first off, you'll want to cut out the person moving around at the beginning of the song. I had headphones on when I first played it and I could hear him clear as a bell. There's also a TON of static/noise. You need to work on removing that too. Drums sound fake...kind of like someone beating on a table or something. What'd you use for drums?? Are they MIDI? I'd say replace all the drums sounds. I'm also lacking bass. My subwoofer isn't even moving. It sounds like all highs. And combined with the noise, I was first thinking that I was playing the Lo-Fi version of the song, but nope...it's the MP3...so I should be getting a little something. The guitars I like and the vocals sound pretty good. Make sure the fade out is smooth at the end and all the tracks have the same fade out. You'd probably want to automate the master fader to do this instead of individual tracks. Also...cut out that talking at the end of the song. You said you just finished it but it sounds like simple editing still needs to be done. One last big problem I hear is there seems to be a big phasing problem. I can't pinpoint it, but if I had to guess I would say it is actually the hiss that is giving itself phasing issues. I think you need to first pinpoint the source of the noise and get rid of it. good luck.
..you know i'm just messin with ya 
. Lyric's are really really great..but you alway's come up with great lines 
. Watch out for your vocal notes on the next run man, some were a little off, you already know that. I wanna hear your next go at this