Freash Meat to the slaughter - Newbie puts his song up

  • Thread starter Thread starter Whatmysay
  • Start date Start date
Whatmysay

Whatmysay

New member
It has got a bit of a Paul Weller 'Wildwood' feel to it, but because it is largely in Am (with a G to C kind of bass feel) it could also go a bit RnB in an Am7 with a nice bass/drum groove. Mid8 goes to Cm/Gm then resolves back A - D7 and to the G to C bass thing.

Please comment

Butterflies

Butterflies, dirty city streets
Little child, dragging their feet
Beauty’s in the wings you bare
Laughter in the tales you tell.

½ CH
Oh my, my Butterflies (r.)

Butterflies, asleep in their dreams
Of fortuned lives, kings and queens
Beckoning lands and plans contrived
Of loving times and pain survived

CH
Oh my, my butterflies
Fragile as lullabies
Flirtatious flutterbys
Oh my, my butterflies

Mid8
In this garden’s safety
You will grow and make me
Happy each day
But beyond this leafy
Haven you will leave me
And fly away

Inst

Butterflies, where winter winds blow
Some tell lies, pretend that they know
But I am true as blue summer skies
Sure as day I love you, butterflies

CH
rpt Fade
 
I have no further commments other than I LOVE IT! I really really dig the lyrics, I think you got a knack for them. Post up the song!


Mike
 
Looks great to me too. Would love to hear it :)

The second line "little child, dragging their feet" confuses singular and plural - maybe intentional, but also easily fixed - is the only thing that jumped out at me as a possible thing to fix.
 
Freddy said:
The second line "little child, dragging their feet" confuses singular and plural - maybe intentional, but also easily fixed - is the only thing that jumped out at me as a possible thing to fix.
Click to expand...

This bothered me too. But the chorus is so strong and vivid it makes up for anything I might find wrong with the song. I love the alliterative 'Flirtatious flutterbies". :D Nice effort. ;)
 
Thanks you all for such positive input. The singular/plural is intentional, I am trying to get the 'ie' vowel in child to match up with 'flies' in butterfly - as in the other 2 verses - it is a bit clumsy but i do not think it sounds as bad as it reads.

I'll let you know when I post the Mp3 up on Garage Band

Cheers

Burt
 
Whatmysay said:
Thanks you all for such positive input. The singular/plural is intentional, I am trying to get the 'ie' vowel in child to match up with 'flies' in butterfly - as in the other 2 verses - it is a bit clumsy but i do not think it sounds as bad as it reads.

I'll let you know when I post the Mp3 up on Garage Band

Cheers

Burt
Click to expand...

Yes, I saw that, but you could make it ..

Butterflies, dirty city streets
Little child, dragging her feet (or "his", I'm guessing "her")
Beauty’s in the wings you bare
Laughter in the tales you tell

.. just a thought. Entirely your call!

Actually, I quite like making it "feets" at the end :)
 
Very good lyrics - however the singular/plural is a negative (about the only real negative I saw).

You mentioned you did this on purpose to serve the rhyme. I don't think it is good craft to sacrifice form simply to achieve rhyme.

However, take that small critique in the spirit that on a whole, I think they are fine lyrics.
 
Perhaps my fatherly pride is getting in the way - its 2 daughters now since we adopted last month - hence the song and the need for plurals.

I could let the whole subtle midline rhyme go in Vs 1 and just have "little girls, dragging their feet" (which was the original lyric); it would also connect the imagery of daughters/butterflies for the ‘less able’

Should have stuck with first instincts

Cheers
 
Hey, I didn't realise you were singing about your own daughters. A daddy's pride that brings it all to life!

Nice work :)
 
I was thinking that I should allude to it in the title. Any suggestions? Daddy's girls, Father's Pride?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top