Here I go again..

  • Thread starter Thread starter IceFairy
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IceFairy

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And I need help! I'm working on this song right now and the lyrics just AREN'T cutting it. Let me lay 'em out then I'll explain.

(Verse 1)
Between the spaces in your room
The light breaks through
And it shines on you
Before I let you go

Between the spaces in our lives
There's a basic soul
That's reflecting my hope
If you could let it go

(Chorus)
So why do I have to feel all of this pain?
When you're already gonna have to start
Everything over again
But how can you finish what you wouldn't begin?
And you know I've got all the time
If you would say you'll change your mind, my love

(Verse 2) - 2 choices here
a. Between your footsteps in the hall
I count them slow, and I find myself
Wishing I was following

Between the fire in your eyes
There's a purity that's
Reflecting on me
And I feel beautiful

b. Between your footsteps in the hall
I count them slow
And I want to know
If you know where they're going to

Between the fire in your lies
There's a purity
That's still reaching for me
If you would open up

(Chorus)
So why do I have to feel all of this pain?
When you're already gonna have to start
Everything over again
But how can you finish what you wouldn't begin?
And you know I've got all the time
If you would say you'll change your mind, my love
© 2002 Naomi Simpson

okay.. basically the first verse is okay, somewhat cheesy, the chorus is okay.. but the second verse is coming apart at the seams! Help!
 
Hi again, Ice.

I'm a rhyming freak, so if you don't like my ideas that's cool.

(one)

Verse one, line one, in my opinion, needs something to link to in the last part of the verse. I've thought instead of 'Room', maybe,
Life,
or
Time.

Either one would mesh with verse one, line five where the word 'lives' is used.

I don't see much cheese in it, other than the person seems a bit blue. :)

(two)

Chorus, line five.
How about changing, 'And' to 'When'? The reason I suggest this, is your speaking of the other person before line five. Line five bring you into the chorus, and when 'And' is used, it sorta means more of what was said earlier. Where as 'When' would make a change without a 'and' relationship to the previous lines.

When I read it the first time, I had to pause for a second, because to me the 'And' was continuing the what had been said about the other person. Quite possibly, the listener would pause for a second also when your feeling are mentioned. That's why I suggested 'When'. It sora breaks the connection that 'And' makes.

(three)
Verse 2.

Between your footsteps down the hall,
I count them slowly and want to know,
Where they lead and what you'll do.

Between your lies, there's a purity.
That's reaching up and grabbing me.
Please open up and let me in you.



Just some ideas.
Without knowing how your music goes, the meter of the lyrics may not match the music.
Hope it helps in some way.

It's really a nice song. Pleading, wanting to help, personal. Something a lot of listeners can relate to.
 
Maybe this'll help...

Thanks for the input. But remember, don't be too worried about being "nice".. it helps me most when people are honest. So if something's gonna flop, give it to me straight. :-)

But perhaps it will help if I can attach a rough version, I'm going to try.. haven't done this before. Ignore the cheest drums bleeding through my el cheapo headphones. :) Only other thing I can think is the guitar's messed up but I've not been playing too long. That's all for apologies.

And yes, the person seems a bit blue because most of my lyrics are based on things actually happening to me.. I just make them a bit vague to avoid ridicule from certain parties around me. Usually I just come up with something and later it hits me when I'm dealing with a situation, I realize how it relates, and I adapt the lyrics to the circumstances.

Situation here, to put it vaguely, goes something like:
Person singing is wondering why they'll never get a chance in a relationship with the person they're talking about.. and as for the lines that don't match that, they're mostly saying that deep down the two people are the same, but the person being sung about is being a banana brain and changing things in their life that makes it even harder to get through.
Make sense?
Didn't think so :-).
 
And here it is.

www.garageband.com/naomisimpson

Remember it's a *very* rough version, so don't critique the recording/mixing yet..

Btw. I really like the first part of the verse you made, but as you can hear, it would be kinda hard to match up the second.

Check it out.
 
wow incredible voice, im not much of a lyric writer but ive been playing music for 20 years and all i can say is this song sounds fine just the way it is, your voice is beutiful and id love to hear the final mix on this. i like the chord progresion for the music to. sounds like youve gott somthing good going on you should get a page at www.soundclick.com. thanks for sharing tim pate
 
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