Feedback on lyrics please

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Emusic

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As I'm a norwegian I cant "weight" the words in the English language properly. Tonight I started making an uptempo (95BPM) song for a female vocalist where the intention is to make a happy/catchy chorus. I think I have succeeded in the chord progression, but I have no clue about the lyrics. Is it dull/bad choice of words etc?
I tried to keep it in rhymes. Here it is.

**verse**
So you take it I'm feeling sorry
Sure it hurts to see you go
But you can have your Enzo Ferrari
I passed tired a long time ago
You think life is all about the money
But there so much for you to learn
a rich man's joke is always funny
but I won't be praying for your return

**chorus**
I will soar above in sunlight
Feel the wind play with my hair
You can have your lousy limelight
And your secret love affairs
I will soar above in sunlight
You should have handled me with care
Disappearing from the catfight
It feels like I'm floating on thin air
 
I like the verse...the chorus seems cheesy to me...especially the "soaring in sunlight" line, which appears to be the hook line...personally id scratch the chorus...try something else.

JMO...
 
Thanks. Chorus skipped. Added this pre-chorus lyrics

I will walk along the seashore
Feel the wind playing with my hair
you'll seek your cure within the drugstore
just like your friend the millionaire

Cheesy? :)

Chorus lyrics coming up

Thanks again for the feedback
 
Emusic said:
Thanks. Chorus skipped. Added this pre-chorus lyrics

I will walk along the seashore
Feel the wind playing with my hair
you'll seek your cure within the drugstore
just like your friend the millionaire

Cheesy? :)

Chorus lyrics coming up

Thanks again for the feedback
Click to expand...

i think that the theme is fine, just the occasional choice of words is a bit cheesy.
in this bit, the first two lines could work, i'd change the last line of this though to something else
 
@brummygit
There are 4 lines there. The 3 first will work or only the 2?
Change the 2 last?

You have no idea how high I appreciate feedback like this. In fact; I'm totally depending on help to get my lyrics up to par.
I talked with a norwegian music publisher on the phone and he said that nearly all lyrics that comes from scandinavian born songwriters (and is written by them) need adjustments before it is recorded. He mentioned big songwriter names like the swedish powerhouses fronted with Max Martin as well.

So keep the help coming please :)
I will post more lyrics on this on. Have a good feeling for this song.

Latest: Seems like the pre-chorus will be better with only these words

"I will walk along the seashore
Feel the wind playing with my hair"

It suits the arrangement/song more
 
Emusic said:
@brummygit
There are 4 lines there. The 3 first will work or only the 2?
Change the 2 last?

You have no idea how high I appreciate feedback like this. In fact; I'm totally depending on help to get my lyrics up to par.
I talked with a norwegian music publisher on the phone and he said that nearly all lyrics that comes from scandinavian born songwriters (and is written by them) need adjustments before it is recorded. He mentioned big songwriter names like the swedish powerhouses fronted with Max Martin as well.

So keep the help coming please :)
I will post more lyrics on this on. Have a good feeling for this song.

Latest: Seems like the pre-chorus will be better with only these words

"I will walk along the seashore
Feel the wind playing with my hair"

It suits the arrangement/song more
Click to expand...

i kinda like the "cure in a drugstore" line, not sure how it'd sound when sung. but the last line, seems like its just there cos there was nothing else. so out of the 4 lines, id probably say 2 and a half work well, possibly 3 depending on if i can get my head round it.
 
pre-chorus
--------------------------------
"I will walk along the seashore
Feel the wind playing with my hair
you'll seek your cure in a drugstore
and aim to be a billionaire"
--------------------------------
Makes more sense?
 
Ok, here's my in-depth thoughts on this. Take it for what its worth...which aint much. If this were me writing it, this is what I might consider changing.

Emusic said:
**verse**
So you take it I'm feeling sorry
Sure it hurts to see you go
But you can have your Enzo Ferrari
I passed tired a long time ago
You think life is all about the money
But there so much for you to learn
a rich man's joke is always funny
but I won't be praying for your return
Click to expand...

The verse here raises a fairly consistant "theme".
1st two lines imply someone leaving, loss, break-up.
2nd two lines convey a meaning to the previous two.
3rd two lines convey a meaning to the 1st two also.
4th two lines convey a meaning the the 1st two and also provides closure to the verse as a whole thru the 1st/last lines. [ie; you can take out the middle two sets of lines and it still works. (even though the word "return" is somewhat awkward it still works as a tag word)]

"So you take it I'm feeling sorry"
"Sure it hurts to see you go"
"a rich man's joke is always funny"
"but I won't be praying for your return"

Emusic said:
**chorus**
I will soar above in sunlight
Feel the wind play with my hair
You can have your lousy limelight
And your secret love affairs
I will soar above in sunlight
You should have handled me with care
Disappearing from the catfight
It feels like I'm floating on thin air
Click to expand...

Now apply that same thought process to the chorus.
1st two lines imply flying above clouds, being above someone/thing, wind in my hair, playing with hair, teasing hair...rather disjointed impressions.

If this were a verse, I might not question it but this is the chorus, the POINT, and right from the get-go, the statement is vague and confusing (maybe not to you, though...that is important to understand). Possibly it is not what you are saying but how you are saying it that is the problem.

2nd two lines imply anger and disapointment and support the 1st verse well, but they don't say anything different than the 1st verse is already saying. [Its at this point Im assuming you are playing the same progression from verse to chorus] As a chorus line it should define the verse not add to it. IMO.

3rd two lines again are somewhat disjointed conceptual impressions. The 1st is a repeat of an already vague idea and the second just raises the question of how were you handled.

4th two lines literally conveys the image of women fighting and then jumps to a feel of floating on air...very disjointed concepts for me anyways.

Now take the middle two lines out...

"I will soar above in sunlight"
"Feel the wind play with my hair"
"Disappearing from the catfight"
"It feels like I'm floating on thin air"

And you have a very confusing chorus that explains very little regarding the imagery of the verse before.

I hope Ive helped in some small way. I also hope you dont mind me picking things apart like this but you did say you wanted feedback hehe

Post the rewrites! Good luck
 
@Fat_Satchel and others
I dont mind at all. In fact I appreciate the surgery presision you show going through those lyrics.
The chorus as stated above is skipped. I really have a good feeling about the sound of this one as the chords are ready. Only bridge remains. Its uptempo and catchy as heck in the refrain.
This is the structure at the moment. I will go through your reply in detail and see if I can change some.
-------------------------------------------
verse
So you take it I'm feeling sorry
Sure it hurts to see you go
But you can keep your Enzo Ferrari
I passed tired a long time ago
You think life's all about your money
But there so much for you to learn
a rich man's joke is always funny
but I won't be praying for your return

pre-chorus
I will walk along the seashore
Feel the wind playing with my hair
you'll seek your cure in a drugstore
and aim to be a billionaire

chorus
(to be written)

verse 2
(to be written)

chorus x 2

bridge
(to be written)

chorus till the end
 
My comments will certainly depend on the music you have for it. First, I believe you need more than just one verse. Again, depending on the music, maybe your only verse can be split to make two verses, but even in that case, you still need at least one more, IMO. In your follow-up posts, you mention a pre-chorus. If done well, this could cut down on the verse development work and also create some lyrical/musical tension to lead into a chorus. By the way, you also mentioned "chorus lyrics coming up" -- so, where are they? As for the chorus, the way you have it written, it reads exactly like the verse in terms of structure (both 8 lines with same meter and rhyme scheme). The song would have much more character if you modified the chorus structure. Also, you said you were going for a happy/catchy chorus. Well, it doesn't read too happy to me -- kinda focuses on the negative. I'd put that in the pre-chorus, so that the protagonist (singer) appears to be really soaring into the sunlight. Remember also that the music must also "soar" in the chorus to fit the lyrical set-up. I'm going to take a stab at how I'd approach this lyric if it were my song (including the title/hook). I realize that it probably won't go with your existing music, but I'm doing it more for illustration purposes -- to give you ideas. Feel free to keep or sweep.

SOAR IN THE SUNLIGHT

(Verse 1)
So you take it I'm feeling sorry
Sure it hurts to see you go
But you can have your Enzo Ferrari
I grew bored a long time ago

(Pre-chorus)
You'll walk alone along the seashore
One day atone for your ways
While you seek a cure in prescription
Get high on affliction
I'm leaving you today...

(Chorus)
I'll soar in the sunlight, shine in the limelight
Live life without a care
I'll dance after midnight, make love in the moonlight
Travel to God-knows-where
Just to get away from you...
It's my time to soar in the sunlight

(Verse 2)
You thought life is all 'bout money
There so much you have to learn
So go find yourself a rich honey
I won't be praying for your return

(Pre-chorus)
You'll run alone down the hillside
Realize I couldn't stay
While you seek a cure in prescription
Get high on affliction
I'm leaving you today...

(Chorus)
I'll soar in the sunlight, shine in the limelight
Live life without a care
I'll dance after midnight, make love in the moonlight
Travel to God-knows-where
Just to get away from you...
It's my time to soar in the sunlight

(Tag/Outro)
Time to soar in the sunlight
Time to soar in the sunlight
Time to soar in the sunlight
 
I just noticed two more posts after I posted. I just want to add that because of the theme, I don't think this is a song that needs a bridge -- unless it's a musical one to get away from any possible musical monotony. Lyrically, there's no "payoff" or "twist" that needs resolution, such as is sometimes needed in a storysong.
 
Cheeky Monkey said:
SOAR IN THE SUNLIGHT

(Verse 1)
So you take it I'm feeling sorry
Sure it hurts to see you go
But you can have your Enzo Ferrari
I grew bored a long time ago

(Pre-chorus)
You'll walk alone along the seashore
One day atone for your ways
While you seek a cure in prescription
Get high on affliction
I'm leaving you today...

(Chorus)
I'll soar in the sunlight, shine in the limelight
Live life without a care
I'll dance after midnight, make love in the moonlight
Travel to God-knows-where
Just to get away from you...
It's my time to soar in the sunlight

(Verse 2)
You thought life is all 'bout money
There so much you have to learn
So go find yourself a rich honey
I won't be praying for your return

(Pre-chorus)
You'll run alone down the hillside
Realize I couldn't stay
While you seek a cure in prescription
Get high on affliction
I'm leaving you today...

(Chorus)
I'll soar in the sunlight, shine in the limelight
Live life without a care
I'll dance after midnight, make love in the moonlight
Travel to God-knows-where
Just to get away from you...
It's my time to soar in the sunlight

(Tag/Outro)
Time to soar in the sunlight
Time to soar in the sunlight
Time to soar in the sunlight
Click to expand...

hey i like that....makes more sense, and not really that cheesy anymore. a few minor alterations could really leave a nice song to record
 
Cheeky Monkey said:
SOAR IN THE SUNLIGHT

(Verse 1)
So you take it I'm feeling sorry
Sure it hurts to see you go
But you can have your Enzo Ferrari
I grew bored a long time ago

(Pre-chorus)
You'll walk alone along the seashore
One day atone for your ways
While you seek a cure in prescription
Get high on affliction
I'm leaving you today...

(Chorus)
I'll soar in the sunlight, shine in the limelight
Live life without a care
I'll dance after midnight, make love in the moonlight
Travel to God-knows-where
Just to get away from you...
It's my time to soar in the sunlight

(Verse 2)
You thought life is all 'bout money
There so much you have to learn
So go find yourself a rich honey
I won't be praying for your return

(Pre-chorus)
You'll run alone down the hillside
Realize I couldn't stay
While you seek a cure in prescription
Get high on affliction
I'm leaving you today...

(Chorus)
I'll soar in the sunlight, shine in the limelight
Live life without a care
I'll dance after midnight, make love in the moonlight
Travel to God-knows-where
Just to get away from you...
It's my time to soar in the sunlight

(Tag/Outro)
Time to soar in the sunlight
Time to soar in the sunlight
Time to soar in the sunlight
Click to expand...

Aye brummygit...he has tied it all together nicely eh?

Nice off-the-cuff lyrics Cheeky!
 
Thanks for the work on the basic lyrics Cheeky; I'm working with the chords now to try to get it to fit in. I see some small changes coming up to make the words flow more, but this help is greatly appreciated. In a case where this one slips through I will set you up as a cowriter on the lyrics :)
Think I have a great vocalist to sing this one too. She has a good "Black Velvet" voice, if you know what I mean. But this song is gonna be more uptempo. Currently it's at 95bpm.
---------------------
A small hint guys. Try not to quote the whole lyric every time you comment a new lyric? The new version from Cheeky is printed 3 times in a row unaltered on my screen :D
No offence though; keep the comments coming please.
 
Emusic said:
Thanks for the work on the basic lyrics Cheeky; I'm working with the chords now to try to get it to fit in. I see some small changes coming up to make the words flow more, but this help is greatly appreciated. In a case where this one slips through I will set you up as a cowriter on the lyrics :)
Think I have a great vocalist to sing this one too. She has a good "Black Velvet" voice, if you know what I mean. But this song is gonna be more uptempo. Currently it's at 95bpm.
Emusic said:
You're welcome, and I expect nothing from it. I offered it up as an illustration. But in the end, I leave it up to you. I like an Alannah Myles voice. She's Canadian and I am too. If it gets recorded in any form, I'd sure like to have a copy. Good luck with it!
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
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