First Original Posted (Ballad)

lga5824

lga5824

It's Just My Opinion
Hi - I would appreciate some feedback on this original ballad. Before everyone tears into me about the terrible keyboarding, weird sound and bad musicality, please take note that I am not an instrumentalist and am brand new at the engineering side of recording.

I wrote this song a long time ago and after prompting from people on this site, I just decided to record it today as a draft and post it for some feedback. Bare in mind it will be completely redone with proper accompanyists and other instruments as well.

But please do let me know what you think!

Thanks!

Jen

 
Try this:



I'm pleased to see that you've posted an original song; well done!

About the song:

The song is a lost-love ballad . . . things were good, now they're not, and even though it hurts to be apart, I'll have to live with it somehow . . . that kind of thing. As a song it is no worse than any others of its ilk, but then again, nor does it stand out as being exceptional, I could easily hear it on the radio, but I probably wouldn't pay much attention to it. In that sense, it is a safe song; the chord progression, melody, lyrics and performance are conservative and conventional. Though it is a song I could imagine on an album, it's not one that I would use to showcase your talent.

If you are seeking to make an impression, then the song needs to be exceptional, or the performance needs to be exceptional. This is what you need to think about, and the question you should ask yourself is: "why would somebody chose to listen to my song over some other performer's?" The answer to this is some aspect of your music that marks you as different, and which you can make the most of.

About the recording:

You are achieving a great sound for your vocals, but I still notice the popping on the plosives. I could also hear some rattling around in there (maybe bits of paper from which you were reading the words, or soething like that). Every now and again there was a slight pitch problem . . . possibly a momentary lapse in concentration as you think aout the next line or something.

The piano sound is a bit plinkety-plonk . . . probably because you are using a midi keyboard to drive a midi piano sound. Though notionally touch sensitve, those keyboards give nothing like the feel of weighted keys, which would make a big difference.

Your playing (as you acknowledged on the MP3 forum) is functional. It's a bit like mine: I can play sufficiently well to provide a reasonable idea of what's supposed to happen, but when the piano is a vital part of the song, I call upon a piano-playing acquaintance to breathe a proper life into it. He provides the 'sparkle' that I can't.

On your other post at the MP3 clinic, I mentioned that the songs sounded two dimensional, and your explanation of recording vocals to a pre-recorded backing track explains it: there was you, then in the distance was the track, and there was a disconect between the two.

I hope these comments are of help. They may not be highly flatternig, but I'm convinced there is considerable talent there, and I'm keen to see what comes next.
 
Hi there again Gekko zzed -

Thanks so much for the critique and for taking the time to listen to the song. I appreciate it greatly. I have no rebuttal. I agree with everything you said!

Your feedback was of great help!

Thanks again -

Jen
 
http://www.lightningmp3.com/live/62097-Don\'tKnowWhy.mp3

I'm having problems with lightningmp3 today too. (which is unusual) Try right clicking and "Save As" on the link above....

Thought I would put my response from the MP3 Clicnic.....:

Beautiful piece Jen, very well done. The keyboard works and gets you by just fine. You play about 1 million times better than I do haha.... At 3:20 you could use a bridge vocal part...or maybe it's just waiting for those friends to collab an instrumental part to really lift that section. It's probably one of few 4:50 long songs that I didn't get tired of after 3:40.... that's an indication of the enjoyable quality of the song and the performance. It's a great tune; it stands up well as a simple arrangement for now. It has lots of potential for additions later on.
 
Lovely sounding piece
I enjoyed the melody and would love to hear a nice strings section as a counterpoint , Id like to have the vocals a little more intimate perhaps being brought to the front of the mix some more
Very nice
P
 
Thank you, P. I really like the idea of adding some strings! Great call! Thanks for listening and for providing feedback!

Jen
 
First great vocals, really lovely tone and support. Lyrics are really economical and direct, which in a lost love song is a real bonus for me.

Next shocker of a piano sound – it sounds like one of those greeting card that plays Red River Valley! Sorry I know this is about the songwriting, but the accompaniment is getting in the way.

All that said I think this is much more than a ‘safe’ song. I think the lyrical and melody hooks are great. Is it similar to other songs in the genre? Yes, but that is not a bad thing – someone is always get dumped and we all want a new soundtrack for our tragedies.

I could easily hear this on the radio and that is a good thing. The melody works, the lyrics work – so what would make it standout is the arrangement.
You need something else in there melodically to counter or to hook (riff). A possible riff is suggested to me in the last 2 last phrases of your intro – the ‘Don’t know why’ melody. Try the 3 notes over each of the chords in the progression – that way the melody hook is fore grounded while keeping enough back for its full development in the chorus.

Structurally I would go straight to the bridge out of the 2nd chorus – the intervening progression just dissipates energy. I think you modulate into the final chorus and go up a few notes – I would suggest that you modulate again and kick it up a few more notes for a 2nd full chorus. Then you could get a big choir finish?

If the 2nd modulation puts it too high for you then, find your top limit of your voice and work backwards, providing it is not too low to sing the main part of the song – the rise in pitch is relative and sounds ‘big’ only in terms of the initial key. I think you would have the range for it anyway.

On the vocal pops; invest in a pop shield or fashion one out of a coat hanger and a pair of old nylons.

HTH
Burt
 
Hi Whatmysay - Thanks for all your observations and advice. All good and I couldn't agree with you more. Your comment on the keyboard sounding like a greeting card was awesome - laughed my butt off. Totally true! Modulating more in the choruses isn't out of my range and I agree that I played it safe on this recording. I do plan on vocalizing more when I record it "for real". Interesting structural recommendation. I'll check that out and play with it.

Thanks again for taking the time.

Jen
 
That's beautiful, Jen. You have a lovely voice. :)

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Very poppy....

....in two respects. 1. It has a nice "pop" song feel to it. 2. You are popping your P's and B's.:o Try using a filter or working on your mic technique to tame them for good. Yes your pitch fails a bit during a couple of the choruses but that is easily fixed with a new performance and a bit of concentration.

The vox dynamics of your choruses really make the tune in my opinion. I don't know if this song is fictional or not but it is clear that you can sing with emotion. That is more important than most of the other things you can do musically. When you convey a genuine emotion to the listener they 'latch' onto it and forgive any weaknesses a song may have. (Within reason.:D)

I would like to hear two things happen instrumentally. 1. More variety in your instrumentation. (Strings were suggested earlier) 2. Shorten the intro down to 7 seconds or less and get the strength of the song (Your voice.) working early. With your voice I might even start the first phrase a capella and bring the piano in with the first chord change.

One final suggestion.....post your lyrics here for people to read as they listen or comment separately. We have some great lyricists (Although I am not one of them!:o) that hang around here and it is easier for them to comment if they can see your lyric sheet.

Nice work and, if I may speak for the many, we are glad that you posted here. It is a bit like hanging yourself out there for all to shred but we have all been there. In the end we all have the chance to become better writers by doing so. Nice work...Dave aka up-fiddler
 
Hi Up-Fiddler - Thanks for the feedback. You're like the 10th person that has commented on the vocal popping. I think I'll invest in a pop shield!

Thanks for your comments on the song structure as well.

As for your comment about hanging myself out there to shred....no worries about that for me at all. I've learned over the years that you will never please everybody and each person's going to have their own opinion, likes and dislikes.

It's about taking it all in, listening to it, and then deciding for yourself what you want to change if anything. So in short, I appreciate everyone's feedback and opinions and since there's no way I can do what EVERYONE suggested, I'll seriously comtemplate the suggestions and go from there. :D

Thanks again for listening and providing your much appreciated feedback!

Jen
 
Well done for getting a decent demo made!

The highlight of the song for me was your singing, which I liked, although I thought you started to vocalise too much around the melody in places. I'd work on getting the melody stronger at this stage rather than the performance. As another poster said, the piano part did detract from my enjoyment of the song as it was just too clunky.

I thought the lyric was honest and I empathised with the sentiment in the lyric but if this were my song, I'd want to work on the melody for the verse and chorus to make it a bit more unusual/different. As another poster said, the melody is perhaps a little predictable and does sound like a lot of other songs. No bad thing maybe if you're already an established writer, but if you're not then you need what we all need, which is a 'break-through song'; something so exceptional that it could be a hit for anybody!

I don't think this song is that for you, but it's a good effort and thanks for sharing it with us.
 
Hi!

Great melody and you voice is beautiful, indeed.

From my point of view, I wouldn't add strings to it. Can't really explain why, it's just a feeling. When I listened to it I somehow felt the need for a guitar part (classical guitar or so). It's a very personal song with a emotional meaning, overblowing it with strings would not be the way that I'd go.

They keyboard is great, some more "dynamic" would be the thing that I'd be looking for: softer passages... more "gaps" for breathing.

Just my 2 cents,
Bernd
 
Thanks MusicBernd - I like the way you provided your feedback. Without coming across as judgmental, you gave your opinion and suggestions. I like that! Thanks for taking the time to listen!

Jen
 
Hi Jen. Just listened to your six tracks on MySpace. Very good, all of them. I particularly liked 'Up to the mountain', 'Uninvited' and 'Foolish Games'. 'Foolish Games' had my hair standing on end! I thought it was an exceptional performance and the marrying of your voice with the piano was great. Really well done, man! :D
 
Thanks a ton, Frankie. I know I've said this to almost everyone, but thanks so much for taking the time to listen to the songs and provide feedback. I really love those songs, and have been singing them for years. This was my first opportunity to record them on my own and just have fun with them. I'm working on some originals now and soon enough, those songs will be history! So I'm glad someone appreciated them!

Take care and thanks again,

Jen
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top