha, pretty much.

The guitar is in D minor. I'll hopefully have it fully recorded and mixed by Christmas (when my band is recording). Possibly some screaming, I wouldn't plan on it thouhg, maybe a little for 1 or 2 parts.

 

[mjr]

Haha, pretty much.

The guitar is in D minor. I'll hopefully have it fully recorded and mixed by Christmas (when my band is recording). Possibly some screaming, I wouldn't plan on it thouhg, maybe a little for 1 or 2 parts.

I'm getting a good feel based on that.

Sounds like it'd make a good "ballad", you know, metal-like guitars, some good bass, and some good drums.

I'll be curious to hear what you come up with.

This might be a song you could do some guitar layering on, something along the lines of the intro for "Battery". Just a thought.

 

[gecko zzed]

This is an excellent set of words; good, rich imagery and a pleasing absence of cliches.

There's no need to explain things; let the listeners (or readers) discover these for themselves.

 

[andycerrone]

This is an excellent set of words; good, rich imagery and a pleasing absence of cliches.

There's no need to explain things; let the listeners (or readers) discover these for themselves.

Thanks! I've been trying to pull myself further and further away from anything cliche, and to try to keep myself away from the typical teenaged "writer".