"Goodbye"

P

prestomation

New member
Hey everybody, i haven't posted anything here in forever. This is one I've been working on for a while. It is a dark, dreary, piano driven piece about letting go..or something like that. I think I'm gonna expand the last verse a little to make it kinda like a bridge, but I may not. Anyway, I'd love to hear what you guys think. And I really don't have a title for sure yet.





V1
The sun will set and the moon will rise
the sky will darken as you realize
the thunder and the lightning, come to say goodbye
they come to tell me, it's all been a lie

V2
The rain it comes to soothe my pain
it comes to tell me you're to blame
I really should have listened when it woke me up that night
now I'm waiting for tomorrow, dreaming of second light

Chorus:
Please say what you mean, please mean what you say
I never believed you
I'm tired of this, I'm tired of you
I wish my dreams would just come true

V3
The moon will set and the sun will rise
I see you now with brand new eyes
The sun shines light upon me, allowing me to see
Now I'm severing the connection, between you and me

Chorus

V4
The orange, the red, the blue, and the gray
All proclaim the brand new day
The moon and the stars stay to remind us
Of all the days we leave behind us
 
While some of the rhymes are rather basic - there are many things I like.

1. The way the rain in the 2nd verse builds off the storm in the 1st verse
2. The way verse 3 inverts the moon & sun rising/setting
3. The line in the chorus "I'm tired of this - I'm tired of you"
4. The 1st two lines of verse 3 (where the character sees her with "brand new eyes")

Just an observation - you titled the song "Goodbye", but the only actual reference to good-bye is buried in the 3rd line of the 1st verse (and it appears nowhere in the chorus).

A general principle of songwriting technique is to "hit the hook". If "Goodbye" is the title, it would stand to reason, that also should be the hook you're trying to hit and it should perhaps be a greater focus within the song.

That being said I enjoyed reading your lyrics.
 
Yes it feels like a dark piece when I read the lyrics. It seems to reflect a breaking of the relationship but I wanted more of the reason why you broke up - that's just my curiosity I guess. There's lot's of good imagery/feel with the weather and the sunrise and sunset. I also agree with the lines Mikeh liked. Good stuff so far....
 
I've wrote songs like this.
They are the kind of song that you listen to
while you hang yourself from the ceiling fan.
 
prestomation said:
Chorus:
Please say what you mean, please mean what you say
I never believed you
I'm tired of this, I'm tired of you
I wish my dreams would just come true
Click to expand...

I am a big chorus guy. It is what usually sticks with the listener and central to the song. The first three lines of this one are great. The last line is a bit of a let down for me. If anything, spend some time rewriting different final lines to the chorus and see where it leads you. As always, a buck - .98 on my part.
 
The moon will fall and the sun will die
I hear you moaning and wana see you cry
There ain't no Light for you and me
Cause you love every man and it's plain to see

Say what you mean and mean what you say.
But you're a lier,Yeah baby you're a lier
Like a worn out shoe and a old pair of socks
Honey our love, has hit the ROCKS




Speed it up chillins
Up beat tempo with suicidal lyrics
Get it BABY !!!!
HAHAHAHAHA
 
Last edited:
69 SG said:
The moon will fall and the sun will die
I hear you moaning and wana see you cry
There ain't no Light for you and me
Cause you love every man and it's plain to see

Say what you mean and mean what you say.
But you're a lier,Yeah baby you're a lier
Like a worn out shoe and a old pair of socks
Honey our love, has hit the ROCKS




Speed it up chillins
Up beat tempo with suicidal lyrics
Get it BABY !!!!
HAHAHAHAHA
Click to expand...

That's exactly the point i was trying to make. Die bitch! :eek:
 
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