Foreshadow, a progressive rock song, lyric opinions and suggestions?

[jndietz]

Basically, the song is about a person wanting something else out of life, to move somewhere, or to make a major change, but realizing what they wanted was here all along. The music hasn't been arranged yet, but I would like to follow the haiku styling I put forth in the lyrics, by having the song progress with 5/4, 7/4, 5/4 metre for each stanza. No necessarily every syllable needs to be on the beat, but wanted to focus on doing that...or thought of making one long bar of 17/4, but don't really know how to go about that. I'm thinking at some point within the song, it will move from a diminished or minor chord progression to a major one, to denote hope and well-being, as opposed to the uncertainty that is described at the beginning of the song. It will probably have a few different movements throughout, different musical pieces denoting different moods throughout the song.

Anyways, lyrics below.


I need one more change
Change that will make me complete
Dig deeper within

It belongs somewhere
One undeniable claim
Carries me under

Where will it take me?
The descent slowly begins
Let me out of here

Shadows surround me
Blocking a clear point of view
Look beyond for truth

Who belongs with me?
Only the sun and the moon
See my tragedy

I am alone here
But soon I will leave this place
I won’t forget you

What did I forget?
Something irreplaceable
In front of my eyes

Hither all along
I was blind but now I see
Faults and tragedy

When can I return?
And begin my ascension
To where I belong

Why this choice I make?
To something I cannot have
A failed prediction

Don’t follow my steps
Realize what it is worth
What really matters

 

[gecko zzed]

Excellent! A whole song constructed out of haiku.

The haiku format forces you to think hard to create concise but meaningful phrases . . . it's a great exercise for developing skill in cutting unnecessary words.

You've done well here.

I will be most interested to see how this turns out, for I have a great fondness for unusual time signatures.

I wish you luck with trying to develop a 17/4 bar . . . I expect it would be difficult to do without suggesting an internal rhythm within the bar. I've often used 11/4, but it's really only three bars of 3/4 followed by a 2/4.

Keep us posted with progress.

 

[jndietz]

I will probably have a pretty hard time figuring it out...how I want it all to sound. I'll try to update this thread once I get something going

Thanks zzed!