Feedbacks please on this sound/lyrics scetch

  • Thread starter Thread starter Emusic
  • Start date Start date
Well you do better with English as a second language than many do with it as their first :) (Northern Europeans seem to take well to English though; I think I have a vague idea as to why that is, one day when I retire I can take the time to find out properly).

What I meant about the strings was partly their quality (the Trinity sound is pretty dated these days) but mostly that you need to do more work on the parts themselves, it sounds like they are descending root/3rd/5th parts, by voicing I meant moving things around so that the root is not the lowest note in every chord.

I thought that musically the prechorus (you could call it a bridge) fitted well but really I think you should go on your own convictions, as with the chorus when you write it. You clearly have the ability and you don't want to end up with a camel. (A camel is a horse designed by a committee :))

Good stuff.
 
I'm awaiting my Mac 2.5 Dual and Logic Pro in next week so the work on this tune is somewhat halted.
I have made a standard rythm pattern here that comes in verse two.
In your opinion, should the whole tune go with the rythmpattern from verse one, or does the new rythmpattern in verse 2 make sense/lift it somewhat?
I will remake the whole tune as soon as I get Logic Pro up and running.
Feedbacks greatly appreciated.
 
We have picked up the work with this song. Working on a sketch now and the whole song is ready with chorus and bridge together with lyrics.
Will post a MP3 here very soon for some feedback.
Stay tuned.
Garry I hope you are still out there :)
 
Song almost ready. Please read through lyrics if you got time.

Ok the song is allmost finished. We are going to post the final mp3 here. Just need a final feedback on the lyrics.
The lyrics fits so nicely into the rythm and the melody line. Do you see any errors or any phrases etc that totally is bad or doesnt make sense?
Any input greatly appreciated - good or bad.
Thanks in advance

-----------------------------------------
Tell me why, this dusk never ends
this darkest stage of twilight makes no sense
an everlasting winter in our souls
this path looks dark - black as coal

(chorus)
When our days of wealth has stumbled I fear that you will see
that our days of faith has crumbled, nothing left for you and me
when our days of wealth has stumbled I´m hoping you will see
that the world we had went jumbled, from the best that it could be

And fear is pumping through our veins
running to something without a face
every other day we leave
to where we cannot - cannot perceive

(chorus)

(bridge)
i see us all falling
and the scaring part is we don´t care
it´s like we´re all crawling
so completely unaware

(background vocal lyrics refrain after bridge)
Take back now what we did
what we did - what we di-i-id
thats all that matters
all that matters to me

(chorus) x
-----------------------------
 
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I really like your lyrics. Your descriptions are very impressionistic. There's are a few things that I can see that might be worth considering. For example, "days of wealth has" must be "days of wealth have" or "day of wealth has" to be grammatically correct. Not knowing if it was a typo, I thought I'd better point it out.

You might want to look at the "to where we cannot..." line. You know, all the words up to then are very well chosen. I just felt like it stumbled a bit on that last line. Maybe it's the repetition of "cannot" that's throwing me. The words sang very well for me up to that point.

I wasn't sure what you meant by "if see us...". I assume there's a word missing. Other than that the bridge is good; I like the internal rhyme of "scaring" and "care", plus the "unaware" goes so well with "crawling" and "care". Good wordplay.

Now, overall I'm not sure what the plot line of the lyrics is. Like I said, the lyric's very impressionistic. But it'd perhaps be interesting to thank about the actions within the song. Think about how you'd do a video of this, is what I'm saying. Does the sequence flow as well as you'd like?

This is just a critique, don't take the tone as being negative. You've really done well.

I like the words. When's the music coming?
 
Thanks a lot for your input. There is a typo in the bridge. Should have been
"I see us all falling..."
Your other inputs are appreciated and will be taken.
The music is ready on a scetch basis. Will remix and post a link.

Thanks again. Really aprreciated as we really need someone to read through our lyrics as English isn´t our main language. That way we might end up with parts of the lyrics being totally "stupid", have no real meaning etc..

BIG thanks.
 
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This tune has been on the shelf for a long time, but as I promised to post a progression - here is a rather raw version
MP3 link to Stumbled
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stumbled
(Wahl/Strand)

Tell me why, this dusk never ends
this darkest stage of twilight makes no sense
an everlasting winter in our souls
this path looks dark - black as coal

(chorus)
When our days of wealth have stumbled I fear that you will see
that our days of faith have crumbled, nothing left for you and me
when our days of wealth have stumbled I´m hoping you will see
that the world we had went jumbled, from the best that it could be

And fear is pumping through our veins
running to something without a face
every other day we leave
to where we cannot - cannot perceive

(chorus)

(bridge)
I see us all falling
and the scaring part is we don´t care
it´s like we´re all crawling
so completely unaware
(err, now I hear a muted 5th elgitar on the bridge that slipped in. Shouldnt have been there. Will remove it later today.) :cool:

(chorus) x

(background vocal lyrics refrain after bridge)
Take back now what we did
what we did - what we di-i-id
thats all that matters
all that matters to me

(Song is Tono registered)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And yeah, I know, wild verbs. Lets call it an 80´s mix shall we? :)
Can hardly be called a mix. Its all done on Sony MDR-7506 Headphones late last night.
Edit: Christ. Just listened on the monitors. What a mess. Gonna clean this up, get the levels straighten out o_O, and post a better mix later.
 
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nice!
very much a time portal back into the eighties

perhaps you could add some vocal harmonies to the verses, as the song progresses? but hey - thats just me, im all about harmonies
 
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