here goes nuthin

[dr.colossus]

song i wrote this morning:




the milk bottle's empty
the coffee's getting cold
he sits down with a broken pencil
on a day thats getting old

he starts writting a letter
a poem or a song
the adjectives are perfect
but the verbs are all wrong

"you know that i
can swim with my eyes open,
but i would rather fly"

"its as easy as summer on a winters day
a sky thats blue when the clouds are grey"
a tune you can sing to when its too hard to say
"maybe i'm happy today"

its been so long
since she heard him say,
"maybe i'm happy today"

its been so long
since she heard him say,
"maybe i'm happy today"

comments and suggestions please guys

 

[NationalSandwic]

i would replace the "adjectives" with another word.
it's just a difficult word in the middle of a lot of pretty simple ones...

try this as a replacement couplet:
"the spelling is perfect/but the words are all wrong"

cheer

 

[dr.colossus]

i would replace the "adjectives" with another word.
it's just a difficult word in the middle of a lot of pretty simple ones...

try this as a replacement couplet:
"the spelling is perfect/but the words are all wrong"

cheer

i thought about that you know, but the song is very slow, and there is plenty of time to get the words out, i chose these words to break up the rythm a bit....

does it seem finished? or would you guys call this a draft?

 

[NationalSandwic]

Aah... ok then. Sounds cool.

I don't know about calling it a draft. I always find it difficult to adjust a song once I've found words that fit and a structure I like. At the same time, I always find it difficult to settle on a final version. The songs are always changing, even slightly.

Either way, I like your song!