First post here... looking for critiques and suggestions

  • Thread starter Thread starter photoresistor
  • Start date Start date
P

photoresistor

New member
Okay I've made a few posts on this forum in a different section but this is my first post here.

I haven't been writing lyrics for very long but I'm really starting to enjoy it. I play bass for a emo metal band with a couple of my friends (im 17).

But anyways, here is the newest song I've made... I dont consider it my best but I thought I'd post up here to see what you guys think:

----

Indestructable

towering above the rest
only you can be the best
so high where words don’t reach your ears
drowned in apathy, void of tears

[chorus]
Invincible Untouchable
Is what you want us to believe
Invulnerable Indestructible
Your tale so carefully conceived
You don’t want us to know
Beneath the skin, behind the walls
You’re not so very different
You’re just like us all

you hide from yourself
you run from the inside
no strength left to live on
all exploited to the outside

you’ve got the same problems, same empty soul
hide your little secret if we musn’t know
is there nothing more to your flesh and bones
fall apart, back to dust, crushed by these stones

[chorus]

run back to your shell
your wall of invincibility
bur lines truth expel
hidden mists, uncertainty

growing, feeding, maturing resentment
nothing more than willful imprisonment
tie yourself down too tight to move
as if you’ve something to prove

[chorus]

too afraid to show your true colors…
won’t you step into the open
take past steps refused
flesh exposed, the real you.


-----

Well thats it. I'm not really finished with it... all comments/suggestions/derrogatory remarks welcomed.

thanks.
 
Hi photoresistor,

It took me a couple of reads to warm up to your song. I am 37 and don’t know Emo from Elmo so I have no way of placing your song in that musical backdrop. You said you are really beginning to enjoy song writing and that shows. I think you have some pretty good instincts as a writer. You are sampling the tastes of words together and turning over phrases to see what is under them. The tenacity with which you wrangle with this very big thought is admirable and deserving and yet I would suggest you think about economy. This poem by Emily Dickinson strikes me as a very economical handling of a big subject.

Tell all the truth but tell it slant-
Success in circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm delight
The truths superb surprise

As lightening to the children eased
With explanation kind
The truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind-

I am seemingly saying your work is wordy but that is not what I mean. I mean rather that your point is driven home by the first verse and chorus and then resounds and even pounds throughout the song. Perhaps give us something to balance the barrage. Hint to the fact that you care about what happens to this person so it does not come as a surprise in the last four lines. “Take past steps refused” is an awesome line! Nice imagery throuhout. Good effort. Enjoying writing is the first step to a life long obsession.:D

(Disregard if not helpful.)
-b
 
Thanks for the thoughts! I think I get what you're saying there and now that I read over my lyrics again I see exactly what you are saying.

I think this is something that has been coming out of my songwriting in general and not just this song as well... very accusing, and I think thats only part of what I wanted to say. It might be my songwriting technique... on a certain topic or subject I usually just jot down ideas, phrases, analogies, etc. and then try to fit them all together. It kind of seems like I'm saying the same thing over and over.

Thanks again for your feedback... it was very helpful.

Any other feedback?
 
Okay, I've thought over these lyrics all of today and made some big changes. I tried to balance the song a little more by adding in a big analogy and running with it (maybe too far ahah).

---
Indestructable (not satisfied with the title yet)

Towering above the rest
Only you can be the best
So high where words won’t reach your ears
Drowned in apathy, void of tears

[chorus]
[Invincible Untouchable]
What you want us to believe
[Invulnerable Indestructible]
The tale so carefully conceived
You don’t want us to find out
[Beneath the skin, behind the walls]
You’re not so very different
YOU'RE JUST LIKE US ALL.

Rain drops endless on castle walls
If tears could bring down strongholds, tall
King of the fortress in control of it all
Yet captive of self-will, realities thrall

Prisoner in your keep: no cell, bars, or key
An illusion of mind, self-tyranny
Growing, feeding, maturing ailment
Boils down to willful imprisonment

[chorus]

There are no black winged riders cursing the skies
Nor loyal followers to arise
No valiant rescuers to answer your call
Nothing to delay destiny’s fall

Cries fall from your gaze
Deaf upon this biting haze
Alone in the world you’ve brought to life
Only you can end your strife

[bridge]
too afraid to show your true colors…
tucked away beneath stoney grey
won’t you step into the open
freedom through mutiny

[chorus]

[post chorus]
Not invincible from the pains of this world...
Transparent to feelings, hopes, and dreams
You’ve got the same cares, same hungary soul
As human as us, still flesh and bones.

[chorus]

take past steps refused
flesh, heart exposed, the real you.

---


I don't want to stray too far from that 'punishing' or 'pounding' feel though as the lyrics can be somewhat fitting in the music my band makes.

I basically wrote a small analogy of a castle / dungeon / fortress and then i just kept going. I'm not sure if I like how much of the song its taken up but i guess the idea of a 'fortress' is throughout the song.

Let me know what you think of the changes I've made... i am still somewhat undecided... or at least not fully happy with it.
 
Man you were not kidding about big changes. Your willingness to heat this thing up and take a hammer to it is a very cool. Lost one of my favorite lines from the original:

"is there nothing more to your flesh and bones
fall apart, back to dust, crushed by these stones"

Overall, Pounding aside, I think this version is more a tale of pathos than condemnation. In fact although we start with the same strong statement:

"Towering above the rest
Only you can be the best
So high where words won’t reach your ears
Drowned in apathy, void of tears"

The unchanged chorus softens our position a bit and then comes the strong image of the rain/tears which brings a new dimension of depth and emotion to the central character and in turn to ourselves cause "We all prisoners here.."

Were it me I would swap castle and fortress:

Rain drops endless on a fortess walls
If tears could bring down strongholds, tall
King of the castle in control of it all
Yet captive of self-will, realities thrall

This way you keep the meaning in tact but gain the illiterative quality of King/castle/control/captive

The castle/keep imagery did kind of take over and throwing in those winged black riders immediately evokes a fantasy aspect but something strkes me about this new direction and its relation to the Epic inner struggle to free oneself. Epic is the key word and so somehow these these remenants or icons of epic fantasy seem right at home. I think the key would be in performance and a delivary where you are well aware that this fairy tale you are singing is playing dress up.

I am also not fully happy with the response I am shouting from way out here in left field. Keep up the good work.-b
 
Thanks for the new thoughts and comments... I really appreciate the feedback.

I was actually thinking of the whole castle/fortress thing too because originally they were both 'castle' til i changed the first one. I think I will swap them around.

Its funny too because I was also trying to find where I could put that line:

"is there nothing more to your flesh and bones
fall apart, back to dust, crushed by these stones"

back in. I may move some other things around again, who knows.

Well thanks for the feedback again. If I make any more changes I might post them back up again.

Any other thoughts from anyone?
 
I like what I read, I'm looking forward to hearing it put to music.... even a real rough cut would help me get a "feel" for it... but it looks good...

- Tanlith -
 
Thanks...

As far as the music side of things, a friend of mine in the band came up with a guitar part that we may use.... and I have somewhat of a tune/line for the vocals in my head, but mostly just ideas for now.

I'd do a rough/first draft recording to put up here just to get a feel for it but I dont have any of the equipment needed to do that, at least not yet. I am looking at getting an Aardvark Direct Pro 24/96 soon here though so hopefully sometime soon I can get somethin up.

btw, tanlith, I listened to those tracks from your blues album.... awesome stuff man.
 
Thanks :)

I'm thinking of "grabbing" some of the stuff we did on vinal and putting it up for download... it's more R&R / Metal.

- Tanlith -
 
I admit, I don't exactly what emo is, but I was a teenager in the 80's, played a lot of speed metal among many other things....

decribe emo...?

anyway, as far as your lyrics, keep it up. I could comment forever on the words themselves, but I will restrict myself to this piece of advice - read and listen and don't close yourself off to any potential source of inspiration. Your writing is young as you are young - and given the right nourishment, your writing will mature.

Your sincerity and guts really come through in your work.

that's really counts for a lot.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top