up-fiddler
Taming the World--for now
Upfront Disclaimer - I have tried to be honest in what I have placed to electronic pen. As always, it is never my intent to be hurtful in my suggestions. They are merely that....suggestions. I hope that they are helpful in some small way.
I wrote these prior to reading any of the other reviews since I didn't want to be influenced by what others have said. These thoughts are my own and I hope they are on the money for each of you. If not, may I apologise in advance. Dave aka up-fiddler
Whatmysay’s Entry
I read the first line and thought…Here comes the first cliché’ of the song. Shame on me! When I read the second line I laughed out loud. Then the next two linesshowed a loving seriousness that knocked me over. The first verse to this tune is as good as any I have read anywhere in the past year or two. Great start. In the second verse I had a bit of trouble with “dreams and shadows” “keeping us warm”. I have never associated either dreams or shadows with an emotional warming.
In the chorus I absolutely love the image of time wearing on castle stone. I can close my eyes and imagine the centuries old paths that are worn down in the walkways of an ancient castle. It adds a certain timelessness to the chorus that implies permanence in the relationship…..even if it isn’t in the place where you dwell.
I don’t understand the last line of the third verse but it probably isn’t necessary for me to do so.
What I like most about this song is the stunning attention that you have paid to meter throughout. As I read through the first and third lines fall into threes very naturally. The second and fourth lines are not as apparent and can be spoken in differing groupings. (3s or 4s or even as an 8)
The MID 8 reads a bit ‘choppy’ to me but once set to music that may not be true at all. Still…I would like to see it flow a bit better. Perhaps keep the words but don’t ‘sing’ the commas? Just a thought.
This is a wonderfully poignant tune that seems written straight from the heart. Nice job.
Frankie Rage’s Entry
What a wonderful rhyme scheme! (2+5, 3+4) I expected people’s memories of their first car/house to be optimistic and upbeat. I thought they would be full of the expectation of the life that lays before them. This tune caught me completely off guard; but in a good way. It is well crafted. I especially like the ending when you turn your attention to the listener and break the rhyme scheme on the last word of the song. (“If you’d like to sing along”) I find the fourth line of the second verse a bit cludgy with the repeated “that’s”. I understand that you are saying the she is gone but the bills still keep coming but I think when it comes time to sing two “that’s” in the space of three words it will be a distraction to otherwise cleverly written lyrics.
In the last verse I also like the capitalized North and South; it likens the relationship to the conflict between the states. The listener concludes that your differences brought you both together but also drove you apart in the end. At least…. That’s the way I read and understand it.
Great tune and I will be interested to hear how the rhyme scheme sits in the musical version of this song.
Joseph Spain’s Entry
There are a LOT of choruses in this song! Fortunately you have written a great one. Since the chorus seems to be the focus of this tune I will address it more fully. With the repeated choruses I hear this as a pop tune and the potential melodies just kept jumping into my head as I read the chorus. This is another song that the musical version may make or break the tune. I hope that you are writing a strong musical hook to the music for the chorus. That would make this tune in my small opinion. The shared “moon above the sea” and the fact that you will be the “light beyond your darkest need” is wonderful contrast and great storytelling. On the downside, but not too much, I find the first line of the chorus to be a bit cliché. “I’m waiting here alone for you” is a powerful statement and I feel that you could lead into it with something more striking thatn”I know someday you’ll find the truth”. Just my thoughts though.
While the first verse sets the song up I am especially fond of the second verse. The images of praying, hands, timeless gifts, and within your reach are outstanding. They carry the metaphor of the wedding ring/vows and the importance of hands in that ceremony to the hopeful return of the one true love.
The other thing that stands out to me is the loneliness that is interwoven through this song. It is accented by the use of the word “alone” in the first verse, the chorus, and the bridge. “Alone” is a powerful word to which we can all relate. The universality of that term also helps to bring this song home for the listener. Overall, this tune just screams pop genre to me and I think it is a great fit. It will be cool to hear it recorded.
Gecko’s Entry
The first verse implies the entire storyline of this song in less than two dozen words. Your images were crafted carefully and even if I hadn’t read your process post I would know that you had agonized over the wording here. The images are powerful and stated in such a way that the listener who doesn’t infer where this song is headed must be a dolt. Wonderfully done!
I like the beginning and the end of the chorus; I especially like the missing spark and the dimming lights. I am not as enamored with “On the outskirts of importance the threads began to fray”. I understand the woven bond between you and the machine became unwound over time. I just would like to see it stated differently. Still… the front and the back of the chorus are more than strong enough to carry the idea to the listener.
The second verse reinforces, restates, and adds an element of time to the first verse. The ‘creatures more in need’ denote a logical timely transition for the rotting hulk that once was your pride and joy.
The third verse creates many historical similes for me. The chariot, map, and disappearing boundaries sets up a vision of an ancient mariner (I can’t explain why!) sailing blindly toward the edge of the earth looking for that which he won’t find.; but driven to search anyway. “I drove for love, I drove too far” simply strengthens that image for me.
Overall this tune shows thought and craft. Even in the death of the machine you are able to breathe life into the images that surround it. Nicely done.
Nightfire’s Entry
At first read I had a problem with the “four on the floor” of the chorus and the “three on the tree” of the last verse. Then it was explained with the change of transmission. A question of fact…..Was it possible to put a four speed transmission on a 1950 flathead six? It doesn’t seem so to me but I may be wrong.
The first verse is nice in the way it sets you apart from the crowd and makes us as listeners wonder what it is that you are actually searching for. It reads rough to me. Perhaps with the inclusion of a musical background it will smooth out but it seems out of balance to my ear at the moment.
The second verse is a jewel to me. The only thing I would scratch is the ‘willowing’. It seems out of place and there are many varieties of trees to choose from. Better yet, for me, would be to eliminate the contraction (‘neath) and say ‘underneath a tree’. I know it’s only one word but that word detracts from the best verse of the song.
The chorus contains the anomaly of ‘running on empty’ which is clearly impossible but it made a quazillion dollars for Jackson Browne so it probably should stay. (grins)
In the third verse perhaps ‘gave her a bath’ would be a better rhyme and image than ‘gave her a wash’ but that is just what I would do. I have a similar problem with ‘pile of mess’ but can’t offer an immediate solution or idea.
The last verse is nostalgic for me and due to that fact I am infatuated with it. The sense of freedom that develops in a young man who brings an old vehicle back to life is indescribable to those who haven’t done it. Still….you describe it well and I applaud you for it.
Overall, I would like to see the first and third verses cleaned up a bit with rewrite before this goes into music production. When it DOES go into music production…..Please tell me this is a country song! (smiles) Seriously, put it in any genre you wish because I thin I am going to like this one.
I wrote these prior to reading any of the other reviews since I didn't want to be influenced by what others have said. These thoughts are my own and I hope they are on the money for each of you. If not, may I apologise in advance. Dave aka up-fiddler
Whatmysay’s Entry
I read the first line and thought…Here comes the first cliché’ of the song. Shame on me! When I read the second line I laughed out loud. Then the next two linesshowed a loving seriousness that knocked me over. The first verse to this tune is as good as any I have read anywhere in the past year or two. Great start. In the second verse I had a bit of trouble with “dreams and shadows” “keeping us warm”. I have never associated either dreams or shadows with an emotional warming.
In the chorus I absolutely love the image of time wearing on castle stone. I can close my eyes and imagine the centuries old paths that are worn down in the walkways of an ancient castle. It adds a certain timelessness to the chorus that implies permanence in the relationship…..even if it isn’t in the place where you dwell.
I don’t understand the last line of the third verse but it probably isn’t necessary for me to do so.
What I like most about this song is the stunning attention that you have paid to meter throughout. As I read through the first and third lines fall into threes very naturally. The second and fourth lines are not as apparent and can be spoken in differing groupings. (3s or 4s or even as an 8)
The MID 8 reads a bit ‘choppy’ to me but once set to music that may not be true at all. Still…I would like to see it flow a bit better. Perhaps keep the words but don’t ‘sing’ the commas? Just a thought.
This is a wonderfully poignant tune that seems written straight from the heart. Nice job.
Frankie Rage’s Entry
What a wonderful rhyme scheme! (2+5, 3+4) I expected people’s memories of their first car/house to be optimistic and upbeat. I thought they would be full of the expectation of the life that lays before them. This tune caught me completely off guard; but in a good way. It is well crafted. I especially like the ending when you turn your attention to the listener and break the rhyme scheme on the last word of the song. (“If you’d like to sing along”) I find the fourth line of the second verse a bit cludgy with the repeated “that’s”. I understand that you are saying the she is gone but the bills still keep coming but I think when it comes time to sing two “that’s” in the space of three words it will be a distraction to otherwise cleverly written lyrics.
In the last verse I also like the capitalized North and South; it likens the relationship to the conflict between the states. The listener concludes that your differences brought you both together but also drove you apart in the end. At least…. That’s the way I read and understand it.
Great tune and I will be interested to hear how the rhyme scheme sits in the musical version of this song.
Joseph Spain’s Entry
There are a LOT of choruses in this song! Fortunately you have written a great one. Since the chorus seems to be the focus of this tune I will address it more fully. With the repeated choruses I hear this as a pop tune and the potential melodies just kept jumping into my head as I read the chorus. This is another song that the musical version may make or break the tune. I hope that you are writing a strong musical hook to the music for the chorus. That would make this tune in my small opinion. The shared “moon above the sea” and the fact that you will be the “light beyond your darkest need” is wonderful contrast and great storytelling. On the downside, but not too much, I find the first line of the chorus to be a bit cliché. “I’m waiting here alone for you” is a powerful statement and I feel that you could lead into it with something more striking thatn”I know someday you’ll find the truth”. Just my thoughts though.
While the first verse sets the song up I am especially fond of the second verse. The images of praying, hands, timeless gifts, and within your reach are outstanding. They carry the metaphor of the wedding ring/vows and the importance of hands in that ceremony to the hopeful return of the one true love.
The other thing that stands out to me is the loneliness that is interwoven through this song. It is accented by the use of the word “alone” in the first verse, the chorus, and the bridge. “Alone” is a powerful word to which we can all relate. The universality of that term also helps to bring this song home for the listener. Overall, this tune just screams pop genre to me and I think it is a great fit. It will be cool to hear it recorded.
Gecko’s Entry
The first verse implies the entire storyline of this song in less than two dozen words. Your images were crafted carefully and even if I hadn’t read your process post I would know that you had agonized over the wording here. The images are powerful and stated in such a way that the listener who doesn’t infer where this song is headed must be a dolt. Wonderfully done!
I like the beginning and the end of the chorus; I especially like the missing spark and the dimming lights. I am not as enamored with “On the outskirts of importance the threads began to fray”. I understand the woven bond between you and the machine became unwound over time. I just would like to see it stated differently. Still… the front and the back of the chorus are more than strong enough to carry the idea to the listener.
The second verse reinforces, restates, and adds an element of time to the first verse. The ‘creatures more in need’ denote a logical timely transition for the rotting hulk that once was your pride and joy.
The third verse creates many historical similes for me. The chariot, map, and disappearing boundaries sets up a vision of an ancient mariner (I can’t explain why!) sailing blindly toward the edge of the earth looking for that which he won’t find.; but driven to search anyway. “I drove for love, I drove too far” simply strengthens that image for me.
Overall this tune shows thought and craft. Even in the death of the machine you are able to breathe life into the images that surround it. Nicely done.
Nightfire’s Entry
At first read I had a problem with the “four on the floor” of the chorus and the “three on the tree” of the last verse. Then it was explained with the change of transmission. A question of fact…..Was it possible to put a four speed transmission on a 1950 flathead six? It doesn’t seem so to me but I may be wrong.
The first verse is nice in the way it sets you apart from the crowd and makes us as listeners wonder what it is that you are actually searching for. It reads rough to me. Perhaps with the inclusion of a musical background it will smooth out but it seems out of balance to my ear at the moment.
The second verse is a jewel to me. The only thing I would scratch is the ‘willowing’. It seems out of place and there are many varieties of trees to choose from. Better yet, for me, would be to eliminate the contraction (‘neath) and say ‘underneath a tree’. I know it’s only one word but that word detracts from the best verse of the song.
The chorus contains the anomaly of ‘running on empty’ which is clearly impossible but it made a quazillion dollars for Jackson Browne so it probably should stay. (grins)
In the third verse perhaps ‘gave her a bath’ would be a better rhyme and image than ‘gave her a wash’ but that is just what I would do. I have a similar problem with ‘pile of mess’ but can’t offer an immediate solution or idea.
The last verse is nostalgic for me and due to that fact I am infatuated with it. The sense of freedom that develops in a young man who brings an old vehicle back to life is indescribable to those who haven’t done it. Still….you describe it well and I applaud you for it.
Overall, I would like to see the first and third verses cleaned up a bit with rewrite before this goes into music production. When it DOES go into music production…..Please tell me this is a country song! (smiles) Seriously, put it in any genre you wish because I thin I am going to like this one.
