Seems like you have the basics down now you need something socially intresting to say that will appeal to the masses. I mean if your gonna moan i want you to make me think how i feel the same by not telling me how you feel but by provoking my thoughts processes into thinking i know how you feel. Because if i was in your situation i'd feel like moaning too if that makes sense.
If you want me to feel like spitting on a grave. What situation would i have to be in. tell me a story with a beginning a body and an end.
I listened all the way through and the format is there and good. You need to work on your arrangin a little and leave more space in there.
You'd be amazed how much music the listener can hear in the quiter parts of a song once you have got some good fills and hooks outlined already.
work on the lifts into the chorus. More space ie less instrumentation in the verses helps this.
A differant feel from verse to chorus helps to ie say long words in verse and short words (more stuccatto) in the the chorus for example.
I hope this makes sense and by the way this is just my opinion.
Good work by the way keep at it you are honing your craft well.
I'll include a you tube video here to help illustrate what i mean.
Hip hop isnt my bag at all to be honest but this guy gets my attention without too much swearing or gang killing kinda stuff.
The Struggle - YouTube