help with a verse

D

dannoman

New member
Question:How would you guys work the last line of this verse with the words 'close' and 'shut'. Would you use closed for both, or shut and closed...any thoughts?

and i can still remember when my daddy died
i heard a car pull up and so i looked outside
mama said now honey, things will be alright
she closed the door, i shut my eyes and i cried all night
 
dannoman said:
Question:How would you guys work the last line of this verse with the words 'close' and 'shut'. Would you use closed for both, or shut and closed...any thoughts?

and i can still remember when my daddy died
i heard a car pull up and so i looked outside
mama said now honey, things will be alright
she closed the door, i shut my eyes and i cried all night
Click to expand...


well i'd do it like this without shut at all.

she closed the door, and i cried all night.
 
try switching closed and shut around...

and i can still remember when my daddy died
i heard a car pull up, so i looked outside
mama said now honey, things will be alright
she SHUT the door, i CLOSED my eyez and cried the rest of the night




by saying the rest of the night instead of all night it give your verse a more 3d feel.
 
Thanks for the replies....much appreciated. One thing I forgot to mention is I have the melody of the song down, so it is necessary to keep the number of syllables the same...un less I want to reinvent the melody. I was just curious to get some insight as to what you guys would do with those two words. I'm thinking about using closed/closed...whatdya think?
 
Geeze, sad story - is it a recollection?

And I still remember when my daddy died,
I heard a car pull up, so i looked outside.
Mama said, "Now honey, things'll be alright!"
She shut the door, i closed my eyes,
And cried all night.

This removes redundant word.
The contraction of things will is more realistic in terms of speech 7 the likely way it would be sung by most folk though if you're certain you want the formal aspect keep it as it was.
I wouldn't use the emboldened And unless the preceding line actually linked in as the 1st part of the sentence.
Is it mamma or mumma as the pron. has an impact on the line?
seems like an interesting song.
 
I like closed/closed. Shut seems too mechanical and aggresive, whereas closed has a softer, and therefore more human sound/feel to it. And I like the repetition of the word, to tie the line together a bit more. Implies that the door is more than just a "door." my .02
 
yeah i like repetition of closed. it personifies the action of the door along with "my eyes" makes the two actions. insinuates a metaphor
 
brendandwyer said:
yeah i like repetition of closed. it personifies the action of the door along with "my eyes" makes the two actions. insinuates a metaphor
Click to expand...

Exactly!

I really appreciate the replys folks. I'll post the lyrics to the entire song when I finish.

Danno
 
I've decided I like the double up after all - either closed or shut but the other little edits are still necessary to my eyes.
 
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