First time in this forum....

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RAMI

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Hi guys,

I usually post my tunes in the MP3 forum once they're finished, but never just the lyrics here. I'm actually very un-comfortable doing this, it's like being totally naked in public :eek: because I know that poetry and lyric writing are 2 different things. So, I know how weird it is to READ a song as opposed to hearing it in the context of the music, etc....

I'm posting this because there are a few lines that I'm not sure about. I was going to put question marks at the end of the lines that I'm not sure about, but I figure I'll just put it out there and let people make their own judgements.

This is a song called "Nice to See You". Just like any song, none of these lyrics are written in stone, and for all I know, even the title and main line can change by the time I finish it.

Thanx for any input in advance:

Nice to See You (words and music by RAMI)

Verse1
I've been wandering all alone never knowing where I'm going
I've been hiding in the rain where the fog just numbs the pain
Watching days turn into weeks while I'm walking in my sleep
Locked away inside a shell slowly burning in my hell

(Chorus)
Nice to see you you've been away so long
Nice too see you back where you belong
Nice to see you nice to see you again again
See you again

Verse 2
In the darkness of my cave I was shackled like a slave
And I tried in vein to hide this intoxicated mind
Deep denial is a friend while it tears your soul again

(Chorus)
Nice to see you you've been away too long
Nice too see you back where you belong
Nice to see you nice to see you again again
See you again

(Bridge)
Like a nightmare when you try to scream you wake up back home again
Wipe the sweat away take a holiday

Verse 3
Looking back it's plain to see couldn't let myself be me
Doesn't matter why and how living here and living now

(Chorus)
Nice to see you you've been away too long
Nice too see you back where you belong
Nice to see you nice to see you again again
See you again
 
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Hi Rami,
Welcome aboard, it's a bit quiet in here but you can usually get a few good critiques (maybe bump it if need be)...

Here's some thoughts, based solely on the lyrics.....

I've been wandering all alone never knowing where I'm going
- I'm guessing the pronunciation of going will be more like "own" than "ing".
- "Knowing" is closer but it's sitting a few syllables off the pattern.
- cool pattern by the way; very easy to get the "swing of things"....

Nice to see you you've been away so long
Nice too see you back where you belong
Nice to see you nice to see you again again
See you again
- It works but it's not a strong lyrically as the verses. Dare I say, a bit cliche. Needs more reference to the addiction/pain/pain relief described in the verses. On the positive side, it's simple/easy to remember. Again the pattern shines through...

vein = vain

Like a nightmare when you try to scream
you wake up back home again
Wipe the sweat away take a holiday
Not sure about these phrases... Take a holiday seems really off topic....can you explain that maybe?

Looking back it's plain to see couldn't let myself be me
Doesn't matter why and how living here and living now
This is a good resolution of the song - describes the reason and also the fact that there may be no hope....

Just some thoughts....I like the reducing pattern of the verse lengths....
I'm sure this will be another classic RAMI tune based on your past work...
 
Hey Ido,

Thanx man. I was beginning to wonder if anyone even visited this forum. :D

First of all, yes you are correct. "going" is pronounced more like "own" in this case.

I see what you mean about the chorus not beind as strong as the verses. I'll have to think about that. "Nice to see you" is not the most memorable line. I was thinking something like "unfrozen" originally, but thought maybe the simpler route would be better than inundating the song with vague symbology. I thought a simpler chorus would give the verses more impact. I'll have to think about that one.

"Vain" is what I meant. Even though, considering the "addiction" theme, maybe "vein" is more than a freudian slip on my part. :D

You also may hve a point about "holiday". I originally had "It's a brand new day", but thought THAT was too cliche. Considering it's a bridge part, maybe the simpler, more cliche line would be the way to go.


I really appreciate your input and respect your opinion on this.

Thanx, brother. Much appreciated, and food for thought.
 
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The chorus doesn't do much to move the story along and it doesn't provide glue for the verses. Like in vs 1, you talk about the pain of being alone, etc., then the chorus says nice to see you, but doesn't say why or how it helps the singer by seeing this person.

I'll disagree with ido on verse length, I think they should all be the same because you are trying to match them up with the same basic melody.

You've been doing some new and creative stuff lately, so I'm thinking this song will catch us by surprise. Of course, it's a Rami song, so it's going to ROCK.

Cheers,
 
Chili,

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. I should have posted lyrics on this forum a long time ago, I probably would have ended up with better tunes.

OK, just to give you insight into how I ended up with the the chorus I did. I realize that if I have to explain it, it means it's not that strong to begin with, but I'll give you my take on it.

This song is about looking back on an addiction that I got over. It could be any kind of addiction; drugs, alcohol, love, religion...anything. So, the choruses are about looking into the mirror and saying "Nice to see you got over it" sort of thing.

I thought the contrast of "This is how it was" (verses), and "This is how it is now" (choruses) would be a cool thing, but it obviously doesn't work in your opinion, which is enough to make me re-think it.:cool:

I'll be working on this, and hopefully come up with something better. Unless I decide to leave it the way it is. :D :D :D

Thanx alot. :)
 
Cool, glad I could help. Yeah, I didn't get the addiction thing at all, but I might be slow about stuff like that. The good thing is you can reword at least 3 lines in the chorus to better explain the contrast and still have a great hook with Nice to See You Again. And now that i know it's a introflection, it's very cool.

Another thought, while I'm still babbling, is a rock song can have a lot of leeway with the lyrics. You can be vague with a message and allow the listener to take away what they want from teh song. Can't do that with a country song or singer/songwriter type stuff.

Cheers,
Dave
 
I can't edit my first post, so I'll just to you guys that I'm changing the line (and title) from "Nice to See You" to "Detoxicated". It's one more syllable, but it fits.

If it wasn't for you guys, I probably wouldn't have thought any more about it. Well, knowing me, I might have, but I appreciate the help anyway.:cool:
 
Rami, in my opinion "Nice to see you" is a cooler title, because it doesn't tell the listener everything right away, whereas "Detoxicated" tells you right away what it's about. Some might think : ho, hum, another song about addiction..... I absolutely love an air of mystery even in titles. And I love metaphors. The lyrics are great and I can't wait to hear the finished song :)
 
joeym said:
Rami, in my opinion "Nice to see you" is a cooler title, because it doesn't tell the listener everything right away, whereas "Detoxicated" tells you right away what it's about. Some might think : ho, hum, another song about addiction..... I absolutely love an air of mystery even in titles. And I love metaphors. The lyrics are great and I can't wait to hear the finished song :)
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Thanx alot Joey. I'm still debating that one. And I agree with you. I do prefer a song that is vague, like some people thinking "Hotel California" is about everything from a heroine buzz to meeting the devil to whatever else.

I'll have a better idea once I started actually recording it. But, my style is usually more along the lines of "Nice to See You" as opposed to "De-toxicated", which is like giving people a laugh-track so they know when it's supposed to be funny.
 
Welcome to this thread. There are a few people who offer some really valid thoughts on lyrics.

I think your verses are stronger than the chorus or the bridge. As someone else indicated the chorus doesn't seem to move the story line in a forward direction. All in all, I enjoyed reading your lyrics - but I'll offer a candid opinion (which I assume you want, since you posted).

The first verse is stong with clever wording- the phrase "hiding in the rain...fog numbs the pain is really good. If you could find a way to bring the rest of the song to this level of quality.....you could have an impressive piece of work.

The second verse is not as strong and the third verse seems weaker still.
This seem like a common lyric writer challenge........writing a great first verse, then trying to make the rest of the song as strong.

That being said - I enjoyed reading this
 
I had a different take than mikeh to this set of lyrics.

Like him, I thought there was a mixture of good and not so good, but in different places.

I thought the first verse was ok, but not dazzling. For example, 'numbs the pain' is fairly common.

However, I thought the second verse was great:
"In the darkness of my cave I was shackled like a slave
And I tried in vein to hide this intoxicated mind
Deep denial is a friend while it tears your soul again"

Great images here, and good use of original phrases. For me, this verse is the highight, and forms the centrepiece of the song. I might think about alternatives to 'tear your soul', because I think I've heard that a few times. Maybe go a bit left field and consider other verbs, e.g. "rusts your soul again".

I enjoyed the contrast between verse and chorus, and I expect the music would reflect that. However, I would consider alternatives to "back where you belong", which, again, is too familiar.

The song would be a winner for me if the rest of it had the same creative originality and strength of writing as the third verse.
 
hi rami, i have to say, i am so disappointed in these lyrics. they read very cliche and they dont make me feel any emotions at all. i really expected more from you. i can tell you are in a creative slump.

compare that to my new song:

have you ever kissed a diamond
laughed the jester to an eagle
we can all build a ship
and we'll fly away

have you ever sparkled star dust
cried the cat to a baby
we can all build a ship
cos' i know the way

were gonna go higher than an airplane
have you ever gone as high as a rocketship
come on now come on with me
we can feel the spirit so free
were gonna go higher than an airplane
have you ever gone as high as a rocketship
come on now come on with me
we can feel the spirit so free

have you ever touched a cheetah
played a piano in the funhouse
we can all sing that song
and its okay

come on lets ride an octopus
with a mermaid child at my side
lighting fireworks on the dance floor
and we'll all fly away


or this one

i feel emasculation
and so much frustration
you took me for a trip
all across the nation

i feel anticipation
no more salutations
im gonna take you high
and it will be amazing

im like a magic captain
i know whats gonna happen
cos i stear the ship
with my hands of action

i feel just like a painting
because im always waiting
but you got me stuck
and i have no patience

i feel jubilation
with what were making
we'll ride the world
all across the nation

i understand the emotion you are trying to express, but it reads as unpleasant as im sorry you feel. when i wrote sad songs like this

i was the one
who took you in
when the world
thought you were poison

i didnt care
i kissed you on the stairs
it was my choice
what do you think

now you have fun
with your friends
far away
from my hands

but when we were sad
and all we had
was each other
you said its past

hard to imagine
someone else holding
onto your mind
thought you were mine

but everday
its easier to see
its painfully clear
you dont want me

they were still fun and in good fun!
 
gecko zzed said:
I had a different take than mikeh to this set of lyrics.

Like him, I thought there was a mixture of good and not so good, but in different places.

I thought the first verse was ok, but not dazzling. For example, 'numbs the pain' is fairly common.

However, I thought the second verse was great:
"In the darkness of my cave I was shackled like a slave
And I tried in vein to hide this intoxicated mind
Deep denial is a friend while it tears your soul again"

Great images here, and good use of original phrases. For me, this verse is the highight, and forms the centrepiece of the song. I might think about alternatives to 'tear your soul', because I think I've heard that a few times. Maybe go a bit left field and consider other verbs, e.g. "rusts your soul again".

I enjoyed the contrast between verse and chorus, and I expect the music would reflect that. However, I would consider alternatives to "back where you belong", which, again, is too familiar.

The song would be a winner for me if the rest of it had the same creative originality and strength of writing as the third verse.
Click to expand...

Thanx Gekko. Yes, I'm still working on them and I agree with both of you that some of these lines need to be stronger. You guys are really making me work, which is a good thing. Thanx. :cool:
 
JordanD said:
hi rami, i have to say, i am so disappointed in these lyrics. they read very cliche and they dont make me feel any emotions at all.
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Good. Coming from the most talentless waste of flesh I've ever encountered, it must mean I'm on the right track. You've already had EVERYONE on this site tell you how worthless you are, so I know this is just your version of lashing out to get "revenge".

You think what you posted isn't cliche??? I've heard every one of those lines ad nauseam, you retard. You don't have an original bone in your body, and the only "emotion" you inspire is diarrhea, you piece of dirt.


Start your own thread if you want to post your worthless drivel, you worthless piece of garbage.

Better still, go sniff some more glue, pea-brain.
 
RAMI said:
Thanx Gekko. Yes, I'm still working on them and I agree with both of you that some of these lines need to be stronger. You guys are really making me work, which is a good thing. Thanx. :cool:
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rami, to me it reads like you sat down just to write a song, i think they call it waxing poetic or something, but anyone could have wrote that, theres no images or flashes of feeling and truth, it tries to be personal, but it reads so guarded and devoid of human soul.
 
JordanD said:
rami, to me it reads like you sat down just to write a song, i think they call it waxing poetic or something, but anyone could have wrote that, theres no images or flashes of feeling and truth, it tries to be personal, but it reads so guarded and devoid of human soul.
Click to expand...

Fuck off. Your opinion is less important than that of a 5 year old mental patient, shitball.
 
RAMI said:
Good. Coming from the most talentless waste of flesh I've ever encountered, it must mean I'm on the right track. You've already had EVERYONE on this site tell you how worthless you are, so I know this is just your version of lashing out to get "revenge".

You think what you posted isn't cliche??? I've heard every one of those lines ad nauseam, you retard. You don't have an original bone in your body, and the only "emotion" you inspire is diarrhea, you piece of dirt.


Start your own thread if you want to post your worthless drivel, you worthless piece of garbage.

Better still, go sniff some more glue, pea-brain.
Click to expand...

my gosh, wow, i didnt want to make you so mad. i cant believe you are standing so firm to the lyrics you posted, i think you'll look back at then in a week and shake your head! and i hate to say it, but after reading your lyrics, i actually felt relief that you didnt like my music!
 
XLR said:
Troll .
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oh stop! do you really think the song he posted was good or interesting? i couldnt believe what i was reading, it was so stale and thoughtless! it was like a clinical exam. do you really think it stands up to this deeply personal tale of mine!

there was a time
there was snow outside
you asked me to let you in
from my bedroom window

that was the time
you told me to close my eyes
as you undressed
and crawled into the sheets

tonight
your as cold as an outerspace satellite
frozen with ice

by the time of midnight
you were cold as dynamite
buried in the snow
my candle light shined white

there was a time
i asked you why
and you touched my hand
and we slept entwined

now its the time
my raven eyed shadow cat
my bloodthirsty vampire bat
my little young alley rat
my eternal wayward misty girl

its about this punk girl who i know who used to squat in abandoned buildings, and ride from train to train. she thought she was a vampire, and she actually has aids, and i slept with her while she had aids, but miraculously i didnt get it.
 
JordanD said:
my gosh, wow, i didnt want to make you so mad. i cant believe you are standing so firm to the lyrics you posted, i think you'll look back at then in a week and shake your head! and i hate to say it, but after reading your lyrics, i actually felt relief that you didnt like my music!
Click to expand...

Asshole. You piss me off because you've already proven to EVERYBODY you have no talent, and you've been told over and over again that you are worthless in every sense of the word.

I never said I'm standing firm on my lyrics, I said the exact opposite. But I don't expect a mentally handicapped, talentless troll like you to comprehend the obvious. What I DID say is that YOUR opinion is worthless. Now fuck off and do us all a favor......try to over-dose next time, OK????
 
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