First finished song please critique

  • Thread starter Thread starter dmc777
  • Start date Start date
D

dmc777

New member
It's an acoustic based song and the first I've actually finished. Please tell me what ya think about the lyrics. No name yet though.

the birds sing amazing grace
as the rain falls down my face
hes a millionaire movin to a better place
by the ocean

warm coffe, long drive
down highway 49
where the sun and moon they collide
and how it calls me

Chorus
Oh that mississippi sound
her soul just pulls me down
i don't care, i don't care
i can float til i drown

Ocean Spring, Orange Grove
both give way to New Hope
he's a millionaire atleast in his soul
by the ocean

Probably repeat chorus

Warm sun and cool nights
such an afternoon delight
when the sun and moon collide
right before me
 
Most people don't really think of Mississippi as being along the ocean, I know it is, but it just isn't really a common image and it kind of conflicts for me.

"Afternoon delight" = cliche.

The rhymes are a tad forced.
 
yeah i was thinkin that may be kinda a cliche and see where you're comin from on the mississippi part. I'm from mississippi and orange grove, ocean springs, and new hope are all towns right off the coast. Thanks for the reply.
 
I thought the first and second verses were very strong and a great start. I would try writing a couple of different choruses and see if I could use them to tie the song together better. Not trying to be mean but throw out the last verse. I felt like you were tired of writing and that's how you decided to end it all. The first two verses are so strong I'd like to see a rewrite from there on. I think you have a great tune developing. As always though, jmho.
 
Thanks alot for the review. Seems everytime I read that last verse since I posted it up here I kinda cringe. Its pretty corny. I'm sure i will change it.
 
interesting lyrics. you change from first person to third person in the first lyric - unless i just dont unnderstand who the millionaire is. the thing that puzzles me is how the sun and moon collide and how that calls you.
good start & nice to keep local stuff in.
 
Thanks for the reply. Yeah sometimes I just write down what sounds good without worrying about proper english. Kind of like the changing persons and sun and moon part. I think maybe I refer to the sun and moon like that because the weather or something or how its cooler at night. Any others before i try to delete the thread.
 
I was thinking it was in California, and Mississippi was a girl with a strange name initially. Mississippi is on the Gulf, not the ocean, in my mind, though they look the same. I don't know how Mississippians talk about it--here in Tampa, it's the Gulf (but we're on the Bay--go figure.)

I like the towns and the double entendre that goes with them. Not just towns but a state of mind. Can't get the mood of the song without the music--seems sad from the chorus and the line "as the rain falls down my face" seems to me to say you're crying as you're driving. Yet the sun and moon are colliding means they're visible. So I hope you mean crying.

Not bad--I'd need to hear it.
 
dmc777 said:
Any others before i try to delete the thread.
Click to expand...
dont know why you want to delete it - people learn from reading critiques. some folks dont post, they just read & learn. so id vote for not deleting - as if anyone asked me :)
 
greenie said:
dont know why you want to delete it - people learn from reading critiques. some folks dont post, they just read & learn. so id vote for not deleting - as if anyone asked me :)
Click to expand...
Got to agree with greenie--someone else may come along later and add more. Like me.

Don't know whether it's good or bad, but through most of the song you appear to be driving (Highway 49, which is, I assume, what "it" is that's calling you) but in your chorus you're floating till you drown. Sort of a mixed metaphor or something. Maybe "drive till I drown"?

Alway, with any comments I make, feel free to think I'm a daft twit and pay no attention to them.. Your song, your words.

Good imagery.
 
I'll definately post an mp3 once I record. I'm not really looking for it to be a sad just a milder up-tempo driving song because, of course, I start out the song leaving my hometown. The birds are singing amazing grace. Thats a good thing to finally be leaving. Yes the rain is a reference to crying. I'm sad but I'm goin to this place where I'll be a millionaire, at least in my soul. Next i'm heading down 49 to the ocean or gulf. I didn't think gulf would sound very good. The Mississippi Sound is an intercoastal waterway seperated from the gulf by a series of narrow islands and sandbars. Just wanted to use that so I could compare it with Mississippi soul. I guess what I mean by float til I drown is that it's certainly not considered a beautiful living place off the ocean but I can live there and will enjoy it or float til I die or drown. The sun and moon collide could be a reference to many things. Seeing them both over the water, leaving my darker hometown to a brighter place. Hope that helps. thanks everyone for the comments. Whenever I revise I'll put an update on the title.
 
Now that I know the geographic references, it makes more sense. What do I know from Mississippi?

Yeah,ocean sounds better than gulf, but perhaps gulf shore? (Two syllables and has that "sh" sound.)

Your song, your words, like I said. I'd like to hear it when you get it recorded. Good luck!
 
As a fellow Mississippian, I guess you could point out miles of casinos and muddy water.

Well, before August 31st you could have anyway.

6
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top