Designs on You (demo)

[icystorm]

Greetings all:

I finished the lyrics and music for a new song entitled "Designs on You". If anyone has any comments or feedback regarding the lyrics, please share. Thanks kindly. I usually receive some inspiration here to improve a line or three.

I posted an early rough version of a demo that I produced of the song, but I plan to make some changes to the arrangements and sub in additional acoustic guitars for some of the midi synth layers. I also plan to record the vox again after some additional practice and bring the vox forward in the mix. The version below includes a tentative first take of the vocals...

...early demo w/ vocals...
https://www.box.com/s/yswbz4ruia9tlegqd1zc

Designs on You
Words and music by Joseph Spain
Created with ChordPulse 2.2 and Acoustica Mixcraft 6.0
Produced by Joseph Spain
CD: Harlot's Sleeves
Demo recording
Copyright: Joseph Spain 2013

Verse 1
She's quick to the point
and fast to the heart
Her spirit runs wild and flies free
A thousand 'I love yous'
but don't read her lips
She said just wait here for me
Then she said...

Chorus
Don't close your eyes
Don't risk a blink
While all my designs are on you
Just take my hand and breathe in my kiss
And hold me tonight while it's true
Please hold me tonight while it's true

Bridge 1
I've weathered her storms
and basked in her sun
and tasted the wine of her soul
Heaven knows why she's gone

Verse 2
She's swift with her knife
She goes for the heart
Her ghost is the flame that burns me
A million forevers
Will not change her name
She said just wait here for me
Then she said...

(repeat chorus)

Bridge 2
I've swam in her rain
and drowned in her eyes
and savored her flora and thorns
Heaven knows why she's gone

(repeat chorus x3, then fade)

 

[icystorm]

I modified the lyrics slightly and added vocals in the updated demo.

https://www.box.com/s/yswbz4ruia9tlegqd1zc

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[Phrasemaker]

Joseph, I'll reply fully tomorrow, I'm having a bit of a week and I can't reply honestly unless I spend time reading and listening properly. I noticed you'd posted but I simply have had a busy spell. All the best my friend.

Tim

 

[icystorm]

Thanks, Tim. No rush, my friend. Believe me, I know how busy life and work can become at times.

I adjusted the mix a bit and removed one layer of overdubs on the lead vocals in the verses, which were causing it to sound too crowded. I'm mainly posting for feedback on the song itself, regarding the lyrics and general structure. It's just a rough demo, so I'm not too concerned about the quality of the mix or the recording itself at this point, but I recorded the vox to convey the melody.

Same link as before....

https://www.box.com/s/yswbz4ruia9tlegqd1zc

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[Phrasemaker]

Ok, more time on my hands at last. Joseph, I think you've made a pretty good job with crafting the lyrics. My only sticking point is "flora and thorns" Probably just my over analytical brain, it seems a bit like saying flowers and roses. A collective and a singular contextually implying they are like different things. For me "and savored her flora, the thorns" would be grammatically less troubling. It sounds pretty good overall thus far, I appreciate you have things to work with mix wise so I'll restrict my comments to the lyrics. I like it.

All the best Joseph

Tim

 

[icystorm]

Ok, more time on my hands at last. Joseph, I think you've made a pretty good job with crafting the lyrics. My only sticking point is "flora and thorns" Probably just my over analytical brain, it seems a bit like saying flowers and roses. A collective and a singular contextually implying they are like different things. For me "and savored her flora, the thorns" would be grammatically less troubling. It sounds pretty good overall thus far, I appreciate you have things to work with mix wise so I'll restrict my comments to the lyrics. I like it.

All the best Joseph

Tim

Thanks very much, Tim. I appreciate your reviewing the lyrics, listening, and offering constructive feedback. You're right about the "flora and thorns" line. To that end, your suggested change seems reasonable. I will definitely consider it.

I wanted to include [something] and thorns, and I was determined not to use "flowers and thorns" or "roses and thorns". I wanted to convey a sense of enjoying "the good with the bad", so it was an effort to say that I enjoyed the good parts of her along with the bad; the good flora, which includes the bad thorns of the flora.


Thanks again, my friend. I'm looking forward to hearing your next piece.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[rayc]

Good demo Joseph,
The vocals use the G's as a touch stone but there's alos a little Al Stewart in the phrasing this time.
Tim makes a good case doesn't he?

 

[icystorm]

Good demo Joseph,
The vocals use the G's as a touch stone but there's alos a little Al Stewart in the phrasing this time.
Tim makes a good case doesn't he?

Thanks for listening, Ray! It's interesting that you mentioned Al Stewart. I really like his hits "Year of the Cat" and "Time Passages".

He's got a good sense of humor too. He deprecated his own work in an interview a few years ago. He mentioned getting on an elevator, hearing "Time Passages" playing, and thinking to himself how "cheesy" and "like muzak" it sounded (or words to that effect). I hope he was just joking, because I really like the song (as well as YOTC).

Any new material from you, Ray?

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[rayc]

Nothing from me at present. My collab partnerships are in stasis due to other commitments. As I have no facility for melody or singing I'm building a set of chord progressions for future reference whilst doodling.
Al Stewart's latest album is about Bordeaux wines - sad man these day- Past present & Future was his BEST album to my ears (pre cat interestingly).

 

[Phrasemaker]

Sounds like you might be up for a collab then Ray?

all the best

Tim

 

[icystorm]

Nothing from me at present. My collab partnerships are in stasis due to other commitments. As I have no facility for melody or singing I'm building a set of chord progressions for future reference whilst doodling.
Al Stewart's latest album is about Bordeaux wines - sad man these day- Past present & Future was his BEST album to my ears (pre cat interestingly).

Ray, you piqued my curiosity with the reference to Al Stewart singing about Bordeaux wines. Is the CD "Uncorked: Al Stewart Live with Dave Nachmanoff" from 2009? I have not heard it, but I will try to listen to it soon. I agree with you that his pre-cat work was probably his best overall, but I really like the strangely-haunting atmosphere of YOTC. I will always associate "Time Passages" with a severe ice storm. I was just a small lad listening to weather reports on the radio and the song was in heavy rotation on a local AM station. To this day, when I hear it, I remember the ice storm and the excitement of that.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[fritsthegirl]

Thanks very much, Tim. I appreciate your reviewing the lyrics, listening, and offering constructive feedback. You're right about the "flora and thorns" line. To that end, your suggested change seems reasonable. I will definitely consider it.

I wanted to include [something] and thorns, and I was determined not to use "flowers and thorns" or "roses and thorns". I wanted to convey a sense of enjoying "the good with the bad", so it was an effort to say that I enjoyed the good parts of her along with the bad; the good flora, which includes the bad thorns of the flora.


Thanks again, my friend. I'm looking forward to hearing your next piece.

Cheers,
Joseph

It's just my point of view, but if you're going for juxtaposition, maybe 'petals and thorns' would work? Sorry if that's lame.

 

[icystorm]

It's just my point of view, but if you're going for juxtaposition, maybe 'petals and thorns' would work? Sorry if that's lame.

Thank you! I like that! No suggestion is lame; after all, music and lyrics are art and quite subjective!

I've put the song aside for a while to work on another one, but when I return to it, I will definitely consider using your idea as we as Tim's idea from earlier.

Do you have any material posted? If not, please share!

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[fritsthegirl]

Thank you! I like that! No suggestion is lame; after all, music and lyrics are art and quite subjective!

I've put the song aside for a while to work on another one, but when I return to it, I will definitely consider using your idea as we as Tim's idea from earlier.

Do you have any material posted? If not, please share!

Cheers,
Joseph

Truth, lyrics are difficult at the best of times. I have posted some things, but nothing spectacular compared to yours or anyone else's. I'm only starting out and have no idea what I'm doing really so just learning the ropes. This is my last 'take' of a tune I did after some invaluable feedback I received from this forum. It was only my 2nd post and 2nd full song ever written but if you have the time have a listen.

 

[icystorm]

Truth, lyrics are difficult at the best of times. I have posted some things, but nothing spectacular compared to yours or anyone else's. I'm only starting out and have no idea what I'm doing really so just learning the ropes. This is my last 'take' of a tune I did after some invaluable feedback I received from this forum. It was only my 2nd post and 2nd full song ever written but if you have the time have a listen.

The song is very folksy, original, and organic. I like it! A song doesn't have to be a big production number to be good. To my ears, you are obviously off to a good start. The guitar playing was good and the vocals were very good. I could easily see the song being developed more, if that's what you're interest in doing, but the song itself is fine.

What is your ambition? Do you enjoy writing songs, playing, or singing the most?

Also, thanks for the kind words. I'm really just a novice like yourself. I enjoy writing songs for fun, as a hobby, and I always receive some good ideas for improving my lyrics here. I don't hold any illusions that my songs will ever sell or prove successful. I know I'm not that talented, but it's still fun to write.

Of course, there are some people on homerecording.com who are talented enough to break into the business, if that's their ultimate goal. Some have posted some excellent songs posted here, which I could easily envision hearing on pop or rock radio.

Anyway, if a songwriting challenge materializes later this spring, would you be interested in participating? It would just be for fun. It's not a real contest, per se. It's merely meant to help the participants focus on writing.

I hope to hear more from you soon.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[fritsthegirl]

The song is very folksy, original, and organic. I like it! A song doesn't have to be a big production number to be good. To my ears, you are obviously off to a good start. The guitar playing was good and the vocals were very good. I could easily see the song being developed more, if that's what you're interest in doing, but the song itself is fine.

What is your ambition? Do you enjoy writing songs, playing, or singing the most?

Also, thanks for the kind words. I'm really just a novice like yourself. I enjoy writing songs for fun, as a hobby, and I always receive some good ideas for improving my lyrics here. I don't hold any illusions that my songs will ever sell or prove successful. I know I'm not that talented, but it's still fun to write.

Of course, there are some people on homerecording.com who are talented enough to break into the business, if that's their ultimate goal. Some have posted some excellent songs posted here, which I could easily envision hearing on pop or rock radio.

Anyway, if a songwriting challenge materializes later this spring, would you be interested in participating? It would just be for fun. It's not a real contest, per se. It's merely meant to help the participants focus on writing.

I hope to hear more from you soon.

Cheers,
Joseph

Thanks a lot. I like it all actually, playing, singing, writing. I like trying new things and learning about recording, I hope to be able to experiment a bit more with the sound as I get better. I do it simply for enjoyment and would be happy with this forever really.

What's the Songwriting Challenge, and where is it? I'm in the UK so not sure how that pans out?

 

[icystorm]

What's the Songwriting Challenge, and where is it? I'm in the UK so not sure how that pans out?

It's completely informal. Someone will post a songwriting challenge to the forum, along with some ground rules. The challenge rules depends on who starts it. Typically, the participants compose either the music or lyrics first and post those separately in stages. Music is appraised in one stage, and lyrics in another. Then, time is afforded for rewrites, if desired. In the end, each participant ties their work all together into a demo and posts it for a final round of feedback at a pre-selected deadline. At times, I've seen the rules vary, whereas one person starts a song and someone else finishes it. Stuff like that. Usually, a specific theme is involved for all.

If I have time later this spring, I may try to organize one if there are others who are willing to participate.

Post more of your material for feedback when you are ready.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[rayc]

Fritsthegirl,
COOL song.
It reminds me of a few 2 vocal girl groups from the late 80's early 90's like Voice of the BeeHive or Whippersnappers. They'd often begin like your song but soon burst into chiming electrics, bass & drums in a post power pop spree of melody & harmony.
You might consider have a go at that yourself.