Help Me Polish This Monstrosity of a Lyric

Scriabin

Scriabin

New member
Hello All,
I need some help here. It's an upbeat rock n' roll song (think The Cars but with a modern sound) The plot of the song follows an idea that I guy desires a girl in church, of all places, but she's unattainable. He walks up to her and tries to come on to her but she's gets angry and storms off only to give a little smile on the way...hinting she actually is human under that cold exterior.
Now, I need some help with these lyrics...They've got some cliches that need to go and word choices could be stronger but I'm fresh out of ideas. I'd appreciate anybody's willingness to strike some freshness into these lyrics.
Thank you in advance,
Scriabin

Tennessee Maybellene

Verse 1
It’s Sunday morning
but I can’t hear the preacher’s words
cause my eyes are focused on a girl
three aisles away in a red silk skirt.

Verse 2
She’s a siren
Waiting for the end of the world
and she’s praying that she’ll keep herself pure
(cant decide on a 4th line)

Chorus
Tennessee Maybellene
I don’t know what you’ve done to me.
Tennessee Maybellene
It must be a sin to be such a tease.

Verse 3
I walk up to her
and slowly whisper in her ear
It’s clear what I have to say she don’t wanna hear
but as she turns to leave a smile appears.

Chorus
Tennessee Maybellene
I don’t know what you’ve done to me.
Tennessee Maybellene
It must be a sin to be such a tease.
(Repeat)
 
Scriabin said:
Verse 1
It’s Sunday morning
but I can’t hear the preacher’s words
cause my eyes are focused on a girl
three aisles away in a red silk skirt.

Verse 2
She’s a siren
Waiting for the end of the world
and she’s praying that she’ll keep herself pure
(cant decide on a 4th line)
Click to expand...

What is your feeling on rhyme? You haven't established a pattern here, but in the third verse, all four lines rhyme. So my first thought is to recast the two verses to rhyme ABBA.

Next, 'siren' is a reference to Greek myth, but that particular myth has little to do with the end of the world. Later in the verse we learn that she's not trying to destroy you, she's trying to save herself. That's not exactly a siren. Plus the siren was quite ugly with a sweet song, but you see her not hear her. So I don't think that works.

OK, my take:

Sunday morning's everyday
Waiting for the end of the world
I can't hear the preacher's words
I'm focused three aisles away

In her red silk skirt
She's bowed and praying
She won't get tempted
And she'll keep herself pure

The first line brings in a bit of Nirvana's "Lithium", which does a couple of things: it illustrates your theology vs. hers and the preacher's:

I'm so horny that's OK my will is good

Thus you have existentially resigned yourself to destruction via your passions.

Second, it indicates that you are essentially bored with your surroundings, which presumably you can change, but lack the motivation for some unknown reason. Thus you persist in your routine. Perhaps not admirable, but very typically human and sympathetic from the point of view of the listener.

The next line, who is waiting for the end of the world? Everybody in the song; you (see above), the preacher via the rapture, and the girl as her adolescent world is soon to end.

The second verse is tweaked narrowly and you might still need to flesh it out a bit in terms of meter. I think you had written four lines and not realized it. I added the bit about temptation, because if she simply wanted to remain pure, she would. She wouldn't need divine interventation. But she realizes her resolve is largely nonexistent, so that's the prayer, which more closely matches her theology:

Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil

There is no ethic of self-help there, it's more helplessness.

Third verse works perfectly from there, picks up on her internal conflict.
 
Great stuff Mshilarious, thanks for injecting some new ideas into the lyrics. Now, back to polishing:)
 
ok..

ok, one cliche that needs to go is the song...its just a small one, the whole song. your whole idea is cliche and the way it it written is cliche. im sorry, but im sick of people giving good reviews of this stuff. you will only get better when people dont lie to you or say its good because they cant do better. please, write some lyrics that dont make me cringe at how overdone they are. the whole premise is just boreing and played out. i dont claim to be an amazing lyricist, but this is just shit, no offense even though i know it will be taken that way. im trying to help. its difficult hearing what you've put time into sucks, but truth be told, it really does. its completely unorigional as is the entire genre of classic rock and roll now. it was good in the 70s what it was done right, but its time to get past that. try writeing something that is gonna have its own personallity rather than bruce springsteen's while he was high. im sorry if this pissed you off, but the person who reviewed this first was obviously an idiot.

yes i know bruce springsteen was from the 80s, but he sucks, so i figured i'd mention him, just going along with the theme of "suck".
 
Everyones got an opinion, thanks for yours....and as far as the idiot comment goes. Where do you get off calling another person an idiot for giving an honest review? There's a difference between "trying to help" and belittling someone to boost your own self-image.

I checked out some of your lyrics also to see where your coming from. I can appreciate your "style" even though I don't necessarily find it interesting either. But thats no slam against you. I like tounge in cheek lyrics that are easy to relate to, you like vague abstract writing thats more poetry than lyrics. And there's nothing wrong with that. Whatever floats your boat.
 
nopoetic said:
yes i know bruce springsteen was from the 80s, but he sucks, so i figured i'd mention him, just going along with the theme of "suck".
Click to expand...

You post that and call me an idiot? Honestly if you are 24 there is no excuse for such lacking knowledge of music history.

Let's talk about cliches. Here's a lyric of yours:

I caught your dreams in a paper cup
and leaked them to the world
Click to expand...

And here's a lyric of John Lennon's:

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
Click to expand...


And for thought, here's a lyric of Bob Marley:

If you get down and quarrel everyday
You're saying prayers to the devil, I say
Why not help another on the way
Make it much easier
Say you just can't live that negative way
You know what I mean
Make way for the positive day
Click to expand...
 
Actually he's 18, he said so in his post right here. https://homerecording.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=122031
He must have lied about his age to get some more "credibility" when posting. His age shines some light on the Springsteen comment though. Try picking up a copy of Born to Run, then rethink your definitition of "suck." A classic case of the pot calling the kettle black.
 
Father,forgive me
for I have sinned.....
Now she's part of me...
Now this time I win.....


Just a thought....
 
Sunday morning I had another thought. You don't hear the point of view of the preacher too often. The most real portrayal I can think of is (unsurprisingly) Rev. Lovejoy, who is complex enough to be interesting. What's it really like to preach at people you can tell aren't getting it? I mean it's real easy to see the kid looking at the girl in the silk skirt, probably next to some old guy sleeping and the guy playing games on his cell phone.
 
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