Evening Rushes In retooled!! Thanks Miles!

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rguagenti

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Thanks to stonepiano I am submitting a retooled version of Evening Rushes By renamed "When Tomorrow Rushes In."

Blame him!

When Tomorrow Rushes In

As the evening rushes by
Voices sing their lullabye
Nighttime shadows fall on me
As I sink into my deep sleep
Dreaming dreams I’ll never live
When the morning comes I’ll give

And the morning crashes down
But it doesn’t make a sound
Memories are all I take
As I learn from my mistakes
So I open up my eyes
And I put on my disguise

The world just seems so out of place
As the sunshine burns my face
Every day just seems the same
Where do I place the blame
So I hurry home again
And feel the comfort from within

I get to do it all again
When tomorrow rushes in
When tomorrow rushes in
When tomorrow rushes in
 
What's your incentive/message?

This is a marked improvement in my eyes.

"So I open my eyes" isn't so much more original than the "lovin' you" line but it's faaar more versatile. It also has the double entendre (open your eyes from sleeping and from illusory thoughts/dreams) going for it that the love thing didn't.

The third verse sounds a little too wounded and fragile to me. You're not that frail, Dammit! :D That's not a songwriting comment, tho. That's just a preference as to what I think this song should be about. Bad Miles...

At least, it's not about your ex anymore. :) Overall, it's getting better but I would try to have your speaker look inward for problem solving rather than looking outside to "place blame." Sheila Davis wrote in one of her books that you put yourself at a great disadvantage as the writer if you don't make your character likeable.

On another note, I'm curious how this aa/bb/cc rhyme scheme sounds in practice. Let's have us an mp3 when you record...

miles
 
nice! Very insightful. Seems like a good everyman song that alot of people could realte too. Its not very uplifing though, kindof depressing.
 
Thanks for the feedback all.

I recorded the scratch track last night and will have an mp3 for posting by the weekend.
 
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