Feedback on some lyrics

[leavings]

Hey everyone, this is the first and only song that I wrote entirely in one day. After I was finished, I wondered if I had been careless in my haste, but the lyrics had all just come out so satisfyingly...I'm worried I've lost perspective. So, tell me what you think.

This Hotel Room

1
Your confession is written neatly on the gas receipt from Van Nuys
But you're not leaving this hotel room until I see some truth in your eyes

If I woke up ten minutes later, would you have left me this Hallmark goodbye?
You can love me or you can hate me, but you owe me a reason why

You know I'm not one to talk you down from
Whatever ledge you've built up inside
But you're not leaving this hotel room until I see some truth in your eyes

2
When the snow came and the hard rains pushed us both to the drawing line
We drove so long together I forgot that the car was mine

I could drop you at the station
You could finish this on your own
But the road east is lonely and I won't make Utah alone

3
Wait a minute... are we talking or am I just saying this for myself?
I'll get a chair for you to stand on and get your words down from off of the shelf

Has the mood not hit you yet?
Well I've given all that you're gonna get

Maybe this is already over
There is no more to confide
But I'm not leaving this hotel room until I see some truth in your eyes



When I re-read it I'm happy with everything, though I worry the "I've given all that you're gonna get" line is a bit overdone. Give me your feedback.

Thanks, Peter

 

[joro]

Disclaimer:
This critique is based on my knowledge of songwriting...

which aint' sayin' much


Very difficult structure there does not seem to be a chorus or an easy definable hook......and there is a lack of continuity...
Seems excessively wordy...it is hard for me to think of a melody to go with this tune....alliteration and timing seem varied throughout...
You use good imagery throughout but, without some knowledge of the situation, I would have to say I do not know what the song is about...obviously there is a forlorned person in a Motel room......then I get lost...

BTW.....what is a drawing line?
Joe

 

[leavings]

You're right Joe, my songs tend not to have a repeated chorus...though musically there is a theme. It's interesting to me how different this song looks on paper compared to how it sounds and feels when I play it. I'm realizing that grading a song's lyrics alone may not be very just. Perhaps there is some way to combine this forum with the mp3 mixing clinic.

Anyways, the structure is pretty simple when you listen to it.

The drawing line was meant to have a double meaning. I've heard it used to express the line that one is drawn across...but I also thought in this context it could mean the line that you draw in the proverbial sand, so that these two people were both pushed to this line by whatever intense interactions they were having with one another, and maybe crossed it.

Thanks for the feedback, keep it coming! I'm in the process of recording this song right now, so I hope to have it in the clinic soon.

Peter

 

[joro]

Cool man...
I look forward to hearing it....
I'll keep an eye out in the Clinic...

Joe